A lot's happened and I guess I'm feeling too weird to really blog much. Justice loves me and I'm not so blindingly obsessed with him that I have to be in love with him too. When you think hard about it and decide that you'd leave if it turned sour you know it's love. That's how I decided. So yes, I'm in love with Justice and I'm in love with the idea of being with him. So that is that.

I wrote my Uncle a note and handed it to him while he was still in the casket. The church was kinda hot so he didn't have that strange corpse-y coldness that doesn't make you cold so much as take away your heat. It made sense because Uncle Glen never took anything from nobody when he was alive, so why would he do it after he died?

He was buried on the oil field, with an oil drill on his headstone, and that was that. An Oklahoma funeral in a nutshell.

Destinee and I made up, although I guess we never made down, or what have you. I had just assumed that she outgrew me, had the fun heartbreak you only get from being ditched by a best friend, and now we're in our 20's and I'm going to visit as soon as I can.

So that's my life right now. You know about as much as I do.

If you ever get stuck in a bad traffic situation, such as, but not limited to: driving around with a bad plate, driving around with a special plate like "POGI" which the killjoy General Razon has banned, crashing into something and/or someone, getting ticketed, and license issues, contact Manny M. Meneses. MMM for short.

This super dude is super.

Here are his pictures:

He's very photogenic. I'm very proud of him. Promising, eh?

His favorite color: Yellowish Green. Like that of the traffic light.
His favorite sound: Angry beep beeps from the cars behind.
His most striking feature: Expressive eyes.
His shirt says: "Kiss the windshield"
His motto in life: "An inch ahead of the car next lane makes Jack an awesome driver."

*Peace, Man*

In honor of Nazreth's last day, I made two cupcake recipes from Julie Hasson's 125 best Cupcake recipes. (I took the boys to the library the other day and found myself in the cookbook section.) I wanted to make Nazreth something really yummy. I know she used to drink a lot of coffee and sort of had to wean herself down to one cup each day, so I thought the Malted Espresso Cupcakes would be a special treat. I like malt powder, but have never had it mixed with espresso or coffee. Julie assures "they are an exceptional duo." I figured why not! Because I wanted a backup in case she hated my first choice, I chose the Best Chocolate Cupcakes. Since the boys were in need of a bedtime snack, I knew this would be a winner with them at the very least.

One thing that I really like about Julie Hasson's cupcake recipes are that they are small batches - most are for 12 which is the perfect number because I will only end up eating about 6 if I make 12 rather than 12 of 24. I also like that her recipes are about whisking in things (flour mixtures get whisked into the main batter in three segments and the liquid mixture gets whisked into the batter in two segments). I have NEVER had such beautiful batters. That sounds really weird, but I can't help it because it is true.

As any good baker, I had to test the batter prior to baking. The Malted Espresso Cupcake was interesting, but not dazzling. While the cupcakes cooled, I made her buttercream frosting recipe and halved it - left half plain and added some espresso to the other half for the Malted Espresso Cupcakes. The boys confirmed my suspicions - the chocolate cupcakes were terrific and we agreed brownie like. (I even baked them about two minutes too long and they were still great.) Troy had his cupcake topped with frosting paired with a frosting squirt straight from the bag into his mouth. Jack doesn't like frosting much, but he tested the frosting and decided he'd have a squirt on his cupcake as well.

Once the boys were settled, I decided to frost the Malted Espresso Cupcakes with my espresso buttercream frosting. OMG were they AWESOME!!! I couldn't believe it! The malt and the espresso ARE the perfect combination! My camera batteries are charging, so I'll take a picture in the morning.

Speaking of cupcakes, I've lost 12 of my 16 pounds I'd set out for. I've remained stable for several weeks now at the 12 pound mark, and I can't deny it anymore. The last 4 pounds are going to require MORE exercise. I increased my exercise initially by walking from the commuter lot at work. I park 1.13 miles away from my car. (Imagine I said we would never use the GPS!) I also used WeightWatchers.com to get my eating back in check. I am very happy that after about 6 weeks of tracking EVERYTHING I ate, I no longer have to use the points to calculate AND best of all, I am not constantly hungry!!

