We think you need another Arena Football team to go along with the one in Columbus.

Love,

Humongous AFL Commissioner David Baker

Dear Las Vegas:

You really screwed the pooch on this one. Hope you like Cleveland.

With Vitriol,

Humongous AFL Commissioner David Baker

Indeed, I wouldn't have noticed this if not for Deadspin. It's Still Football: your source for third-hand news. 

Progress, Prosperity, and... two mysterious and arcane symbols. Seriously, Cleveland, what are those things? Rorschach blots?

Facts:

• National Conference Eastern Division Presented by Mitsubishi
• Arena Bowl Championships: Not so much.
• Formerly the Las Vegas Gladiators, the New Jersey Gladiators, and the New York New Jersey Red Dogs.
• Last Year's Record: 2-14 (Dead last, different conference, different division. But they would've been bringing up the rear in any of the divisions.)

A Paragraph About Upcoming Horror/Delight:

This might not be that bad! Bernie Kosar's a great guy to have on board, and may manage to counteract the apparent batshit mania of asbestos attorney and majority owner Jim "Personal Injury" Ferraro. The real good news is that GM Mike Levy grabbed some free agents that kind of know how to play the game. Hey: it's Ray Philyaw! A competent quarterback! Cornelius Bonner? I think he made a positive impact in Grand Rapids! (Note: I actually looked this up. I was ... kind of right? Offense? Defense? He does ... stuff. I hate research. I much prefer my usual uninformed gibbering.) I can't, for some reason, read the Cleveland Plain Dealer online, so I curse Cleveland. That's how I end this paragraph. Curse you, Cleveland.

Bullet Points About People:

• Bernie Kosar is excited about the direction that Cleveland's going. I'll buy it.
• Donovan Arp's surname comes from the final words of his great-great-great-great grandfather's mortal enemy.
• Rookie Richard Alston fled the flaming wreck of NFL Europa and is listed as one of ArenaFootball.com's rookies to watch. That's promising. He belonged to the Cleveland Browns, so at least he doesn't have to go very far. Except for the part about him playing in EUROPE.

The Good:

I believe Bernie Kosar when he says they're in good shape. He has dancers wearing his jersey. They can't be worse. I almost have math to back that up. They've upgraded in terms of talent. They have a rivalry trophy with Columbus! Rivalry trophies rock me in the manner of a tropical depression.

The Bad:

They're still not great. They haven't moved to an easier division. At all. Hi, Dallas, Philly, Columbus, and New York. They were 2-14 last year, and while I'll freely admit that my knowledge of the ups-and-downs of this league is limited, that sounds like an uphill battle. They failed to rename themselves, and I was really hoping they would.

Completely Arbitrary Prediction:

4-12, not so much with the playoffs. Maybe 5-11. This was a hard prediction, because... I'm incompetent, I guess.

DIRECTOR OF MARKETING: "All right, guys, we pared it down to sixteen pre-med students from Cleveland State. When they were in Las Vegas, they called them the Goddesses. We have to be able to do better than that, right?"

"How about Gladiator-ettes?"

"No."

"Sword Chicks?"

"No."

"Junior Brownies?"

"Dog Pounders?" 

"Marketing Associates?"

"No. Come on, guys. Think outside the box a little bit. Something sexy that maybe starts with a 'G', this isn't rocket science."

[Ten minutes pass. Director of Marketing picks up phone, dials]

"Hey Bernie... yeah, we're going with 'Goddesses'."

Hat-tip to Josh for the heads-up.

Congratulations, Jim, for making a good decision on Friday! This bodes well for Cleveland's inaugural AFL season, as well as for Patricia, who taught her new lesser half a few fashion tips since the last time we checked up on them.

Every time a couple of multimillionaires get what they want, an angel gets its wings.

"This team has done nothing but lose money and games in Las Vegas. I'm out.

"What's that? No, I'm not going to sell and cut my loses. I'm thinking of maybe just pulling up the ol' stakes and relocating.

"I don't know. Maybe a better town would be ...Cleveland?"

An obviously dipshit move by Jim Ferraro, owner of the (current) Cleveland Gladiators:

"Do you, aging and greasy asswipe, take this incredibly attractive woman, Patricia Delinois, who happens to be the CEO of a major real-estate broker, to be your lawfully wedded wife, and put her before all other persons in your life - your parents, your children?*" (*actually said by presiding pastor)

"Meh. I don't think I'm ready for this. Peace."

Apparently he's trying to woo her back after leaving her at the altar of an exclusive $100,000 wedding, and flowers and text messages aren't working. Maybe if QB Jason Fife completes a Hail Mary to propel the Gladiators into the playoffs, she'll take him back, provided he's ready?

