You definitely have to devote a night to it. Maybe a few nights, to be honest. We watched a couple hours or more of it. In the time it took us to watch it, it felt like I could have watched the director's edition of Das Boot.

Twice.

Simply put, this movi...err...film, spins it's wheels for about 150 minutes. Nothing...ever...happens. The dialogue is banal and the characters delivering those lines inspire absolutely no emotions from the viewer. It is awful hard for me to find a movie in which there is not a single character that I can cheer for or against. This is one of them. Daniel Plainview (played by Daniel Day Lewis who won an Oscar for his performance) is an oilman (well, he likes to think of himself as an oilman). At the start, he is just a regular old oilman (well, he likes to think of himself as an oilman), and at the end, he is just a drunk oilman. His son and partner, H.W. Plainview, starts off as a young boy. Then he goes deaf. At the end, he is still deaf. There was really no reason for his character to exist. In all honesty, I don't know why any of the characters were in this movie, because they all are existing in separate realities. Whatever character intersections there are prove to be moribund and completely uninteresting, and the different sections of the film feel like independent vignettes that, at no point, are leading us to a larger point or climax. There Will Be Blood assfucks you with anticlimax from the first scene on, and it does it quite ineffectively because at no point in it's runtime do you feel anything but complete and unmitigated apathy for the characters.

The film also won an Oscar for best photography, which is fine, although any schmuck with a working eyeball and a viewfinder could reproduce the stunning visuals in this film, as it is set in gorgeous scenery that appeared to be blessed by unbelievable natural lighting. A film's photographer cannot control the clouds or the sun. All he can do is capture, and this guy did a fine job of that.

The only bright point of this movie I can think of is the score/soundtrack/whatever. It was really the only thing that stuck out or piqued my interest at all. Had I know the "story" and the picture itself were going to be so completely and utterly disinteresting, I would have just downloaded the score and listened to it through headphones and saved 90 minutes of my life.

For those of you fortunate enough to have not watched this, do yourself a favor and don't. If you want to watch a contemporary film that actually has something to say and does anticlimax correctly, rent No Country For Old Men.

There Will Be Blood is a turd.

The Chicken came first…
The toilet paper role goes over and not under…
Ice cream with sprinkles is best…
Cows are evil…
The Anal Intruder 3000 is far superior to the Anal Intruder 2600…
If you’re happy and you know it, you really should clap your hands…
Al Gore knows nothing about the Internet…
The first words ever spoken were, “Pull my finger”…

One thing that has been asked of me the most is what are the 10 best and 10 worst movies of all time? Believe it or not I have an answer for that too. I have compiled a list of the best and worst movies that have spewed out of Hollywood and are now going to share them with you.

Before you read them a few things to remember…

This list is final, so don’t be writing in say, “You missed this movie and I didn’t like that one movie on your list, now I’m going to have minstrel cramps all day”. Remember, I am the fourth most important person on the Internet, so unless you are one of the three people that are more important than me, your opinion doesn’t mean shit and is unwanted.
Also, before you start whining about the new Batman movie not being on the list. I have not seen it yet, so don’t wet your panties because it is not on here.

Top Ten Movies of All Time

The list is not in order due to the fact that I can not pick a number one. The way I look at it is, if I had to be stranded on a desert island and could only watch 10 movies. These are the ones I would choose.

Raiders of the Lost Ark

Category – Action Adventure

Action, comedy and the wrath of God. What more could you get into a movie.

Shaw Shank Redemption

Category – Drama

The first movie I can honestly say was as good as if not better than the book.

Dumb And Dumber

Category – Comedy

The only movie I truly know word for word and will use lines from it in everyday conversation. And if you don’t, “You’re one pathetic loser... No offence”.

Star Wars (Empire Strikes Back)

Category – Sci-Fi

Best of the bunch. Darth Vader is Luke’s father? WOW!

Jaws

Category – Horror / Action Adventure

This movie single handedly killed an industry. Plus it has the greatest and most recognizable theme song of all time.

Pink Floyd –The Wall

Category – Musical

First time I saw this I was medicated. Enough said.

Apocalypse Now

Category – Drama / War

“I love the smell of Napalm in the Morning” So do I.

The Matrix

Category – Sci-Fi

What a mind job.

Full Metal Jacket

Category – Drama / War

Get this through your thick skulls maggots. R. Lee Ermey is a god!!!

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Category – Comedy

Ni!

10a. Lord Of the Rings (Trilogy)

Category – Action Adventure

This one comes in after I originally made the list. I can’t find it in my heart to remove any of the above (Maybe the Matrix because the sequels pissed me off so much) but I can’t leave this epic of film making off the list. This is a true masterpiece and could be number one on my list. Move over Star Wars, there is a new King!

Honorable Mention - (Movies I would like to see wash ashore)

Godfather II

Star Trek (First Contact)

The Usual Suspects

Citizen Kane

Terminator II

War Games

Witness

War of the Worlds (The original)

ET

Signs

South Park the Movie

Worst Movie - (The movies I would most likely use as Fire Wood)

Star Wars (The Phantom Menace)

Category – Crap / Insulting

What were you thinking George??? JAR JAR Binks is the spawn of Satan.

The Matrix (Revolutions)

Category – What the F*ck?!?!?!?!

The absolute biggest let down of all time. The Whychowski brothers took a classic and destroyed it. I waited 5 years to see the ultimate battle between man and machine……..END IN A TIE??!?

Mission to Mars

Category – Sell out.

Mission to my ass is more like it. I’m sorry but did everyone forget how to act when they signed on to do this turd.

Howard the Duck

Category – Ducks are not funny!!!

Another George Lucas abomination, I believe it was an early test on the American public for JAR JAR Binks.

The American President

Category – You blew it in the last 15 minutes of the movie.

Loved this movie right up to the part where is said he was a “Card carrying member of the ACLU”. I have never watched a second of this movie since.

Battlefield Earth

Category – Just because you read Dianetics, doesn’t mean you can make a good movie.

How do you take a 1500 page book that took ten years to write and fit it into a 2 hour movie………. You don’t.

Star Trek V (The Final Frontier)

Category – Capt. Kirk can’t direct

Or write or produce or act or………..Who let him loose on this toilet stain anyway?

Jaws 3 (3D)

Category – Greed

How do you take one of the most epic movie titles of all time and turn it into a joke? Watch this movie and find out.

Raise the Titanic

Category – A bad book usually makes for a bad movie.

So bad I don’t even think you can find it on video now.

Rudy

Category – What does a diploma from Notre Dame gets you?

Well if you’re Rudy it gets you a job mowing lawns. Yes that’s correct Rudy was mowing lawns years after graduating and only stopped doing it after the movie was made. Now he gives inspirational speeches on determination………….. This from a man who was MOWING LAWNS FOR A LIVING!!!!

10.a The Barney Movie

Category – Soul Stealer

I pretty much stayed away for kids movies, (I felt they would be to easy a target) but this one I had to include. This 90 minutes of evil took my soul and never gave it back. The only good thing about being forced to watch this movie is that I get to throw it back in my daughters face whenever I want. Here is an example:

My Sweet little girl: Daddy, can I go to college?

Me: You forced me to watch the Barney Movie with you when you were 5. I’m afraid I have done everything that a father is called to do for his child, so college it out.

My Sweet little girl: But daddy, what am I supposed to do with my life?

Me: Here’s and Idea, become an assassin and kill that fucking Barney. If that doesn’t work out, there is always room for one more hooker on this planet.