Speaking of exercise, I had coffee with a friend from MN. Peggy was in town because she is a driver for some friends who are doing RAGBRAI. (For those of you not in the IA know, RAGBRAI is the longest, largest and oldest touring bike ride in the world thanks to the Des Moines Register (newspaper). Thus, Register's Annual Great Bicycle Ride Across Iowa.) It is huge, annoying for traffic, motivational and cool all at the same time. You can do the whole ride from the western IA to eastern IA over 6 or 7 days OR you can do one leg or part of a leg. It makes me want to not mind a sore butt to bike next summer.

At any rate, Peggy and I were able to catch up, something we haven't done for a very long time.

Today was my last day of nap time. My time of peace and quiet in the middle of the day will come to an end.  Marley rarely naps anymore, but in an effort to retain my sanity and boost his self-control he would still have "rest" time. He gets toys and books and would play quietly in our guest room. I had started letting him come down earlier so we could read together, but it would always turn into him waking up one of the other boys. Now we have hit the end of the road.

His first day of speech therapy was today. Again, another amazing day. This first child of mine never ceases to amaze me. He is now able to say a "k" sound. Last time he could say it at the end of words. Now he is saying it at the beginning. Missy was letting him have m&ms as a reward, but all he wanted was to hug me. It really almost brought tears to my eyes every time he turned to get that big hug from me.

So, I am putting nap times to rest. It will our time to work together on his speech. He is so excited to "graduate" from rest and get an hour of Marley and Mama time. While I am sad that my reprieve during the day will be gone, I am happy to have this time with Marley. It will definitely be something special for both of us.

telephone

Originally uploaded by d e b b i e

Am I the only one who can't sit still while I'm gabbing on the telephone?

Like tonight, my good friend Sue called. We live four hours apart and have only hung out a few times since we met a mere two years ago, but we bonded immediately for many reasons, not the least of which is that we totally crack each other up!

So, Sue calls, and it's, like, prime witching hour at our house. Dad's trying to put the three-year-old in the bath, and his older brothers are on their eleventeenth hour of video games / TV / whatever animated evil comes from laissez-faire parenting. Other kids are showing up. The cat is yeowling. Just another night in our house.

"Are you cleaning up dinner?" Sue asked. Sue has forgotten about what happens in households at 8:00 p.m. because her boys are older.

"Nah, we did takeout - Subway and Taco Hell Bell. There was no cleaning up - there was only throwing away."

"Us too - Boston Market!"

You see how much we have in common?

There are five male offspring between the two of us, and the oldest four are pretty close in age. This gives us much to brag about, or commiserate about, depending on the day. Goodness knows, it gives me plenty to blog about.

Sue had called to discuss how much she had identified with a couple of my recent blog posts (especially this one). She claims to know a little something about squalor, but until I see photographic evidence, I still claim the title of Squalor Queen. (Is it just me, or does "Squalor Queen" sound like a brand of vacuum cleaner from the 1950s?)

So, I'm talking to Sue, and as misfortune luck would have it, I had answered the call on our one and only WALL PHONE. (Kids, it's like the one pictured above, except it's attached to the wall, and the cord is longer. And, it doesn't have a DIAL, it has a button for each digit. Shut up and ask your parents.) Anyway, there I was, in my basement, tethered to the wall, with a range of only so far. I figured, while we chat, I can make good use of this time! I cleaned out the (nasty-ass!) cat litter box, which had been neglected, apparently for days. (Aside: Don't believe the hype about Arm & Hammer "High Performance" Clumping Litter - we have one cat, and this stuff is the EXACT OPPOSITE of what they promise here. Maybe my cat's just mutant, but seriously, I'll never buy it again. Their Super Scoop stuff is worlds better.)

The only other thing I could reach from my telephone tether was the ironing board, which in my house would be more aptly called the resting place for many pieces of wrinkly clothing that, if it doesn't get ironed soon, can just be packed away and worn again next year. Assuming that by then I haven't regained all the weight I lost earlier this year. But, there I was, and Sue was all blah blah blah, so I turned on the iron and reclaimed a newish summery top.

"Sue," I said, "I really want to thank you for calling. Because of you, I took a moment to iron a top that I might not have worn again for the rest of the summer -- but thanks to you, I now have a new wardrobe item!"

Because after all - what are friends for?

Of course, the phone cord does reach to the toilet, too. But I didn't, um, go there.

I thoroughly appreciate the gesture.  Now knock it off!

Carol delivered her two boys to the Encampment thus:

Bubble Wrap Boy in the Matrix.

