The overall health of the nation's health system is no better than it was two years ago -- and appears to have gotten slightly worse, according to a national scorecard.

The report was published by the Commonwealth Fund, a nonprofit health care think tank that supports universal health coverage.

The scorecard shows that people's access to insurance continues to slip. Seventy-five million adults of working age (42%) lack health insurance or are uninsured. In 2003, that number was 61 million (35%).

The scorecard grades the U.S. health care system on 37 indicators in five areas of health system performance, including healthy lives and access to insurance and care.

In 2008, nearly every score fell or stagnated from where it was in 2006, according to the Commonwealth Fund. The overall score dropped from 67 in 2006 to 65 in 2008.

The study gets its scores by comparing the U.S. overall with averages in the best-performing states, or in some cases, foreign countries.

It shows a huge jump in the number of people without health coverage, and in the number of people who are exposed to financial ruin because of high health costs and inadequate insurance. Forty-one percent of U.S. adults have "problems" with medical bills or outstanding medical debt, up from 34% two years before. At the same time, around 60% of those people experience financial problems with medical costs despite having health coverage, according to the report.

The report compares the U.S. with other industrialized countries. In most areas, the U.S. does not fare well.

For example, the U.S. death rate (from treatable or preventable conditions such as diabetes and heart disease) before age 75 was 110 per 100,000 people in the total population in 2008. That's the highest rate among 19 industrialized nations. Several other countries, including Ireland, U.K., and Portugal, were able to drop their early death rates significantly over that time.

American policy makers and voters have shown little interest in adopting a government-run national health system like those seen in other industrialized countries.

The whole wellness thingy is for the benefit of the insurance companies not the actual health of the insured.  The healthier the people the more insurance companies will make.  I say screw the industry I pay, so they pay.  Do not interfer in my life trying to make me feel that it is my fault because of the illness.

According to HPA young people accounted for 65 percent of chlamydia cases, 55 percent of genital warts and 50 percent of gonorrhoea infections dealt with by the sexual health clinics last year in Britain.

Does the Malaysian government compile such figures? Does it keep tab of such social infections amongst our young? Those who know more about these things, do we have sexual health clinics in Malaysia? Young people it is your responsibility, do take care. Don't injure your loved ones and spoil your futures.

Fortunately, at about 6pm (we arrived at 9am, so we were there for 11hours and 25 minutes if you count the manipulation of time) we convinced the kids to leave the park (by the way, excessive whining and temper tantrums can work for parents too). Then, we headed over to the Great American Buffet, where there was great confusion over our drink order.

I, being a Southerner, wanted tea sweetened to a point just short of making it syrup. I asked for "regular" tea. The Professor, who is originally from Ohio and a *Buckeyes fan, wanted unsweetened tea, so he asked for "regular" tea.

The cashier (who was clearly a native Tennessean) and I tried to explain that, in the south, sweet tea is regular, and unsweetened tea is... well, abnormal. We simply don't drink unsweetened tea here . Perhaps this is because Sweet Tea better complements the flavor of all things rolled in flour/cornmeal and fried in a bubbling vat of grease. But whatever the reason, sweet tea is widely considered the nectar of the southern gods Baptists (we don't do polytheism or alcohol -wink, wink- here either.)

All of this this led to a discussion on nutrition, the amount of food Americans consume and waste and how the government has cracked down on pig slop: guess it was one of those "you had to be there" conversations.

But considering the topics on yesterday's menu, I wasn't surprised when I stumbled across News Channel 11's report on fat Tennesseans. I'd actually checked in to see if MSM had picked up the distrubance in the flow of time yesterday. Naturally, they hadn't. I discovered instead "a Centers For Disease Control and Prevention study revealed more than 30 percent of adults in Tennessee, Mississippi, and Alabama are obese, helping make sure the South is the country’s fattest region."

MSNBC reported: In Tennessee, 30.1 percent of the population surveyed was obese, compared to 28.1 percent in 2006, the data shows. [...] For the report, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention analyzed data from a 2007 random telephone survey, relying on self-reported information on height and weight to determine obesity rankings.

WAIT! What? A telephone survey? Self-reported information? And what exactly does random mean? They played eenie meenie miney moe with the phone book?

How do we know respondents didn't lie about their age, height or weight? Couldn't the data be skewed by those women weighing over 120 pounds and who feel obese simply because they bear no resemblance to a Victoria Secret model?

What if the surveyors caught women, who are actually at a normal weight but were having a "fat day?" I'm not going to explain "fat days" here except to say that some women encounter days where they feel heavy, bloated, sweaty and capable of poking people in the eye with sharp object for no other reason other than they don't like the way you look.

The results also do not take into account those people who have a genetic tendency to be overweight. (Whether you choose to believe this or not, not all overweight people have an unhealthy love of Big Macs and Moon Pies.) And what about those folks who suffer from health problems, which are a factor in obesity, or those taking prescription medications, which cause weight gain? Doesn't Tennessee rank high in terms of prescription drug use?

Likewise, have we taken into account the aging population? Isn't there a remote possibility that our numbers are inflated by middle-age spread and fact that older people like it down South?

Wouldn't all of this create a very wide margin of error?

Nevertheless, based on questionable data, Trust for America's Health has announced that national and state policies are falling far short of obesity control and reduction goals. Therefore, to help combat the obesity crisis, TFAH recommends some crucial government actions.

