awkward.

On which note I've noticed that the gays at David Barton Gym burp more than any straights I've ever known in my life. While in the shower today I heard a big, deep, bellowing burp emanate from the adjacent stall. They are communicating when they burp, I've decided. They are talking. What I heard today, for instance, was "Hello. My name is (Brad, Chase, etc.) and while I quite enjoy all manner of gay sex I am masculine. Thank you." Anyway, please stop burping. It's gross.

Once latched on, you will see little jaw movements. These are telling your brain that it's feeding time. As the milk lets down, you will see the jaw rhythm change to big open and close movements. The movement can be seen right up to the tip of the ears. As baby swallows the milk you can hear swallowing noises. At first, it may be a small sound, like a soft "k" in the back of the throat. Later, as the milk has more volume, you can hear swallowing much more easily. Babies have a pattern of suckling movements when they are feeding. They suck, swallow,suck,swallow.....and pause. Then the pattern will start all over again.  This pattern continues throughout the feed. Infants will slow down as the begin to feel full ot perhaps get an air bubble. This is a good time to take your baby off the first breast, offer a burp, and move on to the second breast.

Burping

Burping is done in between feedings. If you are breastfeeding, then the best time to burp the baby is before he starts on your second breast.

Burping Positions:

There are three easy to do burping positions

• Over the Shoulder: This is the most commonly used position when burping since it's the easiest to do. Put your baby in an upright position then pat his back gently. Make sure to support his head and neck. It would also be good to have a burping towel over your shoulder just in case he spits up.
• Sitting: As the name implies, you put your baby in a sitting position then gently rub his back until he burps.
• Over the Lap: Position your baby in a lying position with his back towards you. Lay him on your lap and gently tap his back until he burps. It would be more comfortable for baby if you place a pillow on your lap.

If you have done any of these positions and the baby still doesn't burp after a few minutes, maybe he doesn't need to burp so you need not worry.

Positions in Burping your baby

PHOTO SOURCE HERE

It's called... SYNECDOCHE, New York. You know, like the figure of speech. It's about a theatre director who tries to create a life-size (!) replica of New York City in a studio.

More good things:

1) It stars Philip Seymour Hoffman. Didn't see "Capote"? Go watch it. Now.

2) It is written and directed by Charlie Kaufman, who also wrote "Adaptation" and "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." I think a field trip is in order when this opens.

And, while trying to choose a poem to read for Friday, I started thinking about the role of belching in poems (see blog name). Mostly because I was considering reading A.R. Ammons's "He Held Radical Light," which ends as so:

he ate, / burped, said he was like any one / of us: demanded he / was like any one of us.

Does anyone else know poems that contain burping, belching, or anything else of the sort?

<3

BIANCA IS BEING GROUNDED FOR A YEAR AND THAT'S NOT FAIR BECAUSE I LOVE HER AND HER SISTER TOLD HER NO GIGS AND WHATEVER WHICH SUCKS COS IT'S WHAT MAKES HER HAPPY AND SO THEY ARE BAD PEOPLE WHICH THE WORLD SHOULD HATE.

parents should really just leave their kids the fuck alone sometimes. they're doing us more HARM than harm and that should have registered long ago.

anyways, evan says i talk about the same thing all the fucking time, so here's something new.

for the first time in my life since i was two years old, i BURPED by accident in the shower today. which is SERIOUSLY COOL.

okayy so i'm not abnormal. i just need to.. i don't know. stand the right way up, maybe. i'll go find my burping trigger and work it right, so next time i try chugging beer, i won't be afraid of feeling bloated after that. :]

burping

and i don't mean, taking a drink and doing it. or showing one's pleasure at a particularily delightful meal.  i mean swallowing air repeatedly and doing it.  he's damn near perfected this art in a small amount of time.  and i yell. i scream. i threaten. i explain. i roll my eyes. i sigh. but it still continues.  the one constant; however, is the continuity and persistence of which it exists.

so he pulled a couple of cards. yesterday.  and he was pissed. off. at his teacher (because apparently, she doesn't find his habit so charming). so our conversation went something like this:

me:  i warned you about doing this.  i've repeatedly asked you not to do it. do you understand that its rude?