According to Ferraro, he thinks the story will probably have a happy ending. According to me, Ferraro should give me Patricia's phone number. I button my shirts!

"Brilliant! Be sure to tell Bernie Kosar immediately!"

[A month and a half passes]

"Did you remove that little serif that makes a C a G?"

"Oh, um, yeah... totally..."

[Hasty design work takes place]

"...Maybe I can write 'Cleveland' in that font... yeah, that makes sense..."

They also removed some of the jaggies.

“‘Gladiator’ represents an individual who sacrifices everything in the name of hard work – which is perfect for the city of Cleveland,” said Gladiators owner Jim Ferraro. “It’s also a familiar metaphor used for football players and for the fans who watch them play.”

I always thought 'Gladiator' represented an individual who sacrifices everything in the name of not being mauled by tigers or in the name of pissing off and ultimately killing Joaquin Phoenix. But, yeah, I guess that's "hard work." If they start calling "The Q" "The Qolosseum," I'm going on a tri-state killing spree.

Bernie Kosar said "We have been building this the right way with a top quality coaching staff and players that will be proud to have "Cleveland" on their uniforms," before awkwardly flinging the logo side-armed at the assembled press corps.

In other Cleveland news, their recent signings include WR/DB Cornelius Bonner, who It's Still Football has described as "serviceable." Also serviceable: the Cleveland Whatevers have a fan site all set up (it's extremely red), AND, you can (finally) buy season tickets, just in time for your preferred Winter Solstice Holiday.

Oh, and before I forget: so you can keep track, the Gladiators changed conferences, so they're overloading the Mitsubishi National Conference Mitsubitshi Eastern Mitsubishi Division, sponsored by Mitsubishi Motors.

In Cleveland's defense, they picked up Raymond Philyaw, who isn't wildly incompetent, but also apparently isn't flashy enough for the Cleveland Leader. I do like the idea of Tim Couch handling the QB position for the Cleveland No-Names, and getting schooled by Dr. Dolezel and Messrs. Dietz, Graziani, and Grieb. At least. But why stop there? Craig Krenzel's available! Cleveland's not necessarily OSU country, but it'd be a thumb in the eye of Columbus, right? Can they wait two years for Dan Whelan to graduate from Case Western Reserve? He brought the Spartans their first University Athletic Association championship in... ever!

Couch, Krenzel, and, someday...

Whalen: Cleveland TBA Ring of Honor.

You know what, they should totally be the Cleveland TBA. That'd be awesome. But they're probably going to be something crappy like "Rockers," or "Bulldogs." Good luck to you, City of Cleveland! The AFL cares about you! Maybe!

We also put the "nose" in there, as well as... what's left: the "as?" That doesn't even make sense. If we made it two to infinity offseasons, we could put the "sass" in there. Oh yeah. Also, I've spent so much time looking at the word "offseason," that I'm not sure it's a word anymore. MOVING ON.

Biggest News: Hey, kids! Bernie Kosar wants what John Elway has! While that part's not news, the fact that the stunningly incompetent Las Vegas Gladiators (nee New Jersey Gladiators, nee New Jersey Gladiators, nee New Jersey Red Dogs - delicious! revolting!) are moving to Cleveland, is. This, and more news, after the breaking of pages:

Majority owner Jim Ferraro, realizing that perhaps rampant absenteeism isn't the most skillful way to run a franchise, brought long-time pal Bernie Kosar onboard in the hopes of becoming relevant, and hasn't yet renamed the franchise. Awesomecross. Kosar, who until recently was brought up only when I got bored playing pick-up football and would decide to throw the ball with his unique combination of sidearm delivery and stroke-victim-esque shuffling, says that he's "excited to bring a team back to his hometown," and that he bought his part of the team from Ferarro "with a sack of quarters in the kitchen cabinet that we always pretended was for the kids' college funds, but let's be realistic: we just said that to make the kids think they were contributing. I also had to get rid of it, because the temptation to brain my soon-to-be-ex-wife with it was too great." Also of note: if you're looking forward to buying tickets, or really finding any information, well, reduce your expectations.

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to "THE Q," Quicken Loans Arena, for YOUR! CLEEEEEEEEEVELAND MEDIOCRITY! (We also would've accepted, taking cues from the Browns: Dogs, Browns, Elfs, Ravens and Modells, or in honor of the Indians: Defeated Savages, Godless Heathens, Indigenous Persons, Smallpox Victims, and Eurocentricism. There aren't any good jokes about Cavaliers. Roundheads? James I's Charles I's? Interregnum?)