Juno is a junior in high school that gets pregnant by her best friend.  Apparently, she and her best friend were bored one night.  Yes, the excuse is that they were bored, and did not want to watch the Blair Witch Project.  Yes, her name is Juno.  As far as I could tell, Juno is a snarky, sarcastic, disconnected brat, who attempts to have life her own way.  At least she decides to walk out of the abortion clinic.

Juno's parents take the news with some measure of grace, but really are not all that interesting. They do seem to offer as much support and help as they are able, but Juno does keep them at arms length.

The father of the baby is a wimp.  He has absolutely no guts, and just abandons responsibility to Juno. 

Juno sets up an adoption for the baby, but from the start, the adoptive parents have real problems.  The wife is obsessed with having a baby, and the husband is a songwriter, reduced to writing for commercials, who really wants to be on the road playing music.  In the end, they do go through with the adoption, yet Juno and the boyfriend seem disaffected.

Then there was the music.  There was not a single song worth listening to.  Every single one was irritating, like fingernails on a chalkboard.

It was more postmodern drivel than I had much patience for.  While Gareth Higgins from the God's Politics blog calls it a "Truly Pro-Life Film", I don't buy that.  There is no realization of the depth and gravity of what is going on.  Juno reduces everything so a snarky, sarcastic line, dodging real opportunities to connect with real life. 

I want my 96 minutes back.

Director: M. Night Shyamalan

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel, John Leguizamo

Before I begin this review I want to list some of the possible cheesy headlines that I thought of for a review of this M. Night Shyamalan film. 

1. It's just not happening. 

2. What the hell happened?

3. What's happening? 

4. Neither hip nor happening. 

5. The crappening?

Now that I have that off my chest I think most readers will know what kind of review I will be giving the new M. Night Shyamalan flick. The obviously talented director has gotten progressively worse as he keeps making movies. I honestly didn't think he could make anything worse than The Village until I saw Lady in the Water. He has now surpassed both of those films in badness in The Happening. Seriously, what happened? He had an amazing breakthrough with the Sixth Sense and followed it up with the intriguing Unbreakable, then he took another small step down with Signs, which I still believe was a solid film. Then it was a quick downhill slope and The Happening is the tree with the branch sticking out ready to impale him.

Before getting to the bad let's go over the good things about this film. There's not much so this shouldn't take too long. The mood that Shyamalan develops is good. The entire film has an eerie feel to it which is effective until one realizes how bad the movie is. Another good thing is that this isn't one of the bad movies that isn't fun to watch with a few friends and strictly make fun of. It's on the Showgirls side of the spectrum in that it is so bad that it's easy to make fun of and laugh at the ridiculous stuff that happens and the horrible dialogue that takes place. (None of that paragraph sounded like the good did it? Oh well. I tried). 

I've mentioned the dialogue and I've mentioned how silly the film is (although I don't want to reveal what the happening is because I don't want to spoil anything, even though they pretty much tell you exactly what is going on pretty early in the movie). So what about the acting? Mark Wahlberg is normally solid right? With the likes of The Departed and Shooter he was on a little roll. In this movie Wahlberg is very disappointing. He raises his voice an octave and sounds like a bit of a wuss throughout the story. How about Zooey Deschanel? I normally enjoy her quirky smaller roles like her role as the sister in Almost Famous and her bizarre role in the TV series Weeds but in this she's about as animated as a stone and about as monotonous as Al Gore. Seriously, the dialogue in this makes the dialogue in Star Wars look fantastic. I have to stop writing about this movie because I'm getting a little bit upset thinking about it. 

Kevin's Rating: 1 out of 5

I guess that the folks at Warner Brothers are hoping that this movie will play better at home.  I suppose it will, if I turn the sound off, and completely dim the picture.  I feel like the execs at Warner Brothers are just throwing good money after bad.  People, the movie TANKED at the box office, and this was BEFORE the economy started to get really bad.  So, I ask you in the name of all reasonableness, why put out a special edition of a movie that FAILED?  I don't hear people crying out for a special 3 disc edition of GIGLI.  I realize there is a special edition of SHOWGIRLS, but that I understand as SHOWGIRLS has become something of a cult favorite.  And when was the last time you heard this in a conversation:  "Wouldn't it be great if THE FLINTSTONES IN VIVA ROCK VEGAS was a three disc set."?

I'm sure that some people who initially GOT this movie will want to own the discs that are coming out.  It's your money, and I have no right to tell you how to spend it, but let me offer this advice to the powers that be at Warner Brothers:  Wouldn't the money your spending on this special edition of SPEED RACER on DVD be BETTER spent on releasing some of the BETTER titles that might be still sitting in your vaults?  I don't have any specific titles in mind at the moment, but there must be a classic in there somewhere that HASN'T seen the light of day on DVD.

Let me close this column with a special thank you.  Over the past week, the total number of visits to my blog went over 500, with today's total reaching 520.  I just wanted to say thank you to my faithful readers, and those of you who happened on it by chance.  I honestly didn't expect to see such interest in yet another blog about one person's opinions about the movies.  I thank you all, and I hope you will continue to keep reading!

Todays target is USAirways. Whilst on our flight from Charlotte to London, the stewardess tried to tempt us into spending our last dollars on something from their duty free trolley. 'They make wonderful gifts for a loved on', she purred across the tannoy, interrupting the nightmare that watching 10,000BC was turning out to be, 'because, as you know, Christmas is just around the corner.'

WHAT??

'As I know', it's July 12 and Christmas is fully 165 days away. Put in more understandable terms, we still have another 45%  of the year to go! I don't know how big the corners are where she's from, but I imagine they spend most of their time going round in circles.

Bah humbug.

As for mileage, The North Adams trip is 150 miles each way.  Keene is 120 Miles each way.  That brings us up to 4,905 miles this season.

I realize that yesterday, Sat July 12th, this blog got the least amount of hits (2) in nearly a month.  That shit ain't gonna fly.

And regarding the movie "All In", sigh... I like poker.  This movie made me hate it in one fell swoop.  How could a movie starring the one and only Gunnar Stahl be so unbelievably bad?  The acting is atrocious, the plot is absurd yet predictable, and worst of all it stars Michael Madsen as a terrible Colonel Sanders lookalike.  For those brave enough, watch the trailer.  Man, I just don't get how Gunnar Stahl could go downhill after the greatest scene in movie history.

We lost again last night, we're .500 on the season at 13-13.  We set a new league record with our second triple play of the season.  Both came in games at Keene, both ended with walkoff losses in extra innings.

And on a sidenote, where did the professionalism in press boxes go?  Openly cheering for a team is bush league and is a way for you to openly proclaim "hi, i'm a moron!"  It's a press box.  There are no biases.  You don't clap, you don't yell, and you don't cheer.  That's how it works.  If you want to be a fan, then go be a damn fan.  Don't go into a professional environment in which you do not belong.

Oh and I had lunch at McGillicuddy's the other day.  A McGillicuddy's burger with bacon cheddar and onions and onion rings with a coke.  And I think I was sitting next to Captain Lou Albano. He's really let himself go.  That makes two former WWF stars that I may have seen in one week.

We play Manchester today.  But mother nature has other plans.  She's such a dirty whore.