Super Bubble Wrap Boys.

I assure you, neither of them live bubble wrapped lives.  Thom would not allow it.

S. has finished school for the year and he's tired. Tired enough to be cheeky and hard to get along with. He's a good person, sweet and kind and thoughtful but like most of us, he's not fun to be around when he's exhausted.

For the past few days, he's been pressing buttons with me until I end up feeling furious. Not just a bit annoyed or upset but beside myself with anger. I start off being very reasonable, I always let them know when they're reaching a boundary. I want them not to be surprised by big outbursts of anger so when I feel myself getting angry, I tell them. Then I try and find a way to avert it while still sticking to my guns about whatever it is I've asked them to do. Sometimes I lose my temper and that's okay, I'm human and I figure it won't hurt them to know it.

Tonight before the bath, I explained to S. that even though there's no school tomorrow, he needed to go to bed at a reasonable time so he could get a proper sleep, since he stayed up late last night. He took it well, we did the bath, read books, put Z. to bed and then I settled down to tell S. a story. I reminded him again that he wouldn't be coming downstairs and invited him to snuggle up.

He started having a tantrum. Z. woke up and started to cry, I calmed him and spoke to S., who wasn't listening but was working himself up into a hard-done-by fury. I knew he was tired, so I just hugged him and led him to bed, telling him gently but very firmly that it was time for bed and he needed to stop now.

He didn't. He freaked out and suddenly, just like that, I turned into my mother. I don't mean my friend, the person I can talk to about anything in the world, I mean the woman she was when I was a child. Post-natally depressed and shrieking.

I yelled, I shouted, I worked myself up into a towering rage and I said things to my little boy that I regret. He cried and I became cold and distant. I wished him goodnight, hugged him perfunctorily, and came downstairs to ring my Mum, feeling dreadful already and forgetting she was away.

Dad answered the phone. He's good my Dad but he isn't what I needed just then, he's too attached to advice-giving and the need to be right to be able to listen to me properly at times like this. I listened to what he had to say and then said goodbye.

Then A. rang. He's good too but again he wants to present me with solutions and I just wanted to lie down and weep.

I don't want to live in a house full of anger and freaking out. I don't mean that I want things to be controlled and bland, just that I don't want this. I don't want to teach my kids that the way to deal with things is to become enraged, or cold and distant and I don't want to be on the receiving end of those teachings when they're teenagers and adults.

I went back up to hug him and he'd fallen asleep, his pillow wet with tears and it made me cry harder than before.

I can't be objective about this stuff tonight. I feel as though I've failed myself and my boys.

Tomorrow will be better, things usually are with a bit of perspective but tonight I'm worn out and I need a cup of tea.

Er, well, yes, it is a bit of a problem as I work Monday through Friday full time, as I'm sure he would have realised if he'd put his brain in. I have no objection to him coming over in the week but am reluctant to take time off only for him not to turn up. Which will most likely be the case.

So, although I would love to get my hands on Tall Guy's athletics limbs once more, I'm not sure it's a good investement. For all the time and effort I'll have to put in just to organise a damn date probably won't be worth the investment. I just can't be bothered. It will never turn into a relationship and one night/two night/three night stands are more effort than pleasure.

But, apart from Tall Guy, there are no other guys on the scene. Not one. Not one single love interest, small crush or regular flirtation. I need to get hunting for a new victim!

Here we have a nice stack of 15-20 plastic cups playing the role of bazookas.

He was. Duh.
But he was really compliant about it. Usually there's some schedule-wrangling that needs to happen because our jobs have bizarre and conflicting time frames, but he was perfectly content to let me make the calls.

Anyway...after...stuff...last night, I was about ready to pass out, but Fance was still awake so he told me he was going to go watch SportsCenter for an hour and then join me. But before he left, he leaned towards me, cupped my face in his hand and kissed me.
Softly.
Boyfriendly.
Because shit like this doesn't happen with someone you are just sleeping with.

I suppose I shouldn't over analyze it too much, but what the eff? Don't get me wrong, I LOVE shit like that, because I am a big retardo sap who cries at rom-coms. But I worry that stuff like this may be tampering with our FWB dynamic, and I don't want to get attached to someone I have no future with. Or maybe I should stop bitching about shit I actually like.

