Fellas, we have a serious problem. Contrary to popular belief or what your older brother Tony still has you believing, the days of getting the green light to the vagina highway simply because you have cool hair, a thick wallet, or a Tommy Lee sized-penis are over (although the latter still helps). In other words, chicks want more from us these days and we’re literally losing our touch because of it. Of course, most of you can’t fathom what more could possibly be needed to obtain a face full of va-jay-jay from Miss Right (or at least Miss Right Now). And while there are many avenues you can drive your blame-mobiles down in an effort to find the source of this pussy-protection epidemic (I’d start with Oprah), I’m going to save you a drive by taking you down a street that most of you have never driven. It’s a street where who you know, what you know, and how you know it doesn’t mean shit. On this street, size does matter—but not when it comes to your Johnson, bank account, or your ride. On this street, it’s the size of your ears that matter.

Why “ears”, you ask?

Because today, the key to getting any girl you could possibly want is to just listen to her—the one thing we’ve neglected to do for years simply because, well, we have dicks.

Now, before you go believing that you have the whole “listening” thing already covered, playa, just slow your roll. If you think you’re money just because you banged Tina the Shell Gas girl on the hood of your Corolla last night between her complaints about her convict ex- boyfriend and her cigarette break, you’re sadly mistaken. Some chicks don’t want to be listened to—some chicks just want to fuck. And Tina just wants to fuck. The girls that need our big ears are the A+ plus girls, the hot & classy ones, the potentially “out of my league” ladies. “But dude,” you say, “Any schmuck can listen.” And to that, I say you’re right. You see, this is a three step process. So you’ve got to do more than just listen, you’ve got to do something with that information. But before you do something with that information—and this is going to suck to hear—you’re going to have to learn to think like her, too. Calm down. I know it’s confusing, so let me explain.

For example, what do you do if a smokin’ hot piece of ass tells you that her longtime pet fish, Wilbur, just died? Well, for one, what you don’t do is stay focused on fishing for her vagina. Or at least don’t let her know it. Instead, focus on what she would do if this had happened to her best girlfriend. Think like her, fellas. What would she do? She would find the nearest pet shop, pay $5.99 for a new fish and bowl, and tape a note to it that simply says “While I know that Wilbur can’t be replaced, here’s someone that will keep you company until you feel better. P.S. I’ve banned my personal consumption of seafood for eternity.” The last step, the delivering of the fish, is what I call the follow through, the part that seals the deal. It almost seems to easy right?

Easy, yes. But sincere? Let’s be honest, it probably isn’t for most of you dudes. The majority of you reading this just want to get in her pants, which makes you a typical asshole. But, for many of you Captain Sensitive’s out there, it just might be genuine. And rest assured, just listening to her doesn’t always have to be used for instant pussy-getting gratification. For me, It’s worked in a variety of ways. In one of my most infamous cases, what started with “Hi, I’m gonna listen to you and then I’m gonna bang you,” quickly changed to “Hi, I’m gonna listen to you and then I’m gonna ask you to be my girlfriend.” Yeah, it’s quite powerful and if you’re not careful, it can turn you into a pussy if you don’t know what you’re doing.
So you can really understand, let me tell you about this classic just listen to her moment...

One of my best friends, Sammy, is gay. Sammy often refers to me as a “nebbishy, nerdy, small-town Jewish guy.” Now, while I am Jewish and don’t necessarily like to think of myself as Sammy described, let’s go with it so you can appreciate what I’ve accomplished simply by listening.

Unbeknownst to most heterosexual men, one genius aspect to having a gay best friend is that their girlfriends are always the hottest, coolest chicks on the planet because they know their gay friend is never going to try to bang them. And I’m not just talking “cute” girls here. I’m talking HOT. I’m talking centerfold, spread your legs, show the world your vagina, jerk off too, hot. In fact, one of Sammy’s girlfriends, 25 year-old Rona, who I met one memorable night at a bar in West Hollywood, literally was a centerfold. She was hands down one of God’s greatest creations. She literally was 5'7, 110 pounds and looked more like Angelina Jolie than Angelina MaFuckin’ Jolie. Her toes were perfect, her mouth was perfect, her teeth were brilliant and her tits were so fake and so wonderful that you would literally consider trading a year of your life for one night of slapping your salami right between them. Thank God for Sammy, because she probably wouldn’t give me the time of day if it wasn’t for our mutual friend. 