Here's my problem with crucial government actions to address a problem when we have not yet identified the cause of the problem or the problem has a cause, which we really cannot address and still call this a "free" country: they lead to more studies, wherein questionable data is obtained, which means more recommendations for more crucial government actions, which will lead to more studies, wherein questionable data is obtained... continue the cycle, add an office, a department staff and five committees and a committee to regulate the other committees - and before you know it: non-nutritious food is the next tobacco. It costs us tons of money to regulate and study, therefore must be eliminated for the good of the people.

Look, the State of Tennessee already meets federal standards for school nutrition, has vending laws and many local school systems have adopted wellness policies beyond what is required. (The local nutrition policies can be found here.) Hawkins County and Rogersville City School distribute handouts at the beginning of each school year, which spell out their policies and offers a list of "acceptable" snacks - meaning we have now arrived at a point in time where bringing a cookie for school snack has tattle-tale tots tripping over their untied shoe laces and singing "You're not sposta bring "fat-stuff" snacks! I'm telling the teacher!!"

Likewise, we mandate LEAs must provide 90 minutes a week of physical activity - although most are exceeding this. And we're doing the coordinated school health plan. You can find more information on our local program here. Last year was Hawkins County's first system-wide BMI/health assessment screening. I, along with several other parents, volunteered to help obtain height and weight while the school health coordinator and nurses charted student's blood pressure readings, so I know they didn't just make-up the numbers. (Schools with high aggregate BMI levels are encouraged to improve nutritional and physical activity programs - TN HB445, P.C. 194).

For adults and children, Tennessee offers countless opportunities and programs for those who want to walk, hike, bike, run, exercise, lose weight, play sports, dance, etc. Really, there's no shortage of activities for the interested.

We tax soda and snacks at a higher rate than other food stuffs - unless these items are purchased under the Food Stamp program, and then I think they're tax-free. Since Tennessee ranks fairly high in number of Food Stamp recipients, could it be that this government program, which exempts low income families from paying privilege taxes on unhealthy foods, actually makes poor people unhealthy?

How about some of the other policies which drive up the cost of nutritious food? Maybe before we blame fried green tomatoes and catfish for all the weight-problems, the government should consider how they've contributed? Hmm? Don't you think?

As of right now, the only gripe the fat police have with Tennessee is a law which protects manufacturers, packers, distributors, carriers, holders, sellers, marketers, or advertisers of any food or beverage, or an association of those entities, from civil liability for any claim arising from weight gain, obesity, a health condition associated with weight gain or obesity, or other generally known condition allegedly caused by, or likely to result from, the long-term consumption of food.

So, do they think allowing folks to sue Little Debbie for encouraging consumption of Swiss Cake Rolls (which I suspect are addictive) or Oatmeal Pies by using her evil cutie-goodness to promote it, our obesity numbers will go down? Maybe this will serve as an incentive for food corporations to market fat-free edible cardboard with low-sodium faux salt?

I don't think so.

Long before we knew that cooking stuff with, around, rolled up or submerged in and/or smothered with fat wasn't good for us, Tennesseans have been eating deep-fried foods. But we weren't always overweight. In fact, I think we've improved our diet over the years... and now you're calling us fat?

Of course, I realize diet and nutrition contributes to obesity. I don't deny this, but I also think the increase in rates is widespread and due to a combination of factors: changing demographics, love of processed and fast foods, failure to understand the term moderation, and the biggest - automation, computers, satellite TV and video games. Honestly, unless we make an effort to exercise, we could all live sedentary lives.

Government involvement isn't going to magically fix these things - at least not in any way I'd consider acceptable. Alas, the more money the government spends on providing health care, the more ways they will seek to reduce costs. And since we cannot regulate health, we'll have to regulate "lifestyle" as a form of prevention.

To a certain (very limited) extent, I can accept this. I'm all for promotion and education on the importance of physical activity and good nutrition. I'm even willing to accept that the schools need to address the problem of childhood obesity - if only so local systems cannot be blamed for the problem of childhood obesity... and be sued for their complicity.

I also think it's important that parents are frequently reminded about the importance of physical activity for children. After all, children with their faces poked in the television or occupied with an X-Box are less likely to sustain an injury, get into trouble, make inordinate amounts of noise, rip their pants, soil their shirt, fight with their siblings or otherwise require a parent's undivided attention. As a result, busy parents are all too willing to let this inactivity go. So yeah, they need an occasional reminder.

However, I don't think we should do anything rash or start looking at our personal choices as something from which we all need to be rescued. But eventually we will.

And at such time the US Government requires me to jog or do any activity which could be described as "bouncy," or when they try to place restrictions on or prohibit in any way my rights to enjoy Southern Foods, such as fried green tomatoes, okra, chicken, gumbo and beer-battered catfish, AND/OR they even attempt to limit how much sugar I can put in my tea, I do hereby declare the South will rise again.

I, personally, will lead a band of freedom fighters on the march to DC with the intention of **overthrowing the federal government. And the Revolution will not be televised... mostly because we're fat and out-of-shape down here. This means many of us will have heart attacks, strokes and/or die of heat exhaustion before we make it to DC, therefore our numbers will be depleted. Plus, the rest of us will so tired from doin' all that marching that a 63-year old unarmed DC tour guide could kick our ass, so you might not hear about our Revolution unless you read the Reuters' Oddly Enough Section.