Kosar joins Bon Jovi, John Elway, Jaws, Da Coach, and Joey "Wait, I own what?" Galloway as celebrity owners. Kosar's and Elway's teams face off week 7, in Cleveland. Early prediction: PAIN.

Bernie Kosar: He was awkward, back then...

Still awkward.

Relatively Big News:  Rules changes: hey, Mac linebacker! Or perhaps Jack linebacker! One of you has to stay in your stupid crappy box, but now the other one gets to roam! As long as they don't go more than 5 yards downfield before the ball is thrown. Watch out, passes to the flats, and... um, other routes less than 5 yards long. (I just checked: it's the Mac linebacker who still gets less mobility than FDR.) The good news is that as long as we can remember who's the Mac and who's the Jack, there's going to be way fewer decent defensive plays called back by that goofy penalty. It's probably not going to reduce scoring that much, but I think it's going to speed up the game a little (see: bizarre penalties, fewer) and make the linebacker position more useful than the windmill at a miniature golf course. Add to that the fact that the linebackers can release to do whatever they want once the QB pump-fakes (also new), and we might just have a little extra hitting.

New bull-feces rule of dumbness  for dulling up broken plays and chaotic situations: balls that touch walls adjacent to the endline (hey, that's clear, right?) are dead as soon as they touch the wall. Hip, hip: BOOO. I much prefer it when somebody fumbles into the end zone, and it ricochets off of random objects until some large person falls on it. Any rule that adds dead balls is a rule that sucks. If I had my way, it'd be Arena Razzle-Dazzle Rugby Mayan Ball Game Ball, and everyone would play until they collapsed from exhaustion. If someone got injured, the training staff would have to dodge the plays to get the injured person off the field. It'd be like crossing football with the Battle of the Somme. Which isn't exactly a new concept, but the way I envision it is.

Oh, and the defense gets a communication device in their helmet now. Ostensibly for coach communication, but we all know it's so ESPN viewers can try to decipher defensive terminology in addition to offensive terminology. Hooray.

Kind of Interesting News, NFL Bureau:

• Rob Bironas, formerly of the New York Dragons, set an NFL record with a bazillion FG in a game on Monday Night Football, which allowed Jaws and Tony Kornheiser (who I like, even if nobody else does) to chat about the AFL a little. Jaws pimping the Arena League is never a bad thing.
• Original Recipe Kurt Warner returns to NFL relevance (in a manner of speaking) as his Iowa Barnstormers announce their return as an af2 team. The team has been inactive since 2001. Though, since the af2 doesn't believe in proper nouns, they will be the iowa barnstormers, except when they begin a sentence.
• Bobby Sippio has a 2-year contract with the Chiefs and has played mostly on the practice squad and special teams, much to my fantasy team's chagrin. He did, however, manage to stay in the Chicago Tribune where, after the Chiefs-Bears game, he was quoted as saying "I'm the reason that [Devin Hester] touchdown got called back ... Hester took it to the house, but I got held." I'd link to it, but it costs money to read.
• Defensive Player of the Year Greg White, on the other hand, is playing with some regularity for the Bucs and actually has stats. Cleverly, we avoided getting an interview with Mr. White when we were at the Arena Bowl, because we are geniuses. 2.5 sacks! Might be starting, depending on what Gaines Adams does! AFL! AFL! We play defense, too, sometimes!

Kind of Interesting News, Giant Commissioner Bureau:

• Commisioner David Baker continues gripping the league in his gargantuan hand, signing a contract extension, the terms of which were not disclosed. Really, this note is a flimsy excuse to re-run this picture:

After these rums-and-coke, we're going to Mordor!

And More...

Free Agency has been wild. So wild, in fact, that we're going to have to give it its own post. Expect nerdy lines like this: "Matt D'Orazio's back has failed Coach Hohensee for the last time. You are in command now, Shedrick Bonner."

Hello, Tom? Hi, it's Bernie Kosar!

No, Bernie. Kosar.

No, I'm not a truant officer looking for child support.

I'm not Belichick's butler.

I'm a pro-bowl QB from the Browns. No, I know. No, I'm not Brady Quinn. I know he isn't.

You probably don't remember because you weren't old enough to be riding the pine at Michigan.

Anyhow, I have a proposition for you. You looked pretty decent last week against the Dolphins, six TD passes. Not too shabby.

Me? In a single season? Um... 22. Really? Good for you. On pace for 61? Must be nice having Randy Moss around.

If you can do a little better, you could be looking at a starting position on my new team.

Football. Your offseason, a chance for you to keep sharp. I'd need you to throw at least 6 TDs a game though. 49 points won't exactly cut it.

It's the arena league.

Cleveland. You'll love it.

You'd be looking at a contract for 200.

No, dollars. A game.

Hello?