cole: (shrugs) yeah == (swallows air) burp, burp, burp

me: HEAVY SIGH x 2

cole: (swallows air) burp, burp, burp, burp, burp

me: (slightly greatly increasing my volume and tone) STOP IT! THIS-IS-WHAT-I'M-TALKING-ABOUT! Its rude and not funny at all

cole: (giggle giggle giggle)

david: ooooh- cooooowle- you gonna git a spankin...

me: david, this is not your fight- go play with cars. cole, STOPIT STOPIT STOPIT!

cole: (hands in the air- very plaintively) ICAN'THELPITMOM! ICAN'T! ITJUSTHAPPENS! burp, burp, burp

me: are you telling me this is a medical condition? (hands on hips) are you saying that you're sickly and need to visit a doctor?  is that what this is?

cole: (large eyes, round mouth) ummmmm, no.

me: are you sure? because we can see a doctor if you need to.

cole: (wonder and excitement) WOW MOM! (by the way, these words read the same upside down) I'm cured!  SEE-ITS-NOT-HAPPENING-ANYMORE! I'M-NOT-SICK-AND-DON'T-NEED-A-SHOT.

miracles happen daily at my house...

Can you imagine?

MENDES' AND DIAZ'S SMELLY COMPETITION

Hollywood beauty EVA MENDES once challenged pal CAMERON DIAZ to a farting competition.

The Latina had travelled to Nepal with the Charlie's Angels star in 2005 to film a segment for Diaz's MTV documentary series, Trippin'.

And Mendes admits they had little to do while staying at their hotel, so they made up their own form of entertainment.

She recalls, "Cameron is a big old belcher, but I can't belch.

"One night I had a heavy dinner, so I combated her belching with something I could do. We were in side-by-side beds, so it was her disgusting bodily function versus mine.

"It was an Eva-Cameron fart-belch off."

Source

So which is the proper form for a man to look at his nails?

I am still burping.

And I really do burp without thought. If it's loud enough to potentially embarass or make uncomfortable the person nearby me or visiting, I usually say "[insert name here]! really! You're a guest in my home!" or something along the line of "you should remember yourself, we have guests!" Then they laugh, feel uncomfortable, and are less embarassed by my outage. Oh PS, I hate when people say "nice out!" when you burp. Like, what?

I'd like to end this post with an admission of correctness aimed at my parental units. I had joined been moved to a newly formed team at the ole place of employment - where we were all "new".  However, a runtier girl joined the team and I was on my first "conference call" with her. wait, can it be called that with just two people on it? Anyway, she was asking me for the 80th time about what I was up to "because I really have no idea what you do" (this was meant to sound flattering, like what I did was so complicated she just couldn't wrap her melon around it [hello, I wrote an inbox mailing and edited the horribleness that was my executive's outgoing emails][in addition to other arty thing, but the girl was artistic, so why the dumbing down? anyway.]. Where was I? Oh, right, I'm such an enigma. She's blathering away and suddenly, I let out a huge, lip shaking, curtain waving, stomach concaving BRAAAAAAAAAAAP....ph.

There was no warning. I did it directly into the phone. And I laughed like a tickled hyena into the phone. total. silence. from the other end. i said "[name of runt], I am so sorry! I didn't even know that was coming!" Still laughing because in my family we laugh at bodily functions. and come on, show me any executive that doesn't launch a toot symphony after cheap Chinese. We're all human. Some of us just have people to wipe our butts for us.

"it's... okaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy." Uptalk at the end. the call ended with her none the wiser and me happy to again be alone in my high ceiling upper east side apartment. Where my burps careened from wall to echoing wall in cavernous privacy.

Acid reflux natural cures here.

Over the counter remedies and prescription drugs for acid reflux and heartburn can be very expensive.

Imagine what it would be like to enjoy all the foods you love without the fear of pain or digestive problems. Don't believe it? My doctor was skeptical too until he had some of his patients try this simple Natural Home Remedy. Now he's a firm believer there really is a drug-free way.

Can heartburn or acid reflux or GERD be completely cured without taking drugs for the rest of a person's life life? Yes they can! And the solution is simple. Once you know how.

William Lagadyn has been involved in the health field for almost 23 years, researching acid reflux, Gerd and heartburn. What he has come up with is quite remarkable, especially if you've been searching for a fast drug-free, and all-natural solution for your digestive problems such as acid reflux, Gerd or heartburn.

William knows what people go through. He is himself a former sufferer of heartburn and reflux. He knows just how much it can interfere with your life. It doesn't matter whether people are suffering from burping, bloating, acid reflux, stomach problems, hoarseness, asthma-like symptoms, or chest pain...