Also! Miss Roommate and myself are having "Britney Spears '07 Night" at our house. This means short denim shorts, trashy shirts, dirty hair, cowboy boots, frappuccinos, and cheetos. It may also involve a power hour. And will definitely involve a lot of trashy reality TV. I can't WAIT.

Although it was a little different, I must say that it was quite comforting to actually have a beer with a friend, be surrounded by a bunch of men and not get hit on by some drunk annoying straight man with a cheesy pickup line! For the first time I was able to dance with a man, not feel pressured or care what I looked like or what he thought of me. I actually had a good time!

As the night progressed and the beers kept coming I eyed this one stripper, and decided I am going to do it I am going to stuff a dollar down his pants. As I stuffed the dollar bill or five in his pants I figured out he was digging me! Not hard to tell. We began to innocently flirt the duration of the night and before the the his shift was over  we talked for a few and exchanged numbers. I was amazed, because first of all I was not looking to meet someone and more importantly because who would think out of all places that I would be getting a guys number at an all male club.

He seemed like a nice guy, he was a stripper by night and had a job in the medical field during the day.He text me that same night  telling me that he got home safely and it was nice chatting and meeting but I am a little hesitant about calling him, because first of all he is a stripper and second of all he IS a stripper !

This goes to my first post of attracting the wrong men. I may not know much about dating and am definitely not one to judge a person based on his or her lifestyle, but my common sense is telling me a stripper is a bad idea. I don't know what do you think? I mean I was not looking for it and once again this lands on my lap.(literally speaking)

I was thinking earlier this afternoon, "what is it that I actually want?"

The first word that popped into my head was: simplicity.

Truly, that is what I want. But I'm slowly beginning to think that maybe the problem is me?

I remember over the past few years, there would be guys who would approach me about starting a relationship or just going out for coffee or dancing. There really weren't any who caught my eye, and so I would call my mom and laugh over the attention and then stress about having to break the poor man's heart. I was never cruel, thankfully (I think that would be enough regret to fill me for the rest of my life), and I always operated under the "sooner rather than later" mantra, meaning I would be sure, especially if I knew we would be nothing more than friends, to make sure that he knew that soon. I remember in various conversations, especially about one man, lamenting to my mom the horrible timing that they had. Eventually, though, I realized that there were many situations where it was my timing that was off, not his. And now I am beginning to realize that situations aren't complicated because they're complicated; often they are complicated because I make them so.

It is an unsettling realization, especially as I have become contented to believe that complication has nothing to do with me... Oh well...

(I don't know why I'm noticing this summer how many more dishes we use than when the boys are home all day long. I probably thought the same thing last summer, too.  They keep trying to come up with ideas of how to get around having to run it so often.  I keep telling them that if they want to stop eating (and dirtying dishes), that would be OK with me).

Last night, while Mark and I were savoring our ice cream (the boys had crammed their cookies in their mouths and bolted), Joe was examining the dishwasher (prior to pulling it open and starting to empty his half).

Joe: When you guys run the dishwasher do you just push Smart Wash?

Mom: Yup.  Push Smart wash and then Start.  Or sometimes we push the Delay button if we want it to start later.  Pretty easy, but I don't know that you guys could handle it.

Dad: Yeah, I don't think you are capable.

Joe and Will: Yes, we can.  We can do that.  That's easy.

Mom and Dad give each other the League of Parents look.

Crickets.  The truth dawns on the boys.

Joe and Will: No!  Wait!  We can't do it!

Dad: Too late.  I think you guys have a new job.

Adam's story is more complex! His speech delay has always been to the extreme. He's also developmentally delayed in a lot of other areas like oral motor and fine motor skills. We took him last year to see a neurologist since he displayed odd behaviors that kept getting worse. He's always had these behaviors but we brushed it off as "he'll grow out of it, it's just a phase." We were wrong. So, when he saw the neuro. they could not give an exact diagnosis. He showed certain signs of high functioning Autism yet he could not be diagnosed as Autistic. There's such a broad spectrum of symptoms. He was however diagnosed with having ADD and OCD. Apraxia and thought processing disorder have also been talked about. He's had periods of stuttering as well.

Needless to say, that's a lot to deal with! Just the OCD alone is quite frustrating! He has what I call "meltdowns." When these occur he gets very angry, yet at the same time tears pour out of his eyes. It's like he's frustrated with himself for doing it, but doesn't know how to stop. Anything can set these tangents off. If someone says something that he doesn't understand or if he missed out on doing something, he has to repeat it in the exact order of which it happened. He shows OCD in little things too...like the other day when I was giving him some crackers there had to be eight of them. When he was done and wanted more, there had to be exactly eight again. Have you ever seen the show MONK?