Rona turned heads wherever she walked–and somehow, that night, turned a corner right into me as I was leaving the restroom. Nervously, I said hello and we ended up talking and walking on the way up to the bar. I literally had “walk wood”–which is awful. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, imagine being an adult and walking around with a hard-on... in the middle of a bar. It’s not cool.

Thankfully, the bar was busy, which gave Rona and I a minute to talk, but more importantly, it gave me a minute to listen. Knowing that my just listen to her moment was limited, I asked her anything I could think of that would possibly give me something to connect with her on. Something that I could hear now, and bring up later that would make her know that I was paying attention–but ultimately put me eye level with her vertical taco.  In that short time, I learned that Rona was from Hawaii, lived in Japan, modeled in London, had two dogs named Misha & Marley, loved Red Lobster (who the fuck knows why), banned guys from her life that used the word whore, and didn’t drink until three years ago because she always just sipped on Shirley Temples with yellow umbrellas. Apparently Shirley Temples reminded Rona of the “good times she had as a little girl.” And now, they reminded me that I had a place to start. All because I asked and listened. I paid for both our Vodka-Sodas (a must if you have any plans of reaching the promised land) and we headed back to our group.

For the next twenty minutes, I purposely didn’t say a word to Rona. I didn’t stand near her and hardly even looked her way because she was the longest shot of my life and I didn’t want to be that overbearing dude. I hate that dude. But, just listening to her is all about planning, and I did have a plan. When I did look her way, I was looking at her glass, monitoring her every sip as she drank her way to the bottom of the cocktail. She was drinking quickly and I was thinking quickly. And, jussssst as she took that last sip , I took off for the bar, where I ordered two more Vodka-Sodas, as well as one Shirley Temple...with a yellow umbrella, of course (Remember step 2...Thinking Like Her).

Let me simply say , what happened after handing her that Shirley Temple and simply saying, “How about we remember the good times tonight," you WONT BELIEVE.

Come back TOMORROW to thesexdude.com to read it with your own eyes....

To a real dude, it says, "If I don't unzip your pants, and give you head, I might literally die. Don't make me munch on my filthy lesbian girlfriends disgusting pussy one more day, I beg of you." 

Speaking of girls who you'd want to give you head--I'd put Jodie Marsh (below) on top of that list. Honestly, I dont know who she is, or what she does--but I have a pretty good clue.

Some would say that without teeth one could do a better blowjob. Well that's just stupid. Go on and fuck seniors if that's what you like but I think the teeth are part of the challenge of a good BJ.

Am I gonna get my dick bitten because I'm not treating this bitch right? Part of the challenge.

Am I gonna end up with that spinach crumb she had on her teeth? Part of the challenge.

Am I gonna end up cumming in her eye? Part of another challenge.

Without teeth any girl (or guy if that's what you like) would be a great blower. The teeth makes the girl a good or an horrible blood sucking blower. That's how we know.

The blowjob is the only thing separating us from the animals so please don't ruin my prostitute by breaking off her teeth. That's all I wanted to say. Please tell your friends so they can tell their pimps.

Guy Offensive

Pero yo como soy amante del más difícil todavía...os traigo el FROGJOB!!! (absténgase la gente sensible)

the image of one cock slamming my pussy hard and long while i'm sucking on another cock does make me moist, but what can i say, i can only have sex with one person at any given time...and if you've been following my blogs, you already know how hard it is for me to find one good cock to play with. where the heck would i find two men enough to satisfy me and to play nicely together with me?!do the guys kiss and play with each other as well? what the heck is double-balling? i mean i can barely get one dick up me, how does any girl fit two? can a woman really take it up the butt and up the pussy at the same time? ouch! i think about this and cringe because i just feel like the girl ends up looking like a pretzel and then stretched out in ways i can't imagine to be a good thing, especially cuz i actually enjoy my pussy being so tight and taut for my one and only lover's big cock to enjoy as he will...oh, and believe me, he will.