These are only "temporary conditions" that the body is going through at this present time. It's not something people have to live with. Armed with the proper knowledge anyone can have the ability to control and completely eliminate these conditions. They're not diseases! They are conditions!

Over the last 23 years William has been helping people everywhere solve their Acid Reflux, Gerd, Heartburn, and other digestive problems without the use of harmful drugs, herbs, or some crazy diet that is impossible to follow for the rest of your life.

Acid reflux natural cures here.

Sweating can occur for many reasons. You can sweat when you're nervous, when you're writing or drawing and gripping your pen or pencil too hard, you can sweat when you've been exercising too hard, or when you have bad circulation. But there is nothing wrong with sweating. It may be frustrating and is something not everyone may do commonly. So don't feel embarrassed or frustrated if you have sweaty hands, feet, stomach,etc. Try to find out why you're sweating, and depending on the reason, do something to prevent it!

Burping isn't disgusting. No one can help doing it. Everyone burps, you just can't help it. OK, burping is revolting when you do it on purpose, loudly and horribly. But even if you do it loudly and horribly by accident then don't shout or run away, carry on doing what you are doing. Because burping is a thing that happens perfectly accidentally and unless you say pardon me, excuse me or do it on purpose, it's fine!

Farting now. No, don't laugh or snigger. Farting is just as common and ordinary as burping and sweating. So what is so embarrassing or  funny about it? Hmm? Because I don't see what's wrong with basically letting out air rather stinkily and loudly from your backside? If you thing I'm just writing all this because I might burp and fart and sweat quite alot, then I'll let you because I DON'T CARE. There's no reason why I  should be embarrassed to do them!

So now you've read this post I want you to think. If you are a person who does all these things, has this post made you feel better about doing them? Has this post made you change from thinking that farting is a thing of mirth? Just remember that even if you fancy yourself quite alot, or act like you think you're perfect, don't! Because everyone does these things and nobody's perfect!

On our way to MN for Thanksgiving we had a very Pitzian moment at a cheese shop.  Before I go any further with this story it is important to know that we have been struggling with Oscar and Alban in the burping department.  Oscar finds it incredibly humorous to burp.  So funny, in fact, that he 'fake burps' a lot and that brings the hammer down here at the house.  It is out of control and very age appropriate, unfortunately for us.  So here is the Pitzian moment in the cheese shop in Tomah, WI:

Ian:  Oscar! Stop scratching your bum with your lollipop!

Marsha (to Ian):  You know, it was heartwarming moments like this that I dreamed about when we decided to have children.  And now all my dreams have come true.

Ian (to Marsha): fake burp

Marsha and Ian:  fits of laughter.

Oscar and Alban:  What??? What??? Why are you laughing??

If someone asked me to sum up our family, I think I would send them that exchange.  That is us to the core.  And for that, I will always be thankful.

Attempts to find a diet for cattle that will result in less flatulence are being made by researchers as part of a government-backed project.

On the one hand, it's nice to see that it's not just us horrible, myopic humans that are destroying the environment: cows, too, are at least partially responsible for the impending Armageddon that cars, heavy manufacturing, and farting will inevitability usher in -- when's Al Gore going to start blaming cows for their hand (or rather, hoof) in global warming? On the other hand, people's tax dollars are paying for what?! 

The article continues:

The key to reducing the methane from livestock is, researchers believe, to make the diet of the cattle and sheep more easily digestible.

I wonder if they've tried corn-based ethanol? Of course, animal-rights activists are loving this, insisting that it's our own awful love for animal meat that's led to this crisis; the only solution is to abandon our (un?)natural, meat-eating ways and live in harmony with our animal brethren -- cows, pigs, and tse-tse flies.

My solution: eat more veal, and nip the problem in the bud.

Finally, with nowhere else to look, he set sail on a sea of spit-up for the magical land of Belch. Ever since its old mayor mysteriously vanished, the magical land of Belch was ruled by the evil Guido the Sea Gull, who spent his weekends filching french fries and terrorizing tourists at the Jersey shore. During the week, Guido would steal babies' burps and take them back to his neon palace of gaudiness, which was surrounded by a boardwalk moat and guarded by gibbering old ladies fused to slot machines. The old ladies would shoot quarters from the machines at any intruder who dared enter.