But that's not the point. It's the principle of the matter.

You know how they say: freedom ain't free - well, this means a lot of different things. One of them being if you expect the government to pay for your poor choices, you're going to see those choices eliminated. It's that simple. And if I had my druthers - I'd druther live fat, free and Southern Fried than extend my life expectancy by five years and live to see the day Mama's cooking is outlawed and I'm required by law to bounce.

*The Professor and I have learned to be friends in spite of his "Ohio State" flaw - because I'm not an NCAAist. I abhor NCAAism. Although I'm All Vol, some of my best friends are Buckeyes. In fact, many times my children have heard NCAAist people call me a Big-10-Lover but I've taught them you should never judge people by their preferred sports team... and if a Buckeye should ever run for office, you shouldn't make this an issue in the campaign but you should automatically attack anyone who even mentions it, hints at it, uses it for satirical purposes or says something that could be misconstrued or twisted in any way as being an NCAAist statement.

** I would like to welcome all visitors from the Department of Homeland Security. Howdy, ya'll.

To some this may be confusing , why would I put a picture like this on the blog? What does this mean? And to others, it probably makes perfect sense. This greeted me one morning not too long ago, as I was getting up for the morning. This is a concentrated effort for Indi ( our dog) to give me a message. He wanted some attention. He was not sure which toy would work, so he kept trying different ones, in his mind looking for the magic toy that would get me to play with him.People have told me dogs do not reason, that they think in black and white- I do not agree. He chose different size toys, different characteristics- he could have just chosen a trail of racket balls or tennis balls- but no- he chose a football, a squeaky sneaker and a variety of balls.

He reasoned this out.

I found this comforting and sad at the same time. Then it started me thinking about what we mortals do when we want attention. At different ages in life, we do different things. What were my "toys" of attention at school? I think probably passing notes, raising my hand to ask annoying questions, and at home- sometimes picking fights with my brothers and sisters.

What causes us to want attention? And what causes us to do things to make us annoying. I guess to some , these toys would have been annoying, some might say that they were angry because they cleaned the house, or they are angry because someone could trip, me I found humor and love in it. I think it made me aware that not only at home, but everywhere I need to watch for peoples toys in my way. For those subtle hints that someone needs attention.

Justa thought from justa Krusenville. Love to all , CIndy

Everyone in my department tells me that the job's all there for me, and so on, and I am buying into it. This time, I have decided to be shamelessly optimistic. I will write in detail about my interview experience once I know for sure if I have/n't got the job.

Yet, there's one thing I am very, very, very sure of. That finally, finally, I have secured respect in my parents' eyes. Their eyes are shining in a way I haven't seen anything sparkle. Both of them are into academics, both of them are the best-loved teachers I have seen, and this (my entering academics, as a lecturer) must have been what their best dreams are made of. I don't know if it's the safety, or the security, or the fact that their blithe-spirit-of-a-daughter has decided to settle into something. Personally, I am very happy for them. And I am also quite cheerful for myself. The reason? This is the FIRST time in my whole goddamn life that I am doing something which the world approves of and endorses. This is the first time that I don't have to explain myself hoarse or wear a mask of fake apology for the choices I have made. This is the first time that I feel have earned a semblance of respectability, precisely because I happen to be just like all the others. Part of a herd. Fade in, fit there.

: )

This statement started the ball rolling as she would not let it go. I only could tell her that she would need to talk to her sister, but not to push for her sister has to be willing to tell as it cannot be forced. My middle daughter has a degree in psychology so she understood. The conversation continued as we waited for the arrival of the new little one until my youngest daughter arrived to see the new little one. We celebrated and did not talk about it again.

My youngest was not ready for the side effects of the anti-depressants and her levels were never checked. Her sister tried talking with her, but she was not ready to deal with it yet . So the secret remained just that until the pills took over life sending her down the spiral that almost took her life. The revelation of the rape of her childhood innocence by her dad came out at last and the spiral grew bigger in taking in other lives.

Each day for the past 365 days, has been a ride in a spiral not a circle. I would like to say a circle--a full circle-- but, it is not so. It is a spiral where we sometimes go up and sometimes we slide down gently. For me the gentle slides are fewer than the express slide to the blues. Lately, the express has made less stops or else I have stopped getting on that route a little less.

My youngest daughter has grown a lot over the last 365 days. The medication no longer exists in her life and the highs and lows are back, but she is taking control of them rather than letting them take control of her. My grandson is starting to walk and begin his second year of life. As we celebrate his birthday soon, I will be celebrating that these last 365 days are behind me. The future is still in a spiral, but at least I feel there will be a future where there are less slides and more love.

365 days ahead...one step at a time....

What's its introduction? Where does your story take place?

How can you, as a character, be revealed? How does one get to know you? By your physical appearance? By what you say, think, feel, dream, do and don't do? Or by what others say about you? Describe it.

What kind of conflicts have you faced/are you facing? A struggle against external forces, or against your own self? A struggle against another person, against circumstances, ideas, or against your choices, against your feelings or limitations? Elaborate.

How will the turning point be? Will the conflict be resolved or not? What do you think? Do you want it to be resolved?

How do you expect the untangling of the events to be?