Keep it gangsta,

Kyle

1. It has Will Farrel with a Southern accent
2. It has Adam Sandler with an accent that isn't his own (whatever that would be..)
3. It has an actor or actress dressed as the gender they were not born as when they are not trans gender
4. It has any number of pop singers like Brittany Spears or Jessica Simpson or Lindsay Lohan
5. It was made by Tim Burton (well, this is only 60% accurate)
6. It stars and/or was made by the Wayan brothers
7. It has the words "SciFi original movie" somewhere in it or promoting it
8. It has the phrase "from the guys who brought you.." in the trailer and on the promo posters
9. It's about a quirky black family with various issues such as obnoxious yelling
10. It's a Disney sequel
11. You don't see any promotion for it until right up to the release
12. All commercials for it show the same scenes over and over in different combinations so it gets old by the second time you see it
13. It gives Steve Carrel a major role

Well, there are 13 for you. 13 being an unlucky number, and you being unlucky for sitting through a crappy movie.

Waterworld isn’t just a bad movie. It’s a bad expensive movie. The film cost $175 million to make, which set a record at the time, and people who manage to sit through it often wonder just where the hell the money went. The special effects are horrible, it certainly didn’t go into the script, and Kevin Costner’s mullet can’t have cost that much to maintain. The answer lies somewhere at the bottom of the ocean between the damaged atolls and the sad remnants of his once promising career.

The movie is set in a post-apocalyptic future where the polar ice caps have melted and ocean levels have risen dramatically. Kevin Costner stars as The Mariner, a sort of mutant fish-man who roams the ocean in his personal watercraft and stumbles upon a young girl who has a map tattooed to her back. It supposedly leads to dry land, something that is considered a myth by most people, and dastardly thugs led by a one-eyed Dennis Hopper will stop at nothing to retrieve it.

What follows is all manner of bad action sequences, horrible dialogue (“He doesn’t have a name, so death can’t find him”), and more plot inconsistencies than you can shake a stick at. Everyone in the movie smokes cigarettes, despite the fact that it’s been two hundred years since the fall of civilization. Kevin Costner has a personal submarine bubble even though he is a moody loner who can breathe underwater. There is also an odd preponderance of still-functioning jet-skis in the world; perhaps there was a floating Jiffy-Lube somewhere that the movie never depicted.

Near the end of the film, Kevin Costner kills his way through the Smokers that have kidnapped the girl and sets fire to some convenient oil tanks. The camera then cuts to an old man in a boiler room who says, “Oh, thank god,” thus showing that the slaves there are miserable and absolving The Mariner of any guilt for the murder of over five hundred people. Our hero and his companions manage to escape the sinking oil platform, defeat Dennis Hopper in a climactic battle, and follow the tattooed map to that most fabled of notions, dry land.

Spoiler alert: It turns out it’s Mount Everest. So when Jeanne Tripplehorn states that they’re going to go out there and find more dry land, um, no they’re not. That’s pretty much all that’s left.

10. Tagline from the DVD box: His stripes made him an outcast. His heart made him a hero. They forgot "his movie works better than Ambien. 

The box however does offer this warning... Starring: Frankie Muniz, David Spade, Steve Harvey, Snoop Dogg, Mandy Moore, Jeff Foxworthy, and Whoopi Goldberg

_______________________________________________________________________________

9. Let's be honest, this was about a guy in the mid west who hallucinated an entire baseball game and people thought it was romantic. If he had hallucinated anything else, he'd have been arrested.

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8. Again, the producers try to warn you with the cover art. _______________________________________________________________________________

7. Just look at this poster. Let this soak in. Did Bugs Bunny really need the money this badly? Here's your tagline, Half cartoon, half live action, all crap. These were Spacejammed into Wal Mart's $1.99 bin with more authority than 23 ever dunked a basketball. 

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6.  Inside a studio executive's head in 1982: Kenny Rogers, sports movie. Kenny Rogers, sports movie. Kenny Rogers, sports movie... How come this hasn't happened yet?

Ignored child labor laws and a creepy bearded dude that hangs around kids are not enough to save this movie. 

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5. Even Tide fans left this movie rooting for Auburn.

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4.  High School Musical (w/out the music) meets Cheetah Girls, meets crappy WB sitcom.

Actual tagline: Everybody has a secret... Duke wants Olivia who likes Sebastian who is really Viola whose brother is dating Monique so she hates Olivia who's with Duke to make Sebastian jealous who is really Viola who's crushing on Duke who thinks she's a guy... This movie just makes the Bean angry!

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2. The Bean is still unclear why Hollywood hates monkeys so much. Here's another example... Making one "act" with Matt LeBlanc. "You're there to support the chimp. Just remember that, Joey."

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1.  ANY movie that makes "Stop or My Mom Will Shoot" (with Estell Getty) not the worst Stallone movie deserves a place on this list.  Remember, Stallone made: Cobra, Judge Dread, Oscar, 

Best part of this movie?  Sammy Hagar's song on the soundtrack. No, make that the closing credits. Let the Bean walk you through this movie's premise.

Truck driver, Lincoln Hawk gets his kid from a military academy because his mother is dying. Not Stallone's, his kid's. Anyway... What turns into long story/longer... It's the feel good arm wrestling movie of the year. 

We cannot have him remembered as a conspirator in the assassination of the man that brought this nation together. Ben Gates' forfader var en helt, prædiker Ben og hans far ved diverse foredrag, indtil en Mitch Wilkinson fortæller, at hans forfader havde en anden version af historien, hvor den gamle Gates angiveligt skulle have været en morder og landsforræder. Dette leder helt naturligt til en ny skattejagt, denne gang efter en by af guld, og så skal præsidenten også lige kidnappes.

Den første National Treasure klarede sig nogenlunde godt som en hyggelig familiefilm ved at være en skattejagt i forskellige miljøer med fart over feltet og en del kreative indfald, både når det kom til handling og dialog. Men hvad den første havde, det mangler 2'eren desværre i høj grad. Det ene bibliotek ligner det andet. Dialogen lyder om muligt mere kunstig. Og man har efterhånden vænnet sig til, at alle problemer kan løses med en iPod, en mobiltelefon og en internetforbindelse.

Riley (Bartha), som var første films comic relief, får dog meget mindre skærmtid, end hans halvmuntre replikker fortjener, og i to kedelige timer må vi høre på usammenhængende og uinteressant sludder om amerikansk historie som undskyldning for, at de mange mennesker bliver ved med at rejse videre fra punkt til punkt til punkt, uden at de nogensinde synes at nå frem. Da de så endelig når frem er man bare lettet over, at det er overstået. Plotelementet med præsidenten er komplet overflødig, men måtte nødvendigvis inkluderes for i sin tid at gøre traileren til filmen lidt interessant.

Når filmen er set, ånder man lettet op, og få minutter senere er alt glemt. Det er ikke, at filmen er så elendig, at man lider, men sort skærm kunne af og til føles mere spændende. Faktisk kan jeg ikke komme på én god grund til at se den, uanset om man er barn eller voksen. Derfor er det nok mest passende at give den 1 stjerne.

Listen er uendelig lang, men nu giver jeg bare lige 10 små detaljer, der faldt mig ind, mens jeg så den. Der er selvsagt spoilers i dette indlæg, men filmen er dels gammel, dels elendig og dels uden historie, så jeg tror, du overlever.

1. Batman kommer løbende for at finde Two-Face. I stedet finder han et gidsel - bundet og munden lukket med gaffetape inde i en bankboks. Jeg hader, at Batman er så dum, han ikke kan se, det her er en fælde!

2. Two-Face truer med at springe et cirkus i luften, hvis ikke Batman dukker op. Jeg hader, at Bruce Wayne er så dum, at han begynder at råbe "I'm Batman!", som om det kan redde cirkuset, og som om nogen vil kunne høre ham udover de nærmeste!