However, this baby wouldn't let anything get in the way of his quest for his lost burp. Unable to contain himself any longer, he let loose a giant stream of spit-up, which washed him up over the boardwalk, past the slot machine-armed old ladies, and into the center of Guido the Sea Gull's garish glowing lair. He snatched his burp from among a pile of Guido's gold medallions and ill-fitting toupees.

Before Guido could counterattack, the baby rocketed out the roof of the palace on the strength of a gigantic fart and landed back in his bedroom. His parents were none the wiser, and they all lived happily ever after. The end.

I find it odd that I need so much sleep lately -- I mean, your mom is getting slightly more than I do because she takes little naps throughout the day, and I used to go days without sleeping when I was growing up. First off, staying up late is part of being a teenager, and I was your average kid who stayed up 'til 2:00 or 4:00 every night watching tv. Still made it to schoolthe next day and repeated the process the next night. Did it for years! When I was in college I had a graveyard shift between two full days of classes, and so spent even moretime without sleep. Did it again when I was in grad school, until a couple years back when I got my first real adult-type hob. Then I got old.

Gettin' old is pretty cool -- you go to bed early, get up early, and you get to grumble about the "dern neighbors makin' noise at all hours of the night tryin' to get my peace and quiet little rest 'fore I get up and do work good work unlike some people with all the racket next door with their music racket I don't even know if I can call it music when all's it is is noise!" (Speaking of which, I just can't wait to tell you about the new next-door neighbors -- the Methingtons.) So for the past two years, I've been going to sleep at about 9:30.

Then you showed up.

Now we're up until ten o'clock, eleven, sometimes close to one in the morning. We're up all the time -- especially your mama, who's up feeding you every two or three hours -- even if we try to slep when you sleep it's aprocess in getting you to sleep in the first place. First we have to listen to you slowly wake up (that can take an hour), then we have to spend some quality time with you while you're awake (read: wiping poo, dodging pee), and then there's the feeding. If these feedings take place during the day, I'm more than willing to help, and Ialways try to be there even if the feedings take place at night.

It's the nighttime feedings the bring out the idiot in me, and I'll just give you the story the way your mom tells it. She says:

...Last night you were pissing me off. The Dude was crying and I told you to go take care of him, and you know what you did? You patted me on the back, and rubbed my arm and said: "shhhhhh.....shhhhhhh....it's ok.......shhhhhhh...." and then you fell asleep. I had to go take care ofthe Dude myself.

...Last night, I don't know what the hell you were doing, but when the baby started crying, you got up and started bundling the blankets together. Then you tried to put my arm in one of them and swaddle it. I had to look at you and say: 'I'm not the baby.' and you said: "I know. I was just checking something."

...Last night when the baby started crying I asked you to go take care of him. After a few minutes, the Little Dude wouldn't calm down, so I stepped out of the room to go see what was the matter. I went into his room and you weren't in there; I had to pick him up and comfort him. Know where you were? In the kitchen. Staring at the sink. I said: 'What the hell are you doing?' and you said: "Do you want to give him a bath or not?" I told you I didn't and you said: "Fine, whatever."

...Last night wheni was feeding Little Dude, I called for you to come help me with his mattress. He'd wet himself and it'd seeped onto his bed. You showed up with a pillow cradled in your arm as if it was the baby. And you must have caught yourself doing this because when you came into the room, you would only peek your head around the door. But I could see the pillow, and I heard you talking to the pillow when you were carrying it around anyway.

Oh, your mama's a funny lady. She sees the comedy in even the darkest situations. And I just know she's telliing everyone these stories, but I have no way to defend myself. I'm obviously doing these things (and she really cught me on the pillow thing -- I was cradling a pillow, thinking it was you), but I think I've got an excellent reason for my behavior: It's the baby moniitor's fault.

The baby monitor in your room links up to a speaker in our room. Every time you grunt or fuss, every time you roll over in your sleep, every little breath you take (as Sting might say) comes through to our room. I hear everything you do, and so when you start crying, my instinct is to shush, to pat, to cradle, because as far as I can tell -- you're right there with us. I'm actually trying to help.

The only way it could truly get worse is if I try to change your mama's diaper with the bedding, or if I throw her over my shoulder and pat her on the back cooing: "Gimme a B, Gimme a U, Gimme a U-U-U-R-P. What's that spell? BUUUURP!"