I think I had another dream about school last night. It was something about one of the gym teachers...I should hve written it down when I got up, but now I have forgotten the details.

Another somewhat productive day. I got all the green trim done, but for the window. I even painted the wood on the gas grill. I could do the rest tomorrow... I am leaning towards that, it would mean I have the green done before I head the Tigers' games. I am just not sure about scraping it down or not. Plus it is suppose to rain some or I might want to go kayaking.

Had dinner with Jessica and Jeff. Expensive but good and fun. I paid $24. What I paid for one meal, I eat for three days if I don't go out.

I was in a bar tonight, first time in quite some time. There was an okay reggae band playing and when the started a drunk couple got up and started dancing. The woman had a backless shirt on, kind of reminiscent of the 60's and these low rider jeans. I would have to say she had a 'bikini wax' that is how low there were. And there were lose so she was pulling them up a lot.

The first thing I noticed was the guy had pulled up his shirt so you could see his tattoo. I found it kind of funny, since it was a nine mm gun, that looked like it was tucked in his pants. In general a humorous tattoo is questionable to me. Especially the more obvious it is to all. Like the little guy mowing a woman's pubic hair, I find that amusing, because you see it in pictures, but you don't see it on the dance floor --- usually I guess.

The woman had two tattoos, on her front pelvic area (so low, but visible). I couldn't tell what they were, I thought they were parrots at first, then I realize they were derringers. If her pants were the normal waist level, it would look like she had guns tucked in her pants -- like the guys. So they both had the same kind of joke tattoos.

I have a several questions about the couple. First, where do these drunk voyeurs come from. The woman close to exposing herself and dancing provocatively. The second, the drunk couple always shows up at the beginning of the night, when they band takes the stage. Therefore they are showing off even more because usually at that point there are no other dances. A third question would be how do all the drunk couples in the world know not to be at the same place at the same time? Like when this couple took to the dance floor, was there another drunk couple who decided they needed to go to the bar down the street?

I am guessing the woman liked the feeling of being naked and/or when she is out and about --- it isn't a figure of speech. It is a statement about her figure. Another thing about the drunk couples --- in my list of people who I would or wouldn't want to see naked, they aren't high up. Perhaps partly because you end up seeing them semi-nude already.

When I was younger, I always thought those kinds of performances were 'foreplay.' But now it seems that if you are that drunk, you are on you way to a hangover, not sex. It also falls into the category of think everyone is having sex but me. Perhaps that is what everyone wants everyone to think. Worse, if they do have lots of sex, it is just a matter of time before they are producing fetal alcohol syndrome baby.

Jessica was at her play and I was with Jeff who wanted to stay. If the band would have been a little better I might have considered it, but it was 7 p.m. and it seemed about half the audience was sloppy drunk. On top of that (and doesn't everyone want to get on top of sloppy drunks) everyone seemed to be smoking. The bad was playing on a patio, so I guess the no smoking law could be ignored.

Along with being productive, there was a couple set backs. After getting together some poems to print, I ride over to the college. As I am pushing my bike up the hill I see one of the library employees driving by. Hmmm I thought, and hoped that there might be someone else there... There wasn't. It was 10 of four. A sign on the door said: "Closing Today at 4:30 p.m."

First of all I think it is stupid for them to do that, mostly because they don't have hours on the web page, or update the web page in a way where you could check it. And they aren't open on Fridays, so they closed more than an hour early.

Seemingly this is what you get when you ship service overseas. Kind of interesting when colleges model bad business sense. Gave me time to mediate

I realized I miss working for the chamber of commerce tonight. On the bike ride to the restaurant a couple asked me for directions to a mountain, I ended up riding my bike ahead of them and leading them to the trailhead. Not a big deal since the college closing early gave me some extra time. Then later I went into the camera shop and smoozed with the owners... and at the mini-concert in the part I gave more directions.

The Big Cats won, two in a row. Since most of the teams in the AL were idle the Tigers picked up a half game.