3. Ligesom alle skurke var Two-Face en god fyr engang, før han en dag pludselig ikke var det længere. Utroligt nok, så har man på video, hvordan han blev forvandlet til superskurken Two-Face, og man kører det åbenbart igen og igen på nyhedskanalen tilmed fra flere vinkler! Endnu mere utroligt er det, at gangster-vidnet var sluppet ind med syre, og for at gøre det hele endnu mere spøjst, så overværede Batman retssagen og forsøgte for sent at forhindre vidnet i at smide syren på Harvey Dent! Jeg hader de mærkelige sammentraf og det MTV-lignende footage, der tydeligvis bare er iscenesat for at give os seere nogle data.

4. Harvey Dent var distriktanklager, en hæderlig mand, før hans personlighed splittedes, så nu har han en lys og en mørk side. Flere gange i filmen ser man symbolet ying-yang. Jeg hader, at hans gode side i denne film er lige så ond som hans mørke side! At man tager én af Batman-universets mest nuancerede figurer og tværer ham ud som en psykopatisk skurk uden gråtoner!

5. Dr. Chase et-eller-andet (Nicole Kidman på en god dag) flirter helt vildt med Batman. Dagen efter dukker Bruce Wayne (som hun aldrig før har mødt) op hjemme hos hende og giver sig til at flirte vildt med hende. Hun regner dog ikke helt sammenhængen ud. Jeg hader, at Wayne/Batman ikke værner bare lidt bedre om sine hemmelige identiteter, og jeg forundres over, hvor dumme alle folk i Gotham må være, hvis de ikke har regnet den ud endnu.

6. Jeg hader, at Batman opfører sig som James Bond (eller pubertetsungen Spider-Man), når han normalt går for at være en hæderlig og frem for alt professionel detektiv, der som det første forstår at holde sin batsjover i bukserne, når han er på arbejde!

7. Jeg hader, at Gækkeren har en alt, alt, alt for stram grøn dragt på, hvorved man kan se mere, end man nogensinde får lyst til.

8. Gækkeren har efterladt mange gåder og til sammen har Bruce Wayne én stor gåde: Hvad er sammenhængen? Jeg hader, at det endelige svar (gækkerens identitet) er løst baseret på svar inspireret af svar konkluderet på baggrund af hints antaget på baggrund af oplysninger bygget på de svar, som der var ingen som helst garanti for var korrekte. Kort sagt hader jeg, at Gækkerens gåder er ulogiske, og at Bruce Wayne tilsyneladende er nøjagtig lige så ulogisk, når han på magisk vis løser dem.

9. Two-Face og Gækkeren har en snedig plan: De vil smide to mennesker i havet - på samme tid! Hvad skal Batman dog gøre? Jeg hader, at Batman bliver sat til at vælge mellem superlækre smækre blondine med den den gode bagdel og så den lille møgirriterende pubertetsfrustrerede gnom, der hele tiden stjæler bilen...som om der er noget at rafle om?

10. Two-Face - også kendt som Harvey Dent, en hæderlig mand, der plejede at sætte Gothams kriminelle bag lås og slå, indtil psykisk sygdom desværre tog over og gjorde ham til den, han er - falder ned og drukner. Jeg hader, at gode by-the-book Batman bare ser på, mens det sker.

Bonus: Jeg hader, at Gækkerens ledeste våben i denne film er et stort batteri fyldt med hjerneimpulser (ja what?), og jeg hader, at det eneste, Batman skulle gøre for at ødelægge det, var at kaste én af sine spiddende flagermus!

Betragt dette som en lidt alternativ anmeldelse. 1 stjerne. (Nul er ikke med på skalaen nemlig.)

Some of you were worried. I'm doing great! I just didn't have news interesting enough to tell you.

And as we say, no news is good news (most of the time).

Today, I have an awful news to tell you. It's actually an awful review about a movie I just saw: the new Indiana Jones flick. Some of you might have already seen it but my anger is to big to be contained. I had to put it on my blog.

I came out of the theater depressed. It was good seeing one of my favorite charaters on screen again and some of the jokes were funny if you are a true fan of the series like myself. But the script is just terrible. After more than 15 years this is what Hollywood could come up with: take movies like "Mission to Mars", "Sign" and have Indy search for a lost piece of artefact and chased by Russian KGB. There, you have it. That's the script. Oh and he has a son but nobody cares at this point.

So yes, you have aliens at the end and a spaceship. Who mixes Indiana Jones and science fiction? Spielberg does.

Do you remember when you first discovered that Santa Clause didn't exist? How the whole myth just crumbled into pieces and made you sad? It was the same for me this time. The worst part is, it comes from the very same people who created the myth. Come on! Surely Mr. Spielberg, you can do better than this! I'm sure you're going to come up with a lame excuse like "I just thought of it like an hommage to Sci-Fi movies that I loved so much over the past years, including mine."

I love movies, but betraying people like this through this art is unforgivable.

I'll write again soon!

Next stage? The Dark Knight!

Maybe we should try breaking the DVD a few times.

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8 Seconds... That's exactly how long this lasted in my DVD player before I hit the eject button.   

Luke Perry finds out that working with 1200 pounds of angry beef is a whole lot easier than working with Shannon Doherty. 

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B-list actors playing B-list football players. Rob Schneider, Kathy Ireland, Sinbad, Jason Bateman, Scott Bakula... If you once had a hit TV show in the 1980's, you had a spot in this movie. I think Gary Coleman and Alf had small cameos. How on Earth could this not be an instant classic?  

Any movie with Sinbad and that Huey Lewis-looking Quantum Leap dude is probably going to suck. Turns out, it did.

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If you can't get a bunch of inner-city street thugs to respect a bumbling line screwing-up blonde from Laugh-In, who will they respect?   The Bean rented this DVD just for the deleted scenes.  Turns out black guys do love blondes. 

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Penny Hardaway, and the O'Neill brothers, (Shaquille and Ed)? No wonder the producers of Kazam were falling all over themselves to sign Shaq after this classic performance.  This movie is likely what made Nick Nolte hit the bottle. 

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You don't have to wear the cardboard 3-D glasses to see how crappy this movie is.

The Bean realizes that this is not a sports movie. However any movie this horrible deserves to be on a bad movie list. Here's the plot... After a Nantucket family endures two summers being terrorized by this fish, sheriff Brody's sons decide to take a trip to Florida. What's there waiting for them? The most grudge holding shark ever born. Good lord! You get the feeling that if they had gone to Omaha, Nebraska, this shark would have been behind the counter at the truckstop where they stopped for gas.

Alright. Back to the sports movies.

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Al Bundy's second movie on the list.  Honey, I shrunk the budget.  Shot entirely in a small town, with B-list actors, Rick Moranis take a rag tag bunch of misfits to the championship game and beats the better team. The Bean loved this movie when they called it the Bad News Bears.

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Let me set the stage. Don Knotts (Barney Fife) coaches the NFL's California ATOMS. Their star "player" is a soccer playing mule from Yugoslavia. Tom Bosley (Mr. Cunningham) and Tim Conway (uh, Tim Conway) then mulenaps GUS for a climatic scene just before the big game. Team owner Ed Asner (Lou Grant) loses his temper and yells at people alot while wearing those giant ties that he wore when he worked in Minnesota at that TV station.   

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I guess Hogan doesn't know best. Hulk "Thunderlips" Hogan was such a big hit in his draw in Rocky III that he rode his on rhinestone encrusted capetails to movie stardom.   If the court really wanted to teach his kid a lesson, play this 24 hours a day in his cell.  He'll never drive again. 