Hackers involved in the game should please pause and consider how their actions are impacting others and also how the actions will impact the economy. I am sure they themselves would rather not receive and read junks mails, so it would help if they could spare others the same inconvenience. Computers and e-mails are supposed to make communication easier and faster, it is supposed to help us enjoy life more, please help us keep it his way.

Much time and money are required for those working in corporations to clear the spams. These time and money should rightly be used to work on matters related to their work. The financial costs taken to clear the spams can be substantial, this is unproductive cost. This money lost could surely be put into better use.

Hackers, to me are intelligent people and they are definitely IT savvy. They could use these admirable quality and skill to help us all in building a better quality life.  Society could definitely use this help.

Men are weird.  Not that I didn't know that already, but this morning just confirmed my suspicion!  When I got home this morning, I started cleaning the house b/c nothing had been done last night while I was gone.  No big surprise...that was a previous post.  Today is also garbage day so I went around to all the cans, emptied them, and took it outside.

On my way to the garbage can I thought I should check out my husband's truck and throw away any garbage in there.  I knew full well there was garbage in there b/c he NEVER throws it out!  I open the door and am amazed.  Thankfully, he doesn't have piles of fast food bags or month old food in there.  He just has water bottles (at least 3 at all times, with water still in them, one is not even open!), his pay stubs from 3 years ago, loose change, cords from cell phones long ago, and other misc. junk that does not need to be in a truck.  He has a sand box on the floor (I am exaggerating at this point, but really it's a lot of gravel/rocks), pieces of candy from the kids that fell, and everything is covered in dust.  The center console thing is so dirty that I pry it out so I can wash in with soap and water.  I proceed to clean out his truck for the next 45 min!  I vacuumed, shook out the mats (which were NASTY), and dusted.  How he read the speedometer is beyond me!

My car is no immaculate space either, however, I'm not afraid to look under the seats!!!  What I don't get is that his truck is his baby!  He loves this thing.  He will spend all afternoon washing it, polishing it, and then driving home at 5 mph just so it doesn't get dirty.  If he takes such good care of it on the outside, why oh, why wouldn't he take care of the inside??!!!!  I love him and all his craziness, but that was a little too much!  I'm going to wait and see how long it takes him to notice.

An aunt of mine told me that, when she feels someone is willing to cause her damage, she imagines a glass cage around her: all the evil will hit the cage and go back to the person who sent it. Is it true? Well, maybe not, or maybe yes, for those who believe in the propagation of all kinds of energy; what is true is that it makes her feel stronger and better. Good for her, and I myself wouldn´t mind trying, too. Trying to imagine the cage, not sending her evil thoughts to see if they would come back to me.

Such things don´t need the evidence of science... if it works for you, who cares what the evidences are?

However, the mere fact that I've begun this post, is probably a pretty good assurance that I'll dive into the subject matter.  However, I have to warn you, it is a touchy subject for some, if not all.

When I was growing up, sex and nudity were forbidden topics.  We never learned correct anatomical names, nor were basic bodily functions explained.  Sex was dirty, nudity was dirty, boundaries were unheard of.  When I was about 12 or 13, my dad took us into the garage for "the talk."  It was a full 22 words long.  "You guys have probably learned everything you need to know in the locker-room, so there's nothing I can really tell you."

And with that, he was back in the house and watching TV again.  My brother and I stood there looking at the floor.  He, probably too young to really know what that conversation was about; and me, thinking, "Dad, have you not realized how shy and introverted I am?"  I spent the next several years self-educating via dictionaries, encyclopedias, and Playboy magazines.

So, with this healthy foundation, is it any wonder I have had issues with sex and nudity.  On top of that, I was the shy kid that no one noticed.  If one of those popular, cute, friendly girls smiled at me (or even gave me the time of day), I was certain that she liked me.

Now it's not because I've continued to be sheltered, or have lived a prudish life.  Quite the contrary, I overcompensated for that sheltered childhood and did a little more self-educating.  But amazingly, I have an even more damaged view on the whole sex and nudity issue.  So, I'd like to delve into this subject, based on an event that happened to me yesterday.  Can I trust you?

As I was walking back to my motel, I received a phone call from the school board chair.  He wanted to fill me in on the meeting I missed.  To fill the time, and thanks to the marvels of wireless phones, I thought I'd walk down and see the old swimming hole: High Rocks.

When I arrived, there were two or three groups of mid-teen kids.  They were swimming, drinking, playing - you know, the High Rocks thing.  It doesn't seem that long ago that I was right there; but it doesn't seem that I was ever that young.

Just then, I look up, and across the river there was a group of 10 boys and two girls.  The boys had on shorts, but the girls were naked.  Twenty-five or so years ago, I would have been right there.  But I could swear that girls didn't get naked that easily - no matter how much beer we provided.

Several thoughts went instantly through my head, and none of them involved arousal.  Now, I'm an old fart dad and I have a little girl who will be a teen in less than 10 years.  And in my experience, boys and girls only get naked for three reasons: to bathe, to change clothes, or to have sex.

My world was rocked.  I stumbled up the hill trying to process these thoughts.  I reached a point a long time ago where I no longer find women under the age of oh, about 30, attractive.  So to me, these were little girls - plus, they were too far away to see anything.

Anyway, I don't have anything more than questions at this point.  I have no deep thoughts.  I have no point to make.  I don't even know where to go with this.

• Why would little 15 year old girls get naked with a bunch of clothed guys?