then the image of being with a man and another woman is intriguing, but i'm just not interested in eating pussy. i've kissed 3 women in my life and 2 were for charity (i'll save the details for another blog). let's just say kissing is as far as we went and as far as i'll ever go. i love love love cock too much to go for pussy, the only dripping wet pussy i want to play with is my own, sorry guys (the ones with the two girls fucking you fantasies---can't help you there!).  i wouldn't know who i'd even ask to join me in a threesome. you want someone you trust, but you don't want to ask a friend cuz if it goes awfully, say "bye-bye" to your friendship, and then again, i wouldn't want to ask a perfect stranger nor get a prostitute to join you ---i just wouldn't be comfortable thinking she's probably a better lover than me, since she is the "professional." then i thought maybe a couple i'd never see again, but then i think i'd feel really intimidated because the couple already knows what each other likes and doesn't like, so i'd either feel like a third wheel or suddenly turn into their new human sex toy...and we all know what happens to any shiny new toy eventually, no matter how fucking hot and fun the new toy is. ;) and to be honest, i think a little competitiveness in me would kick in, and i might accidentally end up pushing the other girl off the bed to get to my man, so that could get ugly. ;)

so the concept of threesomes are a little kinky and dirty, and when i hear a friend telling me about it, i'm the first to tell her, "you go, girl!" and ask her for full details, but for me, it just ain't my thing! i like it one on one, done right, done in every which way, done long and good all night long. :P

   
Sexy Amy and the boyfriend having funnnn while recoding 4 videos. blowjob, facil, anal... anything amy wouldn’t do? chek out the videos.

dwnld-1 (2vids)   dwnld-2 (2vids)

This dude is Martyn Mendelsohn--an Australian plastic surgeon.

He had some chick in his office "after hours" for a nosejob consultation. The chick blew him, and then he gave her the nosejob.

Dr. Marty admitted that he didn't try to stop her--but the biatch pressed charges on him after it was done. It's all very confusing.

I don't see the problem, though, with a pre-surgery hummer. Is that frowned upon? You can read more here if you're really that into it. And, if someone can get me a picture of the chick whose mouth was a pre-surgical receptacle for the doc--I would be forever grateful.

Against the law or not, if THIS chick, below, wanted to blow me in the plastic-surgery office, you better believe I'm gonna let her. And, I'll even go pooper on her...with some laughing gas.  Just to say I went pooper on Kim Kardashian.

But, what if she wanted you to cum on her tits? You won't believe what I did when she asked me to do that..

Now fellas, normally a text message that simply says, "I want you to cum on my tits" is everything that we, as dudes, dream about. I mean, sure we dream about tea-bagging Lindsay Lohan while her disgusting Lesbian girlfriend, who we've handcuffed to the bed post, is made to watch in agony--but a text message like that is still pretty high up there.  

Of course, not when it comes from "Gonorrhea Girl."

Yup, the big tittied, disaster of a chick who blamed me for giving her a filthy, dirty STD, which, as I found out, she got from sucking some random dicks, sent me a booty-text on Friday night. And it wasn't even during appropriate booty-text hours. It was at 9PM--and I was sober. Normally, I'd of had to been Tara Reid deep into a bottle of Grey Goose to consider this...but then I thought, "wait a second--this bitch owes me a landing pad for an ejaculation." And, aside from her previous "yellow discharge," she does have larger than life tits--and, for the most part, a very limber jaw.

So, I thought...and thought...and thought...and then my neurotic, germaphobic, OCD thinking  started to kick in: What if she still had some Gonorrhea lingering around...What if she was never fully treated...Whose dick did she smoke last night...What if her vajazz has been abused lately like Phelps abused his competitors?

What if I'm not as lucky this time..?   

And then I texted her back with two words: hot tub.

Yup, Gonorrhea Girl lives in my building. Thank the Lord it's opposite ends of the building--but nevertheless, still in my building.

9 minutes later I met her in the hot tub. I hadn't seen or talked to her since "Gonorrhea-Gate '08."