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Ex- QB and current FBI agent, Johnny Utah (Reeves) is sent undercover to foil a group of bank-robbing surfers headed by Gene Hackman and Dennis Hopper before Hopper is able to put a bomb on a city bus and force Sandra Bullock to drive it to Indiana to blow up a high school boys basketball team, the same team Hackman and Hopper would be coaching against in the state finals.  

 Oh wait... Maybe that's a different movie.

Last week, my ex-husband flew into town from Kansas to fetch my little Sully and take him back to Kansas with him for the summer.  The ex stayed at our house for a couple days so that Sully and I could show him around where we live.  It was weird having him here- but we're at a place now where we get along quite smashingly (which took a lot of time and work to get to this place).  I think that Sully was feeling guilt for enjoying where he lives with me and Brad because he knows his dad misses him... but his dad was so blown away by how nice the weather and our surroundings are, and had nothing but glowing reviews of everything we saw that Sully's attitude changed almost overnight and he is now PROUD of where he lives.  Sully and I took Nic (his dad) to the tide pools, nature trails, swimming at the beach and to a few of the great restaurants around our house- and much fun was had by all.

Then I put the both of them on a plane.... and came home to an empty house for the first time in 10 years.  Brad was on tour- so it was just me and the cats.  I kindof flipped out.  Scrubbed down the house, rearranged furniture, paced around alot, played music really loud to drown out the empty quiet, and got really sad.  Granted, I KNOW how much I need the break.  I need to get some rest and be able to focus on work... but for 10 years it's been "Me & Sully Against the World", and I'm not sure what to do without my little sidekick.  All my friends tell me it's a really good thing because Sully and I are WAY too clingy and attached to each other, and Brad is thrilled at the idea that him and I can actually experience being a couple-without-a-child for the first time in our relationship.  I'm excited about that aspect of it too... but I miss my little high-maintenance-monkey.  Lots.

That being said, Brad and I went on a "date" last night.  Dinner at his parent's house and then to the movies.  Normally, going out is a very expensive ordeal for us.  $25 for a babysitter, $25 for the movies, and another $20 if we want to have dinner somewhere.  $60-$80 each time we want to leave the house together is a big price to pay (especially since I'm totally broke from my clothing line being SO FUCKING LATE getting made... yes... I'm STILL waiting for it to get done).  But last night, Brad took me to go and see the movie "Hancock" because of my love for Will Smith.  I've been excited about this movie ever since I saw the preview for it last month... I actually made a squeeling-sound in the theater when I first saw that preview.  Will Smith in a SUPERHERO movie!!!!  I'm a nerd and LOOOVVVEEE superhero flicks.  What could be better??

I left the theater last night in a rage. When the credits started rolling I jumped up and pushed my way out through the sea of people screaming about how I should hunt down the shitbags who tainted my love of Will Smith and force feed them copy after copy of that horrible excuse for entertainment- Brad trailing behind me laughing at my hate-filed hysteria.  Somehow, they took what COULD have been a hilarious action-packed Will Smith gem into a sappy chick-flick waste of time with a bullshit plot and the worst dialog that I've ever witnessed.  Rarely have I ever wanted to leave in the middle of a movie- but it took everything I had not to bail on this movie half-way through.  It was so bad, that I lost hope that "maybe it will get better" within the first 30 minutes.  Brad was laughing at me through the whole thing- watching my face go from excited, to confused, to annoyed, to mad, and then to blind fury as the movie progressed.  I think my "final straw" was at the end of the movie, when I jumped up and was trying to get out of there as quickly as I could so as not to throw a tantrum over the fact I just wasted 2 hours of my life... there were people who were actually CLAPPING because they loved the movie so much.  CLAPPING!!!! I lost my shit.  Screaming back to Brad as he was trying to keep up with my frenzied storming out of the theater that I would rather be gunned down in the street than have to share the air I breathe with a society of people so ignorant that they will happily swallow that vomitous pile of bile and accept it as entertainment.

Yes... it was that bad.  And we paid $25 to see it.  $25 and 2 hours of my life... neither of which there is a refund.  And the glorified light that I lovingly placed Will Smith in is now horribly tainted.  Why, Will?  Are you so rich now that you just don't care what movies you agree to do anymore?  Don't you know that it doesn't have to be this way? You can be obscenely wealthy and still maintain your integrity by chosing GOOD movies to be a part of?  Why, Will?  WHY?

He will not be able to make up for this one in my eyes.

Will, you broke my heart.  And you owe me $25.

CLICKITY-CLACK.

K

We love movies. The dark theater (minus the jackass texting 3 rows in front of you). The box of Milk Duds. The drink that's way too big, but you're going to finish the damn thing anyways, because you paid $5.00 for it. The previews... ahh, the previews. Allowing yourself to leave the world behind and be swept away for 2 hours by the vision of a truly great filmmaker. Trying to figure out the ending long before you should even be worried about that. Analyzing the plots and subplots. Reaching sometimes further than we should to try to find the applicability to our own lives.

For us, film is truly one of the greatest art forms. As you should all know by now, art is kind of a big deal to us. And, there's nothing better than the first time you see a great film, except for maybe the second or third time. Losing yourself in the art of film is an experience like none other. These experiences often leave such an impression that we're left remembering the exact days or specific events that are connected to the watching of them. Kyle first saw the movie Fight Club on 7/25/99. He remembers clearly the ecstasy he met as the last scene unfolded, and the musical genius of the Pixies merged with the cinematic genius of David Fincher. Ben can relive the fear he felt the night he saw The Exorcist. The darkness of the night. The pouring Texas rain. How not 10 minutes after the film ended, the power was cut in his apartment, and he was left to sit on the floor in the dark for the next 3 hours. It was one of the only times in his life where he genuinely felt the effects of a scary movie. Of course, the thunderstorm and the lack of electricity helped out quite a bit.

Have we made our point? We really love movies.

As fantastic and wonderful as these great movies, nay films, can be, there is a darker side. As it says in the Bible (or maybe it's Star Wars), you can't have good without evil. You can't have light without darkness. You can't have great without terrible. We desperately wish this wasn't the case with cinema.

Bad movies are ruining America. They're lowering people's expectations, tastes and IQ's. They're bastardizing a wonderful art form. They're making us question the future of the human race. (Yes, we know we can be a little dramatic, but we wait until we're tired and angry to write these posts. Somehow, it just feels right.)

And now, for your enjoyment, awareness, and education we'll list our most hated movies. We'll tell you why we hate them. We might even spoil the endings so that you're not even tempted to see them. Just don't ask us to tell you which one is worse than the others. They all suck.

Ben's Most Hated Movies:

Titanic

At one point the highest grossing movie ever. Is it still? Don't know. Don't care. All I know is that whenever I would hear that ungodly Celine Dion song I wanted to down a bottle of cyanide. This, to my recollection, was the first moment in my life that I refused to take part in something that the main-stream was thoroughly enjoying. I refused to go see the film. I'm sorry to say now that I eventually caved and ended up watching the movie on a date. Stupid girls. I've always regretted it. How much I would enjoy being able to say today that "I've never seen Titanic." I won't make that mistake again. (See Harry Potter) Titanic = bad dialogue, pointless nudity, some of the worst one-liners of our generation (you're not the effing king of the world), Leonardo DiCaprio's worst acting gig ever (and yet, the one that catapulted him to a certain level of super stardom), a great example of a film that's only "great" because enough money was thrown at it, and ammunition for all guys, everywhere, against women... She let go!

Not to mention... you did know, going into this movie, that everyone was going to die, right? It's the freaking Titanic.