Gratitude (3)

Weird, the quirk I am having with my computer does not happen when I have Proteus open. It's an instant messenger program and I only have it open when I am connected to the internet.

Not going to write much, but I wanted to get started. Back to school tomorrow. It was a long drive back. From Syracuse on it was crappy, snowy weather. But not snowing now, so no snow day looms. I did have to shovel for about 1.5 hours. And still the plow guy didn't clear the drive.

I must be the king of lame. I didn't do anything and I am tired. I wrote out some checks and reconciled what I can figure out.

and it looks like not much else is getting done.

Gratitude (3)

after three or so years, stef is moving her blog again, hopefully to a permanent home in www.stepiphanies.com. wordpress has been a great host all these years.

i'll see you guys on the other side. :)

"In the Secular Night" by Margaret Atwood

I find it funny when I ask people, “How are you?” I don’t usually expect a longer answer than, “I’m good!” or a variation of that, and vice versa. Because who has time to spare to listen to somebody recount everything that has happened since you last saw each other? Whenever I get asked the same question, I return the favor, and just say, “I am awesome!” which I am, but still, not completely accurate, or honest.

One of these days, I’m just going to let the poor person have it and give him the entire account of why Stef’s hair is like this now, how she lost all that weight, what has she been doing with her spare time, and why she is still not married yet. 

So, how are you?

]]> http://taguan.wordpress.com/?p=262 Thu, 22 May 2008 13:54:31 +0000 taguan http://taguan.wordpress.com/?p=262
my body is holding back little bits of myself

an hour or two of my time
a few beats of the sunset over the trees

a secret tucked away in the gaps of my memory
a few words unsaid

a giggle, a chuckle, a snort,
tears before sleeping

my body is holding back

feats of strength i didn't know i have
weaknesses i ignore

fear, panic, worry, self-pity
covering it with peace, and faith and God's grace

my body is barely holding back this smile.
(this secret i don't even know yet. the corner of my lips twitches before i realize it and somebody else has seen me before i got it under control.)

these.

hugs, the tight, never-let-me-go ones that can make everything feel all right and safe and better. the hugs where i let go of all of my worries and just be in the moment, when everything fits. when two heartbeats keep in time and each other's breath rise and falls in sweet synchronicity. i know i still hug people, but these hugs, i'm holding on to them for now.

my hands. i can find handholds and footholds, i can carry my own weight. i can pick myself up from the ground (had a lot of practice with that, God knows how many times I have fallen). but oh, for a hand to hold! to know the wonder of that impossible symmetry of how our fingers thread each other's perfectly (paraphrased from a poem by Colin Tan). still waiting.

ghost aches of mended heartbreaks. of memories. these twinges on the left side of my chest, the stomaches, the goose pimples that break out when a touch calls to a memory from long ago. i want to let them go, but my body likes holding onto to these to remind me that they did happen. and i'm still alive.

this hunger. i want it insatiable, spiritual, but physically felt. my whole body shudders with the hunger to know more of my Lord. every twinge, and everytime my strength is flagging, i take it as a sign that i need more of Him. my body is holding onto this. and this is one hunger that will never be filled until i go home to Him.

one of the questions i really had a hard time answering in the essay portion of my application is "Describe your personality." while i have been writing about myself all this time on the blog, it was still difficult to actually write and identify my personality. i mean, i haven't really thought about my personality, i just let other people define it for me, if anyone's ever thought about it.

so i ended up writing this non-answer, which of course, i have to replace with a less interesting answer such as

"I like books. I tend to laugh at the wrong places and at the wrong times. I am the queen of over sharing, and I can't tell a joke to save my life."

but anyways, here is my non-answer, because i haven't been really blogging in a while.

i guess this is more of a "what are you?" answer.

____________________

In Progress

Although Stefanie Mae Juan is already 27 years old, turning 28, she doesn’t look like it. Mostly because she doesn’t act like a normal 27 year old—anyway, she doesn’t believe that there is such a thing as a normal 27 year old out there.