Anyways, we're always worried that he'll have a meltdown in front of someone. I know how judgemental people can be. It may sound silly to be worried about something like that, but unless you've lived it you don't know how embarrassing it can be. It's hard to know what kind of disciplinary actions to take when there are so many different disorders involved. Again...very frustrating.

It's also concerning to me that he can sound a little babyish when he talks. Some kids, unfortunatly have already pointed that out to him. But so far he seems to be pretty resilient. I know kids can be cruel and it just gets worse the older they get. He still needs some more tests done. I would like to find a pediatrician who specializes in developmental disorders. (if anyone knows of any please let me know) I know the potential he has because he's very smart and VERY outgoing! :) He loves people! He has a lot of obstacles to overcome but I know he can be anything he wants to (which is currently a Marine Biologist by the way)

If you made it this far...you got a look into some of what I deal with on a daily basis. I know there are people out there who are dealing with A LOT worse though. I just felt like writing about it...it's nice to vent a little.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings. :)

I KNOW. If I could take it back, I would. Why doesn't texting offer Nordstrom's return policy? They take back everything, worn, battered, and ruined.

Last night, I was thinking (and by thinking I don't mean using my better judgment) GOOD IDEA, and this morning I am am thinking CAN I TAKE IT BACK?

Living before the text was so much more satisfying, so much more he doesn't deserve me.

Post text living is a little more Seriously, Pretending, what the hell are you doing?

Want to know what I said?

"We both royally fucked that up."

Can I please take it back? I have proof of purchase. It hasn't even been 24 hours, let alone 30 days.

Sheesh. Talk about a mean case of buyer's remorse.

Bed of Roses - this one is long but worth it, he sings the whole song, perhaps not on key but he does get some harmony in there ha ha.  I think this is what we get for singing in harmony to him all of the time.  He thinks any note is ok.  He also puts a lot of emotion into it in the end..a ha.  He's been listening to this song as he falls asleep lately.

All My Loving - this Beatles song is a favorite of his.  It's really short too.

You are My Sunshine - *sigh* another short one...worth the watch.

I'm actually not going to put them here...I'm scared it'll slow the page down too much.  Please check them out though...he's a darling singer.

It means so much to me that he LOVES music.  Music was my life for a VERY long time as some of you might know.  I have 8 years of classical music under my belt.  I've had the privilege of touring Germany and Cuba because of music.  I met Brent through choir and got to tour Germany with him and the great Tony Funk.  I've gotten to sing with Brian Doerkson at church a few times which is kinda neato...he didn't "discover" me, though, and turn me into the next Christian pop sensation lol.  He's the one who wrote "Holy God" and Lucas makes Leanne play it 800 times a day...he he he he.  Anyway, it has been a big confidence builder in me.  Although I still seem to be scared of the phone but I'll sing Ave Maria in front of a bunch of people no problemo.

Anyway, I could go on and on about how much music has been a part of my life.  It was a massive confidence booster for me.  I might even try out for Canadian Idol next yr...just for kicks.  I just hope that if Silas chooses music as his "thing" that he'll get to experience even more things than I got to.  He's got SO many musicians around him.  My husband is a great singer and guitar player...yes he's in an 80's metal cover band and I promise they sound JUST like the bands they cover...it's amazing.  His Auntie Leanne is a master piano player, his mommy is a singer, my mom is a clarinet player/teacher and all of his relatives on my husband's side can sing harmony like it's breathing.  They all seem to be singers.  Mark plays piano and I think Brent's dad Gord knows a few instruments but HE'LL NEVER PLAY THEM FOR ME!!  I think it would enhance Christmas...wouldn't you?

Anyway.  Music music music.  How blessed are my boys to have such a circle around them??  Isaac is really enjoying music too but hasn't gotten the same connection as Silas has had.  From birth, Silas would stop crying if we sung to him.  Ikey just wanted bouncing.  But he tries to sing along to some songs and definitely shows his excitement when he likes a song.  Oooooo I need to have a few more musical babies and they can be the next Jonas brothers ha ha ha.  *sigh

K I'm done bragging now....love ya'll