Cross Dressing Comedies
Big Momma's House (1&2), Nutty Professor (1&2), White Chicks, The Hot Chick, Mrs. Doubtfire, Norbit, Madea's Family Reunion

Have I forgotten any? I'm sure I have. It's pretty satisfying to be able to kill 9 horrible movies with one stone, though. Since when did a man in a dress become instant comedy? The worst of it, in my eyes, is the volume of black comedians subjected to these rolls. If I were Al Sharpton, I would spend a little less time worrying about the "racism" of people like Don Imus and a little more time worrying about the degradation that occurs in the black community when thousands of people gather around a screen and laugh at black men in dresses.

I don't even know where to start here. Isn't it universally accepted that this is the bottom of the barrel? These aren't movies. They certainly aren't comedy. These are bad Laffy Taffy jokes, at best. Putting on a dress, and frequently a fat suit, doesn't equal funny. Funny equals funny. Can you have comedy with cross dressing? Sure. There are truly comedic moments in the history of film and television that involve cross dressing - namely, Monty Python and Arrested Development. But these moments are funny because of the great writing, great acting, great comedy, not because some dude is wearing a dress. Putting a guy in a dress, filming him, and then expecting laughter is not only insulting to my intelligence, it's ruining America.

And, if you're laughing at them, then so are you.

"Scary" Movies
Blair Witch Project, The Ring 2, The Grudge (1&2), Boogeyman, Dark Water, Saw 1-25, Hostel, Captivity, and on and on and on...

I do kind of feel like I'm cheating by including two genres on my list, but it is really hard to narrow this down. You'll also notice that I didn't include the first Ring. That's because I actually enjoyed that one. But, then again, that was before the cinematic saturation of young Asian girl "horror".

To be fair, the Saw franchise could probably carry this thing alone, but the tragedy is how eager we are to shell out our money to sit through these so called "scary movies". I think The Grudge is literally the same 10 minute scene shot at different angles and replayed 10 times. I can remember sitting in the theater during Blair Witch... laughing. It really was an amusing film to me. Some would probably credit it with opening new doors for film makers, or something idiotic like that, but the only thing that I give this movie credit for was conning millions of dollars out of our pockets. I do believe the first Saw had some of the worst acting I've ever seen in my life delivered by none other than the Dread Pirate Roberts (Cary Elwes) "You BASTARD!" Again... quite laughable. Captivity was actually nominated for 3 Razzies: Worst Actress, Worst Director, and Worst Excuse for a Horror Movie. It was then nominated for a Teen Choice Award for Choice Movie Actress: Horror/Thriller. See what these films are doing to the rising generation?

I see the same principle here as the comedies. Show us something stupid, expect us to laugh. Show us something gruesome, expect us to be scared. No plot necessary, don't worry about good dialogue, just be sure to kill a lot of people and make it as bloody as possible. If there's a young girl with a lot of dark hair covering her face... all the better.

Kyle's Most Hated Movies:

Pearl Harbor

I've only walked out of the theater during one movie in my entire life. Those of you who know me know I'm not a prude, so it wasn't due to excessive violence, language, coolness, cigarette smoking, etc. I didn't walk out because it was merely boring, as I enjoy a good nap as much as the next guy. I walked out because this movie was so lame, so offensively sappy, so inappropriately far away from what it should have been that I just couldn't stand it any longer. I'll give you a hint, there's an entire song in the Trey Parker/Matt Stone film Team America devoted to this movie's awfulness.

That's right, it's Pearl Harbor. Ugh.

My hatred for Michael Bay began with this absolute abortion of a film. First of all, Ben Affleck sucks. He's not good to watch in any role, let alone a romantic hero role. That was my first hint, before I'd even seen the movie, that it was going to be terrible.

Second of all, in a three-hour movie, how can only half an hour be devoted to the actual events of Pearl Harbor? Is the story of that fateful day so boring and lame that it just begs for a drawn out, painfully dull love story? And to make it a love triangle? Gag me with a freaking spoon. The real story of Pearl Harbor and its lasting impact is so interesting and powerful that it's a shame we saw so little of it. It's as if someone wrote a terribly boring love story/period piece, and then realized that people would pay to see it if the story was set around the Japanese attack on the Oahu harbor. The actual Pearl Harbor elements feel tacked on and superfluous, and they should be anything but.

Finally, I just really, really hate Ben Affleck. I feel justified in making that my first and last argument. He sometimes redeems himself in his buddy Kevin Smith's flicks, but he doesn't do it enough.

Holy crap, I really hate that movie. To this day, I've only seen the first and last half hour bits. That's more than enough.

Epic/Date/Scary/Superhero/Disaster Movie (Also, Meet the Spartans)

There's nothing inherently wrong with spoof movies. I'm a huge fan Monty Python, Mel Brooks and even David Zucker's earlier stuff. Flicks like the Life of Brian, Young Frankenstein and Airplane! are silly, full of references and extreme performances. But the thing is, they're also riotously funny, and they've become modern cinematic classics.

Today's spoof movies are a different animal altogether. Lazy, unfunny and uninspired, this newest wave of Naked Gun-wannabes can be seen as only aiming for one goal: striving for the lowest common denominator in taste, intelligence, and unfortunately, humor. I'm ashamed to admit that I've seen more than one of these terrible, awful films. I've spoken with my local clergy, and I feel that I've been absolved of these sins, but the painful memory remains.

I don't even want to talk about these anymore. I'll only advise you that, if you see any movie, regardless of specific title, that reminds you of one of these, run for the hills. That is, unless it came out before 1980, of course. (I know a previous post argued against such a mentality, but in this case, it's warranted!)

RENT

Here's the description I found on imdb.com:

Based on Puccini's 'La Boheme', 'Rent' tells the story of one year in the life of friends living the Bohemian life in modern day East Village, New York City, 1989-1990. Among the group are our narrator, nerdy love-struck filmmaker Mark Cohen; the object of Mark's affection, his former girlfriend, Maureen Johnson; Maureen's Harvard-educated public interest lawyer and lesbian lover Joanne Jefferson; Mark's roommate, HIV-positive musician and former junkie, Roger Davis; Roger's new girlfriend, the HIV-positive drug addicted S&M dancer, Mimi Marquez; their former roommate, HIV-positive computer genius Tom Collins; Collins' HIV-positive drag queen street musician/lover Angel; and Benjamin Coffin III, a former member of the group who married for money and has since become their landlord and the opposite of everything they stand for. Shows how much changes or doesn't change in the 525,600 minutes that make up a year.

I don't want to talk about that movie anymore. Couldn't hate it more.

And that's our (relatively) brief and very incomplete list. We'd like to thank all the good movies out there to give us something against which to compare these terrible, terrible pieces of garbage. We'll be back soon with yet another tirade against Things That Are Ruining America.

-b&k

So, yes, this movie is less based on and more inspired by the broken spirit of the book The Dark is Rising.

Despite all that, movie does have several things going for it, especially if you try to think of it as unrelated at all to the Susan Cooper books. The movie has Christopher Eccleston as a bad guy; some gorgeous direction that involves lots of dripping water and ominous flying crows; time travel, which is always fun, and, wait, did I mention Christopher Eccleston?

The book, however, oh, the book. The book is a story close to my heart, and it's a fantastic one, which makes a bad movie version hurt all the more. The Dark is Rising is the second in Susan Cooper's series of five books featuring Will Stanton, the Drew Children, and Bran Davies, who discover their own magical destinies, travel through time, fight the Dark, and save the world.