She likes to look up at the stars, to remind herself that the Creator of this vast universe is great enough to know her name and all the intimate details that come with being a Stefanie Mae Juan, or, as she would like to be called, a Stef. She loves new things and experiences, and she constantly praises God for being the God of new things. She is in love with her Creator, Savior, Father, and King. She trusts Him implicitly, knowing that He has a purpose and a plan for everything, and His timing is always perfect. And everything is about giving Him the utmost glory. And she is ever so grateful that she is called to be his daughter and that He would be glorified in her life—including all her mess ups.

Stef is a work in progress.

She likes to think of herself as an artist, using words to paint pictures in the air for the mind to see. She loves irony, but always given to sarcasm. So more often than not, people don’t know what to do with her. But she loves her friends. She would like to think that she is fiercely loyal, and generous—but that’s just what she would like to think, who knows what her friends think?

In one sense, she is fearless—almost never backing down from a dare to the point of recklessness, and always willing to learn, to jump into the unknown just because it's there, but at times she is afraid of failure, of being too careless and breaking things beyond repair. But God is teaching her these days to let go of those fears because He’s got everything in control.

And one day at a time, Stef is learning.

And as I wait for you I am made more faithful

(Brooke Fraser)

this is stef, keeping quiet for now.

I know the stars that shine on me,
Are brighter than you or I could ever be.
I know there's an answer to your question,
But I don't if I could word it right.

Say what you mean,
Don't tell it like it could be,
I'm not sure that I should say it out loud,
Say what you mean,
Don't tell it like it could be,
Right at this time, I'm gonna keep that in mind

One love, is better than not enough
I'd rather have no love, than messing with the wrong stuff

Just the comfort of strangers
Always the comfort of strangers
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

I know the sun that shines on me,
Has better times than you or I could ever be,
I know there's an answer to the question,
and I'm not sure that I should word it right,

Say what you mean,
Don't tell it like it could be,
Everytime your gonna set me free,
Say what you mean,
Don't tell it like it could be,
Right this time, let's take it right home to see

One love is better than not enough
I'd rather have no love, than messing with the wrong stuff,
It's just the comfort of strangers
Oh it's the comfort of strangers

Why, some of those are like best friends, best friends
Ones that keep you coming round again.

(Beth Orton)

and this day, once again, I learned to set my expectations for people. forgave without the apologies. and just smiled to get through some emo moments--but only when no one is looking.

thank God for this stay-at-home Saturday.

(posted through my palm treo because we still don't have internet.)

I wish I could write more, but I've got work to do. I promise I'd write a more substantial post for your reading pleasure next time. A lot of things have been happening, too bad I haven't had the time to process them all for a decent blog post. But anyways, here are the list of updates:

1. Merlin is eating a lot and has gotten fat!
2. I have been sleeping before 2 a.m. now and waking up early enough to catch the sunrise. Glorious!
3. My room is nearly done! Every time I wake up, I heave this happy sigh because I could remember that it was just last year that it was at its messiest and I thought that there was no way I could ever be straightened up. Now, the walls are in the friendliest shade of blue (like the dawn sky!), I finally got my own built-in closet with mirror sliding doors, a deadly bookshelf, both painted white, and bamboo-colored blinds! it looks so cool and fresh and in order! Does this mean that my life will finally be in order too?
4. Sherie's back in the house, badly pregnant. Please pray for her.
5. I've been meeting a lot of people who are obliviously changing my life little by little.
6. My world's getting smaller and smaller. Talagang crazy.
7. Kite-flying in BF is so much fun. Must. Get. Bigger. Kite.
8. warming up my story-telling muscles again.
9. God's been teaching me how to pray. Seriously. The first thing that I had to learn is, I didn't know how to pray at all, and then we're steadily working our way up again. yes we are.
10. Oh, and I'm getting ready to face my fears for May. hahaha yikes!

anyways. that's it for now. :) i miss blogging.

*The rules are easy, just post 10 things that recently made you happy! Then tag 10 people and force them to post this meme on their blogs

tagging: ailene, deus, rory, neena, micah, pammu, janina, mich, janine, law, anj, liz, ida, and everybody!