Of course, all dudes out there have been in this situation.  You know what I'm talking about..thinking with our dicks--not remembering the misery she put us through--all with the hope that 4 minutes later we'll have blown our load and be back watching Olympic Water Polo with a grilled cheese and a Vitamin water. Well, that's my hope. And, if you think I thought about her feelings that will occur post-dick milking, you're wrong. And, in my head, that's the mystery of  us dudes. We just don't give a fuck about a booty-calls feelings. We don't think about them before, we don't think about them after. And for the most part--I doubt that they do either. That's why they're booty calls. And, after a chick accuses you of giving her an STD--I especially won't think of her feelings. Fuck, I barely remembered her name. But, what I did remember were those mammaries..

And, there they were. Hot-tub, all black bikini, skinny Kim Kardashian looking...staring at me with images of semen dancing in her head.

But, then my neurosis kicked in again.

Why the fuck would I ask her to come to the hot tub? Rolling around in your own poop is probably more sanitary than a hot tub. If there's one place on earth that's notorius for being a bacteria trap, it's the hot tub. Straight, Gay, Black, White, Chinese, American--we all fuck in the hot tub. And let me tell you, the imaginary person who we never see cleaning those motherfuckers...is exactly that. Imaginary. There's more potential babies swimming around that water than on the tip of Tommy Lee's schvantz.

Anyway--within 22 seconds of entering the tub, I was once again making out with Gonorrhea girl. Yeah, funny how all thoughts of her blowing some other guy and getting a Dixie cup of Gonorrhea shot down her throat gets thrown out the door when you know your nuts are next. And, you could tell that she knew what her job was on this night--and that was to try and gain some respect back from yours truly. Not gain self-respect back. Just respect from me. This chick was grabbing, stroking, beating, and squeezing my pole in a way that she had never done before.

Midway through I start asking myself if I should even touch her vajazz..I didn't really want to--a guy like me can forget about a lot--but when it comes to a dirty pussy, that's serious business. It was a dilemma. And, to make things worse, she's totally nude now. All I can think about is if and how I can get away with out entering her Gonorrhea zone. I just couldn't do it.

 Somehow in my mind though, I kind of related the hot tub to a shower. Hot water + Dirty Beaver maybe somehow = clean pussy? Uhhh...still dont think so. So, what did I do?

I stuck my pinky in her ass.

Yup, you read it right. Right in her pooper. I don't know why, don't know how..I don't know anything. And even more bizarre is that the ass is one of the dirtiest places ever. Why would I do such a thing? For a guy who washes his hands 60 times a day--I'd love to find the place in my head that said this was the solution. In fact, I don't even touch my own ass. That is a do not enter zone for me--and if I could hire a hot chick full time to wipe my ass after taking a dump, I would. Seriously.

But, what I learned though, is that it REALLY REALLY REALLY turned her on. After only 3 seconds of a finger in the ass, she pushed me up on the side of the hot tub and gave me the blowjob of a lifetime. Seriously, her fucking mouth deserves to be on a box of Wheaties--because it really was a blowjob of a champion.

Before I knew it, it was time to blow my load. I had visions of water polo and vitamin water in head...as well as visions of covering this woman's ta-ta's exactly as she requested.

She begged me, "Cum on my tits."

But, something happened. Something in me wouldn't let it fly on her tits. Somewhere in those last 8 remaining seconds, my dude-sense kicked in again. I thought, if I blow my load on her boobs--to her, it'll be as if she did something great for me. Maybe even later say, "remember when I had you cum on my tits?" Almost as if the tables are turned and now I owe HER something. I knew at that very moment that there's a good chance that I'll NEVER see her again. I certainly am never going to call her again. I don't want to owe her shit. In fact, I'd rather her think that the idea of me cumming on her tits is not even a turn-on. Yeah, I'm a dick. But she's a mess. And, that's just the way we dudes think sometime.

The moral fellas? It's ok to think with your dick--but never stop thinking. Think it all the way through. Even if you like the chick. Think one sexual escapade AHEAD of the current one.