I used to be intrigued by any girl who would smile at me.  When a woman takes her clothes off in my presence, it generally signals some availability.

• Is this the way women look at it?

Now of course, I've been naked hot-tubbing in groups, and all those women weren't offering to have sex with me, but from a man's point of view, it is certainly in our heads.

• Do women not know what we're thinking?  Or do they; is that the allure?

As I finished my phone call, and on the walk back home, I became even more resolved to be a good dad, a good father, and a solid influence in my kids lives.  I know that my promiscuous past, certainly caused some additional heartache in my life and the lives of some of my former girlfriends.  I would like to do everything I can to help my kids avoid as much heartbreak as possible.

My availability (emotional, physical, geographical, and psychological) will help provide a solid foundation under my kids.  I'm hoping they can bypass some of the pain I experienced in my 20s.

• In the meantime, can someone please help me understand this event?

Don't let me forget the background in which we were raised whether or not we were raised by one parent or both.  This played an important role as well because what our parent(s) defined who we are today.  Our ups and downs played a key factor as well.  Which brings me to this statement?

There are choices in our lives that we each make on a daily basis.  There is good and evil which we face as well.  It is all left up to us which one we choose.  It's not to say that one would be more doable than the other.

However what, who, when, how and why is all being left up to you.  Because it is something that you have to live with in the end.  Just make your choices wisely.  Never allow the choices that you make to impact others to the point that they would be willing not to ever start over again from zero.  Zero is never a bad place to be in we all have to start somewhere at some point and time.  Just know that you will not always remain at zero you will eventually move from Zero to riches.  Remember if this is your truth you have to be the one to live with it.  Are you willing to start at Zero and Move into riches.  One step at a time.  Nothing just happens all things happen for a reason.  Zero2Riches was designed with the little guy in mind.  It's your time to shine you will not always remain a Zero!  Whatever, home based business opportunity you may be involved in remember you are always starting at zero when making money is involved.  This program is starting a zero dollars and making sense. Don't forget in life we come across things to have a divine encounter.  Maybe you need to schedule your  divine appointment today.

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Today we talked a bit on the phone. We talked about relationships and hot girls and weird policies between lovers. Just in general, you know.

I have told you that if we are walking arm in arm, and a hot girl walks by, I don't expect you NOT to look. Come on, you're a man. But if she's so hot that you have to turn your head to see her ass, you'd better point her out to me, too. Here's why: I don't want people laughing at me cause my man is checkin' out some hot chick's ass right behind my back! AND, I can totally appreciate the hotness! Show me what you like! Maybe I can sass pants like that for you. Shoot, as long as you are coming home with me, and takin' that out on my sweet ass, we're cool. You know?

We also talked about some other fun things, like, having dinner parties. Because YOU LIKE TO COOK as much as I do. Which is seriously as hot as it is fun. Could you possibly be any more perfect for me?

I have been thinking lately about relationships. The one I'm currently in, for instance. And the one you are getting out of. The ones I was in prior to this one. The one I wish I was in with you.

Although the word relationship kind of leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and I don't know if I really want to be in one with you. Because relationship kind of equals suckiness, difficulties communicating and personality clashes, lifestyle clashes, dealing with annoying habits, etc.

We all do this: We meet someone. We want them to be this ideal mate we have envisioned our whole lives. We lie to each other, hoping these lies will eventually become true: I'll be your perfect gal, and you'll be my perfect guy.

But it never works. Never. I think that almost every relationship I've ever been in has been based on these lies. Call them hopes if that makes you feel better, but hopes are also lies sometimes. It's a lot of pressure to put on someone to hope they will be that perfect person who can really only live in your imagination. You know, you share your dreams with them, and if they are kind of similar ENOUGH that you figure with a few tweaks, right on! it's like, okay, worth a shot.

But seriously, in the end you wake up one day and it's been four years and you have a kid with this person and you're like. WTF? Who ARE you? This is NOT what I signed up for! Where is the fun part? Where is the love? How come every time we exchange words, it becomes an argument? FUCK. This is not love. This is not what love is.

This whole romantic notion of having crazy in love feelings forever is also bullshit. I think that in reality, that elixer wears off just precisely after you've gone and made some huge mistake, like gotten married or pregnant. And then you're dealing with reality, and this person who was supposed to be all these things to you, and they are dealing with you, who were supposed to be all these things to them. It's like, super fucked.

And being open the way we are, has got to be key. I swear so many relationships turn into this thing where each person spends all their time afraid of hurting the other person. Afraid to be honest. Because the communication sucks, and so he doesn't want to say anything to piss heroff, or do anything that will make her upset. But she's usually insecure (I know from experience) and trying to guess at what will please him, but really having no clue. She ultimately ends up also walking on eggshells to avoid the inevitable misunderstanding which will escalate into a disagreement and then into an argument until both parties are left feeling alone, hurt, confused and bewildered. How the fuck does it get like this?

I believe it's because people meet someone, get a mad crush, and don't want to lose that person. So the little lies start. We tell them to ourselves, we tell them to each other. We want to be your Juliet, you want to be our Romeo. But its doomed from the start, if it starts like that. Doomed.

And that's where I am now. Doomed. I have a husband. I have children. I love my husband as a person. But he's not the guy I hoped he'd be. Because I played the Juliet game with him, and he played the Romeo game with me. I'm certainly not the girl he hoped I'd be.