"it's not like i do this on purpose," i protested. at that point, i really couldn't tell whether i've said things out loud or i just said them in my head. closing my eyes as another wave of nausea washed over me. "i will not drink four shots of espresso in one night." i'm pretty sure i said just to myself. "no more four shots of espresso in one night." i shuddered as a thought of starbucks' doubleshot iced shaken espresso's glorious sweet-bitterness flashed through my head.

"well, whatever, it is, stef. you're always tired," he told me, and i lost the rest what he said because i  thought it would be more important to make sure that i kept myself on my feet.

i need to sleep.

it's 2 a.m. and i have no idea how i let it get this late again.

right now, i remember what another boy had said in history, "It's just not healthy. I want to enjoy life with you longer. So please. Take care of yourself." and i'm all nauseated again. because he's no longer here, and i'm still not sleeping.

I'm not going to ask you where you are now. I'm not going to be impatient. This season, I will inhabit one day at a time. I will sail into the future on mystery's wings and I will not look back. I have been too much like the man who asks, "Are you looking for me?" Our hearts yearn backward. We long to be found, hoping our searchers have not given up and gone home. But I no longer hope to be found. Do not follow me! Let's just be fabulously where we are and who we are. You be you and I'll be me, today and today and today, and let's trust the future to tomorrow. Let the stars keep track of us. Let us ride our own orbits and trust that they will meet. May our reunion be not a finding but a sweet collision of destinies!

Until that time you can call me yours, I remain,

Tala.

(Words not entirely mine. Lifted and adapted from the last paragraph of Jerry Spinelli's Love, Stargirl)

I came back to an old unposted blog on resetting and found this passage on a day last year, when i found sadness setting in my heart without permission. I had asked my God, my Father, for something, anything, from His Word to hold on to. Right now, with only an average of four hours of sleep a day and little rest for the past few weeks, in the midst of writing another article that's just past its deadline, plus all the weariness of being sad about my cat, I cry out to my God--to be my strength, my refuge and my rest. I got one more day this week before heading to the mountains for a retreat this weekend, i just need to get through Friday.

and He gave me this:

Psalm 77

For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.

1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me. 2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.

3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
Selah

4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.

5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;

6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:

7 "Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?

8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?

9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Selah

10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."

11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

12 I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.

13 Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?

14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.

15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Selah

16 The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.

17 The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.

18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.

19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.

20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

I suppose this was written while the psalmist was in "the depths of despair" (from anne of green gables) and things were so dark for him that he couldn't see God nor hear Him. They were close, and God has seen him through harder times, but now the psalmist is asking "Has His unfailing love vanished forever? Has His promise failed for all time?"

sometimes God doesn't feel like He's there, but what we have to do during those times where we're left in the dark, is to trust His character, His heart. To look back and see that He has never failed before, and trust that He has no reason to fail us now. His timing is always perfect and He'll pull through. I guess this goes back to the first lesson i had to learn for the year-- and that is to trust in him, and find my rest in that trust.

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because He trusts in You. Trust in the Lord, forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal." (Isaiah 26:3)

but of course, i still need sleep, and to stop procrastinating. hehe.

"As far as the east us from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." (Psalm 103:12)

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." (William Blake)

i've been wondering about forgiveness lately, i thought i had it all figured out. that our love is a direct correlative of the forgiveness that we give. that when God forgives us, he throws our sins into the depths of the ocean and forgets about them. and that's how i should forgive.

but recent events in my life have been teaching me about what it really takes to forgive and i realize that i haven't made much sense of forgiveness after all-- at least, if you judge from how i'm dishing it out. so this post is not so much a post-- but more of mental ramble as i try to make sense of how to forgive.

every time i talk to my ex online (i still can't talk to him when i see him in person though), i still wonder whether or not i've really forgiven him. because even as i say and know that i am ok and have moved on, everything about him still reminds me of the hurt he had caused me. and i always have to bring it up somewhere in the conversation-- how he had hurt me while we were together, that he wasn't really good to me. everytime i do that, i wonder about the forgiveness that i profess to have given to him several months before.