As for me blowing my load, I won't be taking a soak in that hot tub for quite some time. I don't suggest you do either.

bron: De Morgen

I'm worried that it's not worth it.  That one day I'll be eating something, swallow it the wrong way, and choke.  Where a normal person would just spit it back up, my body will have trained itself to suppress those urges.  I'm worried that I'll die, and it won't even matter, because no matter how I try, you're still AT BEST just a little better than apathetic.  And god, I'm trying so hard.

i am a little concerned about making a graceful exit. last time i stuck around all day, feeling vaguely awkward, but was rewarded with extra nookie of the mind-blowing variety. but we're not as close anymore, and i think it'd be even worse (awkward-wise) if i tried that again. i think i'll play it by ear. carf is supposed to come home this weekend (though she's super flaky, so that might mean tomorrow, or three days from now), so i have a valid way out if i need it.

i was driving home today, replaying that whole doggy-style-plus-spanking-oh-gods-it-felt-amazing-extravaganza in mark's friend (let's call him.. um, jacob)'s bedroom. i vaguely recall mark saying that jacob's pretty innocent. i wondered how he felt about having his bed defiled by his best friend and a total stranger. thinking of that made me feel pretty filthy, in a hot way.

anyway, this time my mind went off on an alternative ending. this time, walking into his room, i turn around and say, "wanna watch?" and i end up getting eiffel-towered. spit-roasted. a-framed. whatever you wanna call it.

usually this fantasy involves mark and brian, but jacob subbed in nicely for brian. i can't really remember what jacob looked like, other than having dark hair and being taller than me, but i do remember the adrenaline and girl-boner inducing way he drove.

ages ago when i was first getting to know mark, we had a long conversation about threesomes, and i asked him if he'd do MWM. he said maybe, if there was no "crossing of swords". i don't exactly know where he draws the line betweens friends and sex (he's def bros before ho's, but that's not what i mean) - he found it disturbing when i kind of sort of quasi-accidentally hooked up with brian and him on the same night, but apparently he and brian both know and are okay with the fact (in retrospect, one admits) that they hooked up with me during overlapping time periods*. i can't imagine that he'd do a MWM threesome with jacob or brian though, unless everyone involved was fairly intoxicated.

* i kind of like the fact that brian knows about this. mark initially swore me to absolute secrecy because it would be awful if brian ever found out. brian doesn't and never did care about me in the least, so i fail to see how he had any right to be indignant about that, but whatever. anyway, now i get kind of a kick from thinking that, at some point during their trip to europe, mark told him this. as long as it wasn't a commiseration-fest on how sloppy my BJ's were (and even if it was, lol), i'm amused.

speaking of which, i feel that i've been lacking in the BJ department. i am tormented by the idea that She of the Fake Meow was better in bed than me (yes, i'm petty like that). i'm going to really focus this time, and hope that my nerve doesn't fail me.

A woman sucked my dick last night for one hour and 17 minutes.

That's 77 fucking minutes of blowjob. That's a long fucking time. Michael Phelps could've won 19 gold medals while I was getting blown.  Seriously.

Of course, it wasn't just any woman who was smoking my bone last night...it was the 7 Orgasm Girl. Yup, unbeknownst to me, 7 orgasm girl was having her "monthly visitor," which ultimately led her to playing sword-swallow with my bone for the equivalent of two and 1/2 Cosby Shows. I found this out at about 12:27AM when she stopped my germaphobic, Purell hand-sanitizing loving fingers, as they tried to make their way down to tuna town. And thank the Lord that she did. But, here's the bizarre thing, 7 orgasm girl WASN'T going to stop me. She even prefaced telling me that she was on the rag with the phrase, "You may or may not care, but.. "

But What..?

Uh, yeah, let me clue you in... I CARE. I REALLY FUCKING CARE. And to be honest, find me a dude on the planet who DOESN'T CARE (even though I know you nasty fuckers exist). Sorry, but I don't feel like sticking a finger in the girl I'm dating, and end up looking like I'm reenacting a scene from the horror movie "Carrie." Sorry. Not my style. And, for a guy who washes his hands 41 times an hour-she should know that.

Anyway, back to the blowjob.