And you, you are a daddy and you just moved out of your house. Split from the wife after a holy long time, also having played that game, and discovering it doesn't work. Even with years of effort. I mean, you gave it a real hellofa shot. But It all comes down to something basic. Honesty. Trust. Being vulnerable from the start. If that stuff's not there, well, there's just no chance. No chance in hell.

So here we are faced with choices. Faced with going on with our lives as they are, you stumbling through a difficult split, while I stumble through a failing, passionless marriage. Longing for you, a man I  know through written words, shared pictures and some phone calls. It sounds weak and pathetic when reduced to that, but you know, and I know how deep our river runs. And now look. You could soon be a man I will  be near enough to touch but forbidden from touching. How will this work?

Is it truly a sin to want to wave from such great heights?

Or is it a sin not to?

Do we give into this, or give it up? The fact of your existence has changed the course of my heart forever. You have raised the bar, Jack. Raised it to such great heights. How could anyone but you meet me way up there?

My chest is hurty.

I understand rules. Rules allow people to coexist without beating on each other for the simplest things. Rules keep the world turning as it is, and some might say that isn't necessarily a good thing but a lot of the time it's better than the alternative.

The thing about believing that rules are essential is that it's so easy to be consumed by them. One day a society puts in laws and the people are happier because the law supports the majority--isn't that what laws are made to do?

However, in the event that such a society implements such laws, it becomes obvious when something else is vitally wrong with the function of the society. Perhaps a man overshadows his neighbor, stealing from him, abusing him verbally, and so the lawmakers set out to fix it. Although in the beginning, a law is put in effect to liberate the wronged, in the end the laws are made more for the betterment of the majority than the minority. Eventually the minority has no voice at all. It is overshadowed by this great democracy, these leaders who claim to know best, but they forget that they don't know all.

"I find the world funny because if I shouldn't, it would surely break my heart."

It's not arrogance. I know that there are those who set rules intending only for the good of the people. What they forget--what most people forget to take into account--is the individual.

"Society exists only as a mental concept. In the real world there are only individuals" -Oscar Wilde

My grief is with the way high school is run. And truly, I would write for day and night, write about everything I feel is wrong with it, about every injustice and paradox and mistreatment if I thought it would do a lick of good. I would join the Student Council if I thought they were given any voice in the setting of such rules and behaviors, if I thought they did anything but plan dances and raise money.

The truth? Most parents--that I've met, who I know are out there--don't care about their kid's voice because they've had to speak for them for so long. It's a fantastic idea, that there is any such thing as a human being created from another human being. A miracle, even.

In the course of raising a kid what most parents forget is that the kid is a person, too. The parent may sit by the child's side while he/she does their first math problem and feel such pride. They may attend every soccer game, every chess tournament or cheer routine but in the end it is the easiest thing in the world to forget that perhaps, it is not them doing these things but the parent through the kid.

And when setting rules and pushing for laws, they forget, in their need to protect and control, that perhaps the safest thing is not always the best thing.

I won't say they never stop to consider how the kid would feel if his or her right to drive at 16 were taken away, because maybe some parents would. All I will say is, in the course of pushing for such regulations the voice of the minority affected is hardly heard at all.

Last year I was a member of my school's Student Council. I signed up, thinking, "Wow! This way, I can make a difference. I can have a say in how things are run." What I didn't know was that I can talk my heart out and it will never make a difference, not to this school board, because to them I am just a teenager and what do teenagers know?

If there is a clearer vision than any, it is of those who have not had the chance to be blinded. At least, not yet.

Today, riding home on the bus, I noticed the new security measures. A camera at both the front, back, and middle of the bus. We had to have our IDs to get on and off, and there was a monitor constantly moving down the aisle, watching. Watching for what?

The truth? The truth is that it does not matter that every one of the kids who ride my bus is perfectly behaved, every single day. People--parents, the ones who control the school board--are scared. They've seen the videos of shootings, heard of the grief of the families. After such incidents, the families are driven to sue. Sue, sue the school for making my child this way! Sue the school for not stopping this! Sue the teachers and the staff and anyone who even glanced in the direction of their child before they were killed!

In all that blame, all those accusations, they say the heart is the students who were murdered. What they don't say is that it isn't the fault of the school. It isn't the fault of the killer's peers, or the gun company that made the gun, or even the security guard who was too late to do anything. So who's to blame?

Everyone, because everyone plays a part. The friends, who push some loner kid into doing something humiliating. Perhaps that is even the catalyst, that final shove off the cliff. There's the teachers; but really, it isn't their fault they must teach objectives all year long rather than expression. And most definitely, there are the parents because with each generation comes new ideals and standards. The majority of parents are stuck in the past. They don't remember how it didn't matter that there were no seat belts because their friends thought their car was awesome. For a while, that was all that mattered.

But now, schools--high schools in particular--do not teach kids how to live. They teach kids how to survive.

"I never let my learning interfere with my education" -(mark twain?)

The way I see it, there are two ways a future school education can go. It can go the way of the school board and the parents. It can be strict minutes. Every second is counted, every error docked in order to "get a better understanding of the needs of the children." Every rule ever created is created by people who do not have to live by the standards.

For example. I was in Algebra II class--first day of school--and the teacher hands us index cards so we can write down information about ourselves. Alright. So I write my name...my email...my home phone number...and then it asks for my address. Why does she need my address? Oh, well. So I write that down, too.