The Dark is Rising is primarily Will's story, in the days just after his eleventh birthday, and follows his discovery of his place as an Old One. He begins his search for the Circle of Signs to ward off the Dark, guided by Merriman (who we met in the first book of the series, Over Sea, Under Stone, where he acted the part of enigmatic, grandfather-like figure to the Drews.) This book has epic snowstorms, prophecy fulfillment, magical books, magical instruments, spooky (magical) masks, and tells a captivating story about how one boy's seemingly ordinary life is revealed to be part of a larger, mystical, very old story that's been going on underneath everything he knows.

You can read The Dark is Rising before Over Sea, Under Stone if you want to know about Will first and aren't immediately drawn to the Drew children, but it's important to know who they are before you get to Greenwitch, the third book, so you might as well read everything in order. And I do recommend you read them, because The Dark is Rising totally and absolutely wins in a battle with its movie counterpart. I'd suggest you watch The Seeker only if you're feeling Christopher Eccleston-withdrawal after finishing the first series of the new Doctor Who, or if you are strange and you enjoy watching book into movie disasters.

-Andrea

Ahem, sorry. Too much "Cheating Spouses Exposed!" on Maury. Got a little carried away with the dramatics.

I know I said I'd do a movie review a week here at the blog, but I've just been too busy doing high quality first-run movie reviews over at Den of Geek where an adoring audience of hundreds of people see my post titles and continue on about their day without stopping to read or comment, which is a refreshing change of pace from the usual troll I attract. Must be my pants made out of troll bait or my billy-goats Gruff shoes.

On that note, would you believe that I saw and loved the new Get Smart movie this weekend? No? Well, how about that Get Smart was the #1 movie at the box office this weekend? Well, what if I told you that one day I will eventually get back on my movie reviewing horse (I named him Horse With No Name) and ride out to Bad Horror Hill and shoot down the Bert I. Gordon gang, then review whatever awful movies I come across? Is that better?

I promise, one day soon I'll start reviewing more of the crap I smear on my eyeballs and force into my brain (thanks, TV!). Then after you read it and gouge out your eyes in horror at what I put myself through, you'll have no one to blame but yourselves for making me actually follow through on my dumb promise. Well, yourself and the Sci-Fi Channel, I guess. I swear, NBC Universal owns more bad movies than Lloyd Kaufman and Roger Corman put together, and I just.

Can't.

Stop.

Watching.

After getting stressed out on Friday afternoon (thanks Jiffy Lube on Nicholson Ln. ) I stopped by Ulta to look at some OPI nail polish colors I had been lusting over. Keyword in that sentence was look -- at most I was going to buy one polish only. I left with 8. Oopsie. :-)

Next morning, post-car thingys, I stopped by the completely wonderful store lucy. The Princess has been pimping this store for months, and we did stop by one last weekend, somewhere between a mojito and a margarita. It was awesome, but I was awesomely sweaty and didn't really try on anything.

I was less sweaty this time and the lucy in Rockville had a very nice sale selection going on. I picked up some dance and workout pants and lusted after some cute tops.

After lucy, I popped over to L St. in the District to get my eyebrows threaded. I had been hunting and researching different places when I found very good review about Threads. I figure the Post can't be wrong. Threads is seriously a hole in the wall place. Sandwiched in among outdoor cafes, you can easily walk past the sidewalk sign for the the palm reading psychic that has the Threads sign tucked underneath a crystal ball. Once you go up a flight of stairs you almost miss the 5x7 card on the door that announces you've found Threads.

Inside the bright yellow room are some Indian clothing for sale, some light refreshments and two salon chairs. The two little ladies that run the place do not waste their time. You're in and out in no time and look much better than when you went it. This was my first time threading and I will so be back. Less ouchy than waxing and way more precise.

Post-threading I picked up the Coach and my friend Gay-sian and booked it to the Ghetto. (more like sat in traffic. BW parkway lived up to the park part) We arrived in Mount Vernon, picked up some libations and headed to a friend's apt. to pick up the rest of our posse for parade watching. We were thisclose to actually being on a float in the parade, when a local bar owner who is friends w/ Senor S. invited us, but we were laded down w/ the beers.

The parade was fun and even though I wasn't at Capitol Pride, I think Balty Pride does a better show of it. And yes, I did just say something positive about Baltimore. After the parade (which had some very yummy guys strutting about), the block party begins. Very fun. We mingled, saw too many dudes that should have had their shirts on and too many dudes that should have had their shirts off, got hit on by some lesbians (apparently my belly dancing in the street to random music is a turn on) and joy of joys, ran into Summer Fling. Thankfully he didn't join our group and went on his merry way.

In between checking out the festival, we cooled off in a friends apt and watched a really bad movie on Sci-Fi about a giant squid in a lake that starred James Van Der Beek. The movie featured such scintillating dialog as "She's playing you like the biggest fish that ever bit." Poor Dawson.

Best thing about the weekend? My car was in Baltimore for an extended amount of time and still had all the windows intact when we left. Amazing!

I remember at one point leaning over to the person I was with and whispering what would later be the shocking twist-ending of the film.  The problem with this is twofold: 1) I said it in jest, not ever believing that my cockamamie idea would actually be the ending of the film and 2) I called the ending with roughly 45 minutes left in the movie.  Needless to say, I was very dissappointed when leaving the theatre that day.

The bitterness lasted awhile into 2006 when the trailer for his project Lady in the Water released.  I was smart enough to recognize how terribly awful the film would be based on the 2 minute trailer.  Critics widely panned the film and barely anyone saw it.  At this point in time, I figured M. Night was done as a movie maker.

Which brings to about 3-4 months ago, when the trailer for his current project The Happening surfaced.  It engaged from the moment I saw it, I was sucked in from the beginning.  Might M. Night have finally redeemed himself from the past 2 duds?

In a word: No.

The Happening was a mess, the film didn't seem organized, it was as if M. Night had 4 days to make the film.  The explanation for why people were dying seemed incredibly lame and a bit self-serving.   At one point I was actually hoping for a sci-fi reasoning, and those that know me know I hate deeply sci-fi material.  Those familiar with the cult classic Zoolander know that the irony behind Ben Stiller's Derek Zoolander character is that all of his "model" looks are the same.  Halfway through the film, I realized that Mark Wahlberg is the real Derek Zoolander because his look in the film does not change at all.

Get used to it because it's the same look for two hours.  Hey, M. Night, it's been a fun run but your time as a big-time director is up, enjoy directing episodes of awful reality tv shows or whatever else you will be relegated to do now that your movie-making career is in the tank.

Today I went with my best friend to have her final fitting of her wedding gown.

My father had his arraignment in MA for the bogus charges filed against him by the racist police in Falmouth. This weekend marks my parents 26th anniversary. This was supposed to be the year they went to Europe. Instead my father will probably call his skank of a girlfriend, and my mother will cry.

Hint to all men in the world. Be faithful. Don't cheat. It absolutely ruins everything.

I text the Vitiator today, because I miss him something terrible.

Me: I saw your doppleganger again today?

the Vitiator: Where?

Me: In Glendora on Lonehill, I let him cut in front of me in traffic.

the Vitiator: You're so good to us.

Then I went shopping and spent 70$ resupplying my hair products. 5 bottles of two types of gel. Two cans of hair spray. Conditioner and Shampoo. New razor blades. New whitening toothpaste. Lotion. Then I went to buy underwear for the wedding. A strapless bra I hope will work with my dress, and one of those thigh covering, tummy sucking in thingamabobs. Another 50 bucks.