So, after sending off the vibe that I'm not the kind of guy who likes to go balls deep on bloody vaginas, she quickly responded with, "well, there's lots of other things we can do." Quickly I felt better again. Reassured. Partly because she already had one of my balls in her mouth, and partly because I knew I wouldn't really have to do shit. And, if you think I'm lazy, go fuck yourself. Do you know how fucking hard it is to give a chick 7 orgasms like I did the other night?? I don't know if I can top that. Fuck, it's hard enough giving a chick 1 orgasm. It's kind of like when you fall in love with a girl--and on her first birthday you give her a $1200.00 Louis Vuitton bag. Well, fuck, you idiot (I'm talking to myself by the way), you don't think that the chick is going to expect a gift of that magnitude or better the next birthday?? And, for Christ sake, I dont even know HOW I gave her those fucking orgasms. So, I deserve a night off.

Anyway, with both of my balls in her mouth now, 7 Orgasm girl takes off her top. It was genius. Big fake titties, balls in her mouth, fuck, if I could just turn on the Olympics I'd have been in heaven.

Well, so I thought. I actually DID turn on the Olympics. And, to be honest, they started to become more exciting than the blowjob.

It was happening to me all over again.

What was happening, you ask?

I was OVER her. Not really attracted anymore, could-do-without-her, so what if I don't see her again, I already gave you a total of 11 orgasms....over her. Yup, I felt it a few days before, but now it was really coming full circle as Oprah would say. And, that was the ONLY thing coming. I certainly wasn't about to cum--and this is as I was entering minute 19 of the blowjob. I had no pre-cum, no "I'm almost there moments," no, "wow this is great, who cares if I'm not about to blow my load," thoughts, nothing.

Yeah it sucked. Because if you're like me, one of THE most important things in your life is a blowjob. I'm serious. It's more important than family, more important than friends, and more important than money. Well, not money. But close.

At this point we move into my bedroom and 7 orgasm girl is sucking my dick like it's life or death. And to be honest, I really admired that. She really was sucking as good as she could. And to her credit, she hardly ever  took a break except for a few breathers. And, bless her for that. She really should breath.

Now, as I entered minute 47 of this soon to be historical BJ, I gave myself a pep talk. I really needed to blow my load--because I really wanted to go to bed. Obviously, the quicker I blow, the quicker I get to sleep. So, what did I do? I started thinking about other chicks. Yup, it was down to that. First, I thought about my neighbor--a former Playboy playmate with a body to die for. No really, if you saw her body, you might just die. She's that hot. So, for 7 minutes I thought about her sucking me off...talking dirty to me...and licking my balls. And, to be honest, things started getting good...not to mention in my head, my neighbor licks my balls really well. But not good enough. I needed more. So then I went to 'ol faithful: Pam Anderson and her brilliant cans, giving me one of her infamous dick smokings. Because I've seen Pam in action, I knew what I was in store for. Yes sir, THAT was the ticket. Well, it was the ticket for about 9 minutes, but it didn't close out the show.

I'll tell you what closed out the show though. Finally, at about minute 74 I looked up, saw this woman giving me some of the sloppiest head I'd ever had--like she was bobbing for apples, and thought to myself, "once you blow your load, she's gonna leave, and you're going to get to go to bed. By yourself. But, first you're going to eat that cold piece of pizza that you've been thinking about all night. And it's going to taste really fucking good."

3 minutes later I released my seed, as the hippies say.

Yeah, it's kind of a bummer that the idea of being by myself, alone, as a happy single bachelor is enough to make me cum. But, it's such a fun life.

Fellas, the moral is, just have fun. Be safe, but be a dude. There are so many fucking hot girls out there to meet, to have sex with, to get blown by, that there's just no need to get tied down. And sure, some chick is going to respond to this with some liberated woman bullshit babble such as, "you're not going to be young forever," or a "you're the reason women hate men," thing...but, save it. It's your fault that we have to think about other women sucking or dicks, when YOU'RE sucking our dicks.

And trust me, I'm no brilliant pussy eater myself--so if you want to think of Brad Pitt..or maybe you're into old dudes like Bob Barker--more power to you.  

You see, I'm a gentlemen--and gentlemen don't stop women in the middle of blowjobs...especially when they lick your balls as good as my neighbor does.