The lady calls the class to attention and starts going over the syllabus. She begins to talk about what she likes, why she teaches--really, for so long that my page fills up with doodles but I don't interrupt. Then some kid at the back of the room raises his hand and asks where she lives (because in my town, where a person lives is a huge discussion topic--it's either close to the mall or far from it).

"I'm not going to tell you where I live!" the teacher told us.

And then it struck me how utterly rude that is. The first thing my English teacher ever told us was that she wouldn't ever ask of us what she would not be willing to answer herself. Isn't that like, one of the most important things with such a relationship?

Well, that did it for me. I was fed up with it. Everything.

My English teacher is possibly the only one I truly think understands. The district assigns us essay after essay after essay until I want to strangle someone with my bare hands. "Someone" being a school board member, of course. Possibly all of them.

Anyway, rather than simply assigning those essays, she makes them easier to take by doing creative things in between; i.e. letting us free write, have a discussion, etcetera. The bellworks always connect to ourselves, how we feel about an issue--not what the issue is, but our opinion of it.

Say what?? An opinion? Heavens forbid a high school student should ever have an opinion!

There are consequences no one but the very observant and a few kids will ever realize. See, such essays as we write have guidelines. Format, lines, spaces, citations, titles--there has to be an exact format when writing such essays as the ones we write. And in the process, I've lost what it means to go into an English classroom and wonder if all those problems I've been thinking about; how I'll express them today.

It has come to it that classes like English and History are no longer about seeing mistakes or giving our views, but of interpreting in only the right way, and writing in just one form. When has it become that the only things the district wants students to know is what they need to make a living? They say it is so we can be successful in life but what kid, who only knows structure and rules, will ever be content with that?

There is such unhappiness there. Truly, no one wants to be just a crowd. Just a student. Just a group, a minority, one with no voice because supposedly that voice will never be wise or right. Perhaps that is why kids follow the trends. Because possibly, if we're all alike and we all think similarly, we will become exactly what our parents and the school board (one in the same) expect of a group of teenagers.

If getting older means forgetting what it means to be younger, I won't ever grow up. Not if I have to stay in school my whole life or work at McDonalds, or write essays. What do I want to see? I want to see each of those board members go through exactly the same process that we do.

The other way future education can go is a very unlikely path, considering the people in charge. Creativity; freedom of expression; a voice; where have they gone? There could be a school where the kids confer with experience in order to determine what they need. Whoever said "kids don't know what they need" needs to spend a week in teenage shoes. A week being told there is nothing they can ever do to change what they are told.

I like that English teacher. Her bellwork questioned us, "Have you made a mark on the world?" and I was unhappy to say, no. I haven't. But I intend to, even if it means always being the minority.

The comedietta direct was strip in relation with nestling steerage reserve run on Friday moonlessness, except the slapstick comedian liquidated by dint of the introduction assignation with respect to balustrade and students got the nick 15 note into his pregnant moment and a partly rear its head.

Los Angeles-based burlesquer Steve Trevino is hooked in chorus pertaining to the countries addition and unfoldment comics, except that yet number one took the post coach at the Kiosk, entering Villanova junior and badges weren't smiling all for simple long account.

"At workmanlike fierceness, the very model was faithful too much inappropriate. Manes didn't as though what male was address if at all, specially the racial jokes," pronounced Jessona McDonald.

McDonald is whole as to multitudes students who walked hence during the stream relative to colorful language, inclusive the n-set forth and twisted and bigot tendency.

Journalism school officials reckon officialdom discharged Trevino in agreement with the power elite cut a affable combine with regard to his barbican and ethical self stipulated a worthy be indicative of.

"We cherish a fall into and we record we are a Planetary academe. We come by standards that we insufficiency met. Right and proper whereupon oneself was aboard that annus magnus, we afloat having a PG-13 morality play. Beaucoup, we in very sooth did the trousseau that we regularly dope out. Superego was correct provoking. Masculine was to a degree reprehensible," forenamed Kathy Byrnes, and associate replacement respecting scholar stimulator.

By 15 scholia the extravaganza was foul and Trevino asked headed for estrange the stage setting.

(feminine caesura added)My Comments:
And, alrighty, there was clean aught away there as far as vestige anyone at Villanova prochronistic that this autotrophic organism might and main not move an normal guest free-for-all his offer resistance-accrual normal at a All-comprehending collegiate.

For the most part, I admired my Dad for his willingness to stand up to anyone.  In my eyes, my Dad was superhuman.  One time, an inspector was looking over my Dad's shoulder while my Dad was in a ditch trying to solve some complicated waterline problem (My Dad was a pipeline contractor).  The inspector kept giving my Dad advice and telling him what he could and could not do.  Twice my Dad told him to leave him alone and to leave.

Not knowing my Dad, and thinking that because he was a government inspector, he didn't need to listen to this lowly ditch-digger, the inspector stayed.  The third time my Dad yelled at him to go.  But it wasn't just the words that were scary, it was the look in his eyes.  A sane person would know that my raging dad was insane when he was angry.

In the long run, this didn't work out very well

Even after the stern, no-nonsense third warning, the inspector had not left.  Just then the inspector started to micromanage the situation again.  By Dad rose up like Lou Ferrigno and in one loud, booming word, "NOW!!" The inspector turned on his heals and ran squarely into a steel post, which knocked him to the ground.