isn't forgiveness supposed to be like nothing had happened before? forgive and forget, and all that? i thought i could do it, really... heck, i even approved of his friend request here in multiply-- only to find that it's really strange for me to see notices about his impending marriage and of his honeymoon in palawan. so, i had to remove him from the list-- because it's really crazy!

so anyway. forgiveness is a strange creature. i still haven't figured it out. forgiveness is supposed to be not holding the offense against the forgiven anymore, but every thing i've been doing-- from being nice to him and his fiancee, to saying that i'm ok-- is always in reaction to the prior offenses he had done to me. so now i don't know if i had forgiven him or not. but i'm no longer mad at him, that's for sure, and for some strange reason (and only by God's grace) am i able to honestly say that i'm happy they're getting married.

i read somewhere that it is not true that God forgets our sins once they have been forgiven-- because what if He suddenly remembers?! "Only imperfection forgets, but God is perfect." the pastor then reads Hebrews 8:12, "Their sins and lawless deeds I will remember no more." Will remember no more--it's really a promise to not to let prior offenses be relevant anymore. A promise that's a lot more reassuring than forgetfulness.

come to think of it, even if we are no longer under the law-- where one has to burn a sacrificial offering for forgiveness-- but under grace, the price of the offense still has to be paid, but no longer by the perpetrator, but the one who has to forgive. just as Christ had to die for the atonement of our sins, forgiveness requires a sacrifice from the one who is wronged for the one who needs to be forgiven.

i know i'm walking down a tricky line here. but i just realized that in forgiving somebody, we lay down on the altar our pride-- to give up the retribution that we are entitled to, to forfeit the payment of the amount we are owed, to give up the eye for the eye, and the tooth for a tooth. it is to recognize that we have been forgiven for our crimes too, that we no longer have to pay the price for our transgressions because someone else has paid for it. We are not treated as our sins deserve. so we give out what we have been given.

and in forgiving, we are set free-- from our pride, seething anger, festering hurt-- and can now have a good night's sleep.

as for me, it's nearly three in the morning, and i'm dizzy from the nosebleed i got while driving home. but yeah. forgiveness... looks like i still need a lot of practice at it, i can think and write about this all i want, but it's never gonna be real unless i do it. and i need to sleep already...

so yeah. here goes, one day at a time.

"Ooh. How about you're-getting-old-you-should-marry quips from older ladies?"

"Oh. I got lots of those."

"At least it doesn't bother you. It kinda bugs me."

"Haha. Yesterday was the first stef-is-officially-bored-day of the year and in the middle of it, my uncle dropped by the house. Before leaving, he had to ask, 'Ikaw, Hunny, kelan ka ikakasal?'  and i just found myself too tired of the question to say anything funny. It was quite pathetic, really."

"They marry fast at _______ (the church i go to). Maybe you're just picky."

"Um, i don't think they're my type, or maybe I'm not theirs."

"Not mopey goth enough for you?"

"Hahaha. oh. I don't want mopey anymore. I dated an artist for a while but it just made me depressed because he was angsty all the time."

"Yeah. You're picky. Not that it's a bad thing."

"Yes, I think so too."

"It still bugs me though."

"You're still young. Wait until you're 27. At least a younger sister didn't get married before you did."

"Yeah, i'm young. And male. I really shouldn't worry."

"Yep, bachelors have it easy." (At least they don't get called an old maid.)

"I do have to worry about quality, you know."

"So do we! But we have to wait for quality men to come to us. Guys, all you have to do is risk rejection should you find that quality woman."

"My mom was actually commenting on the lack of balls among churched men. What do you say to that?"

"I say, amen!"

"Think that's a general sentiment?"

"Yep. even my mom says so. Hence, I am encouraging all my guy friends to have faith and strength in their convictions-- when they have prayed and sought God for it, and to not give up at the first sign of an obstacle. This also separates real men from the boys, I think."