Then tonight was the birthday celebration of a girl I've known since highschool. Her sister came and picked up me and my sister and then drove us to Versaille, a Cuban restaurant in Culver City. Absolutely yummtastic food. Yum Yum. Another 20 bucks.

I need gas in my car another 60 bucks

Pay off subtitute who covered for me another 60 bucks

Car Registration another 60 bucks

Parking ticket another 40 bucks

Summer Parking Permit another 90 bucks

Oil change another 40 bucks

There goes my entire IRS stimulus check. Damn it.

I am planning on going hiking this weekend to go look for froggy location sites. So far just Field guy and Red can come. LOL. Cosplay and Blondie both can't come. This may be an interesting weekend after all

I had Fro Yo last night with Babyhood and History. We did what we always do what we meet. Eat frozen yogurt and marvel at the choices our friends are making. We decided that we are the last single virgins we know. Therefore we have to hold the front, as History to appropriately said. So we hold the front. Babyhood had to leave early (haveing been woken up before 4am to help her sister with morning sickness). But History and I walked around the Barnes and Noble, and then sat by my car talking until 12:30am. She has boy issues. One that seems to like her, but is not making a serious move, and another who is flirting something hectic, but has a quasi-girlfriend. We discuss this, and I just sit and listen and listen.

Honestly, I know I probably won't get a boyfriend until I lose weight. I'm not crazy fat or anything. But guys are just so damn shallow, and I can't help but notice a trend, that all the girls in a relationship, engaged or married, are <8 in size. I'm not an 8. Haven't been since I was 16 for goodness sake. But my mother wanted to wake me up to go walking tomorrow. And I said no. I don't want to walk with her. Not because I don't want to exercise, but because I don't want to talk with her about my Dad. I'm sick of it. I"m tired. I can't handle it. I don't like hearing about it all the freaking time. I don't want to start off my day that way. I'm sorry. I don't.

I'm supposed to go swimming with D tomorrow. Then I remembered I need to clean out the garage and take home the secretary who is bringing my Dad's truck back. Ugh. I hate cancelling fun plans.

I'm getting to the point in the night where I am so tired everything looks grim, so I'll stop writing before I get even more morose.

At least my chicken, moro, rice and avocado were amazing, as was the sangria.

Did I mention I miss the Vitiator?

CAPTION:  Run, run away from the bad director.

My Mood Ring Indicates Laughter, 17 June 2008

Author: David H. Schleicher from New Jersey, USA

Some mysterious "event" causes people in the Northeast to start killing themselves (loved the Philadelphia Zoo scene!) and forces an unhappy couple (Mark Whalberg and Zooey Deschanel) to work on their marriage problems lest they die. The audience is put on the ground level as people react in different ways to the impending doom and the need to escape creates heightened paranoia. The half-decent set-up combined with an unintentionally funny screenplay make M. Night Shyamalan's eco-disaster flick The Happening the most entertaining bad movie you'll see all year.

Shyamalan has developed into a truly unique breed of director over the past decade. He's capable of crafting a decent thriller (The Sixth Sense) but he's also been responsible for one the worst films ever made (Signs) and some of the dumbest movies I have ever seen (Wide Awake and Lady in the Water). Whereas his tactics in Signs made me angry, I noticed something in Lady in the Water that gave me a perverse sense of hope. That film was so bad, it was almost good. With The Happening, Shyamalan has finally crossed that threshold, and he's done it without irony or camp. He takes himself dead seriously, and he's crafted the crap in The Happening beautifully. Special nods go to cinematographer Tak Fujimoto (who has become the premier photographer of trees and grass blowing in the wind) and James Newton Howard's excellent film score.

In Shyamalan's "Twilight Zone" universe, the scenes meant to be suspenseful or scary are instead hilarious, the moments meant to be emotional become banal, and the lines meant to be funny fall completely flat. The dialog in The Happening is so bad I think the academy should go back and take away his best screenplay nomination for The Sixth Sense. Watching poor Mark Whalberg (completely unbelievable as a science teacher who figures out what is happening) give what is possibly the worst performance of the last ten years makes you wonder how Shyamalan was ever able to direct Toni Collette and Haley Joel Osment to Oscar nods. Shyamalan leaves his cast, like the plants in the film, to blow in the wind without giving them a single helpful direction.

Despite all this, I have to admit I loved every stupid piece of this movie from Zooey Deschanel's high-as-a-kite performance to the mood ring to Mark Whalberg talking to a potted plant to the crazy old lady in the woods to the people walking backwards. Shyamalan has performed a miracle by finally crafting another film that is suspenseful, but in all the wrong ways. When I wasn't busy laughing, I was on the edge of my seat wondering when the film would finally dive off the deep end into complete idiocy, and it did in that "rifle" scene on the porch of the boarded-up house. Unlike an Uwe Boll who never showed a lick of talent, or a Michael Bay who has some technical skills but edits his films to the point of being unwatchable, Shyamalan has become an awful director whose films are completely watchable...and dare I say it...enjoyable.

Originally Published on the Internet Movie Database:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0949731/usercomments-437

But watching The Happening was like a very tired person unable to sleep - waiting for something exciting to Happen for one hour and half, only to see the end credits roll. To his credit, he had a good premise - toxic air causing unexplained "happenings," albeit a laughable Happenings. But having a science teacher as the main character (Mark Walhberg) and not having him do anything remotely science-y is just absurd and insulting to the audience. Without exaggeration, this is the worst horror/thriller movie I have ever seen and that just makes me want to kill M. Night Shyamalan since I can't ask for a refund. 

My friend took me to see this film and paid for it but I couldn’t be more infuriated than if I had paid this Shamalam asshole my hard-earned money. He is a thief and the worst writer I have ever seen write multimillion dollar movies. What is more outrageous is how this con-man is allowed to make films while hundreds of fantastic scripts languish in some talented screenwriter’s hard-drive and a bigger number of gifted directors are out of work. I digress...

See The Happening only if you are a student of cinematography, which isn't Shyamalan's work; otherwise avoid This Not 'Happening' film at all cost. I guess this may arouse some people's cat-like curiosity to see just how bad this movie is, but if this is the case, wait for the dvd release or google is at your finger tips. Use your imagination, my friend. 

And yes, M. Night Shyamalan Must Die. 

The movie begins with an idyllic tableau of Central Park: dog-walkers, joggers, bench-sitters, all blissfully unaware of the sinister breeze in the canopy of trees above them. Suddenly a bench-sitter removes her hair pin and stabs herself in the neck. Cut to a construction site, where four workers sharing a crude joke witness a fellow employee crash to the ground. Another body falls, then another, and soon it's raining men. (The picture of these men stepping off the girders into a free fall, with its echoes of 9/11, is the creepiest scene in the movie.)

What's going on here? The premise might have been intriguing on paper. And by moving into R-rated territory, Shyamalan gets a little extra juice out of some grisly deaths, with results ranging from effective (one death involves a lawnmower) to unintentionally comical (a zookeeper meandering into the lion's den). But mostly this film is a stinker.

If you really need a lyrically apocalyptic fix, read The Road. Or, if you hate books, wait until November.

Both The Happening and the upcoming film version of The Road do beg the question: Why does the end of the world happen in Pennsylvania?

And memo to aspiring actors/actresses who want to appear in an upcoming Shyamalan movie: 1) Practice making your eyes look extremely big in the mirror (like Zooey).

2) Stand in place for long periods of time, gazing fearfully into the distance.

3) Even better, do this in large groups.

Congratulations! You've just been cast in his next film. But we won't be watching it, unless you pay us.