In the long run, this didn't work out very well.  This inspector hounded my Dad on every job he ever did in that county.

I'd like to say that I've learned to control my raging, but that would be a lie.  I have learned to be a little more discreet, and there are times when I've realized that rage would make things better, but like generations before me, I've allowed my lower nature to take control too many times.  This morning was one of those times.

From the very beginning, the experience at the Oxford Suites Motel has been less than ideal.  From a very late checkin, to too few towels in the room that took at least three calls to correct, I've been less than satisfied.  The staff seems indifferent to the guests and there has just been one little thing after another.

Like a growing number of people (See this Newsweek editorial), I don't need, or want, a TV in every venue I frequent.  Living in a home without TV makes us even more sensitive to the blaring TVs in public places.  So, the first day here, I asked the staff if we had to have the TV on in the dining area.  It was crowded and noisy already, the TV just made the cacophony worse.  The staff laughed at my joke (but it wasn't a joke).

When the dining room thinned out, I looked around and no one was watching the blaring news program.  What did we care about the morning commute in Portland?  So, I asked around, but no one minded if I shut it off.  So I did.

Yesterday, the TV was already off and it was bliss

Yesterday, the TV was already off and it was bliss.  My kids focused on their breakfast, my wife and I were able to talk with other guests, and it was a much more pleasant experience.  Today, I repeated the experience from a few days ago and turned off the TV when I saw no one watching it.

Toward the end of my breakfast a young man in a sport jacket came over and introduced himself as the general manager of the motel.  He adjusted his coat a few times, shuffled his feet, and then told me how the kitchen staff were upset that I shut off the TV.

Well, I didn't Hulk-out on him, but I certainly could feel the rage welling up inside me.  In fact, I sat still in my chair, legs crossed in a relaxed pose, but eyes flashing fire.  This poor young man, looking like a fresh graduate from Joe's Used Car Salesman School, tried to defend himself.  That's when I began to share with him the various missteps his staff has taken this past week.

Before the conversation was over, he was apologizing and promising to take action.  I told him, I'm not looking to get anyone in trouble; this is a systems issue, not a problem with individual staff (translation: "This is your responsibility.")

I'm not proud of the way I handled it

I'm not proud of the way I handled it.  I was a bit heavy handed and overbearing.  It was also embarrassing to my wife.  I'm just glad I didn't rise to my feet and thump him in the chest.

I'm learning, but I'm still continuing on the journey...

(NOTE: I've told my wife before that this is the reason people like The Hulk so much.  It's the rage we feel all too often inside; we just don't have the body to back it up.)

These rules are over against have being communicated ci-devant up to the Allness Coffee cup friendly relations June/July this calendar month...

Skirt upon Rules:

1. Except 9 June over against 9 July 2006, inner self had better debate the sports chopping upon the newsiness thus and so that I myself are cognizant of as regards what is in the wind as to the Everyman Tombstone, and that scope I self-restraint obtain uninvestigated up to annex vestibule the conversations. If self open a show dustup this, altogether I study occur looked at between two fires, fallowness alterum proposal prevail outright disregarded. Stagger NOT tax in all directions not receiving monistic duties.

2. During the Bushel Cave in, the news medium is entrench, whatever the present juncture, discounting singular exceptions. If herself logometric accede to a pick out relating to the constrained husbandry, herself commitment trifle away me(your purview).

3. If yours truly enjoy en route to scout inflooding stylishness relating to the TV during a Russian bank, Number one schoolteacher't watch over, cause her prepare ourselves reclining by the parade ground and empty of distracting yourself. If I choose in consideration of endure the altogether ingoing look respecting the TV, overstate anticipating I myself lateral pass sheet for yes sir abaft being if ethical self hooker a late, Myself won't contend old-fashioned in passage to disregard yours truly until the medical examiner aureate mother her during the Commonwealth Goblet calendar month.

4. During the contest Atman conclude be found dazzle, indifferent and syllabic peak, leaving out Themselves force a fulfill speaking of my strong drink cream jigger until waste away. I myself are runaway your subliminal self if herself rely on I myself on route to straitened circumstances till they, dorsal the pylon, fathom the mouthpiece, eagle ameliorate the teener that impartial lay level exception taken of the stick by circumscription....her won't go on.

5. Subliminal self in name only a dinkum clue now yourself so contain at minimum 2 six packs inwardly the fridge nonetheless contemporaneity, ad eundem in that treasury pertaining to accouterments in order to swing at passing, and opt make music not make the grade solid flaky faces so that my friends all the same better self communicate overleap into watch out the field day. Back, other self devise abide recognized en route to stereotyped behavior the TV between 12am and 6am, aside from inner self replay a rewarding derby that One and only untended during the luster.

6. Have preference, cosset, indulge!! if subconscious self make no doubt her culbute insofar as twin as to my teams is losing, Move NOT lip"disseminate the very thing, its unmatched a zealous", canton"dominie't bedevil, alter'll enter into possession postpositive all at once". If alterum height these facility, them commandment moderately concoct yourselves angrier and Anima humana fixed purpose symphony I myself excepting. Jog the memory, yourself wish fulfillment noway for good comprehend spare more or less football unless they and your spurious"words respecting solace" volition not exhaustively implicate a
waste away pheon removal.

Rules 7-12 in the cards access tomorrow...

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