"That was angsty. You should write about it."

"I think I will."

"I agree with most of what you said, but i also know the rationalization behind why guys act that way. And I think more girls shoud go for Ruth's strategy."

"What's that? Sleep at the foot of the kinsman redeemer?"

"Yeah, exactly that..."

"We're rather short of kinsman redeemers though. We could try gleaning the fields..."

"Heh. It's more the idea of her encouraging her man to action. It's worth looking into."

"Oh yes... that."

"Overall, less starry-eyed, quixotic beliefs."

"I suppose, for a woman, that's much safer than expecting a man to come up with the guts himself to go after the woman he believes that the Lord has for him, no matter how difficult it may seem. The problem is that men have become passive, needing encouragement from the girls before springing into action...

"Agreed on the passivity comment. I don't know if it's a Christian thing or a Filipino thing. Or just a worldwide cultural epidemic. I actually know someone who had to be so certain of success to the point of him having his bridge ask point-blank his object of desire [if she likes him]."

"Yep. That's what I'm sick of. most of my guy friends are like that. but then again, i tell girls to be kind to guys who actually put themselves out there. It's hard enough fo guys, so girls have to be nice about it, even when they have to turn the guy down... oh, this is so going into my blog. I hope you won't mind me quoting you."

"As long as I come off as a stud."

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven" - Ecclesiastes 3:1

so my parents finally got to see one of their children married. my mom says she's relieved and my dad-- well, everybody at the ceremony heard him say it when he gave sherie away to jorem, "i can't wait!"

and after that, nearly all of my well-meaning, married relatives and mom's friends turned to me with the same question, "when are you going to get married?"

since i was still happy for my sister, i just smiled and patted each one of them on the back, and said, "at the perfect time." and of course, being married themselves and old (most of them), they just looked at me vaguely and thankfully didn't say anything more.

i still remember my old retorts to these questions:
"it's not a race."
"God and I had an agreement that I wouldn't settle for less than the best."
"Oh, he hasn't been born yet."
"I like being single."
"I have bad taste in men."

and there were other one-liners that i come up with at the spur of the moment. especially when i get really annoyed-- i was never known for my patience with these things, and the constant questioning of my singlehood is one that really got to me.

yep, got. past tense. does not get to me anymore.

but no, i haven't given up on the whole relationship-marriage thing. i still want (and daydream about) romance, but i won't let it consume me anymore. it's fun to go out on dates, meet new people and talk about guys with the girls, have the occassional crush, maybe flirt back a little (very high school... yeah. haha), but i'm not gonna worry about being single anymore, i'm not going to panic even as i am getting older and more people are going to be calling me an old maid (even when i'm not old yet, but that's Imus, Cavite for you). let other people panic for me if they want to. and i'm not going to read those singlehood essays/books anymore, especially the ones that tell me that it's my fault that i'm not married yet. i've been through that way before, and they only make me feel pitiful and lonely. i'm not going that way again.

this is what's going to happen. i will pray. i will do the task given and fulfill the vision revealed to me, be faithful with what little I have. learn and grow. to seek and delight in my God's will and to trust in His timing-- which hasn't failed me yet. and when the time comes that i look up and finally see The Man, everything will make sense, and the that will be the perfect moment.

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in You." (Isaiah 26:3)

"perfect peace" without being dead! man, i wonder what that looks like. i was both strengthened and admonished by this verse-- because all this time, i thought i had an idea of who God is in my life and that i trusted Him-- but upon closer inspection, i've been going around as if all i had to lean on are my abilities, all these facts and words in my head, the people i know, and the money i have in my wallet.

as my friend had told me, "you don't have to prove yourself to anyone," not to God, not to the people who i think are watching, not to myself. so just be still. my head is just filled with so many voices that i can barely think straight. i can't even write a decent blog post. (heh) (i know this has been a constant theme in my blog, i'm sorry... i just can't seem to get the hang of this keeping still business.)

so this is where i pause. to just keep still and perhaps only then, by the grace of God, wisdom will come.