I can't believe my arms have not held you both for five years.

I don't feel either of you around me like I've read others say they do.  I don't know why I don't, shouldn't I feel something.  

A psychic kind of person once told me this was because you would both be coming back to me in the forms of other children??  I don't know if this it true, but I hope it is...

What do you both look like now?  Are you pretty little dark haired girls, your brothers are dark so I'm assuming you both would be too...

At around 2pm this afternoon I was trying to remember what exactly I was doing at that time 5 years ago.  I can't remember.  You were born at 6 and 6.03pm on that Monday evening and we found out at around 9am that same morning that things weren't looking good.  I can't remember what we did for that whole day.   Its like that day is missing.  That must have been one of the longest days of our lives and I can't recall how we passed the time.  I do remember we settled on names and prayed and hoped for a miracle, but really for 9 hours of that day things seemed to have been on hold.

I pray my sweet angels, that you know that we love you.  I hope you can feel the love and longing I have for you both.  Can you hear my thoughts when I see other 5 year old girls playing with your brother and wish that he had his own two sisters to play with?

I love you both as much today as I did 5 years ago, maybe more.  When I hold your little brother in my arms, I try to imagine sometimes that it is one of you and that for that moment in time all of this was a bad dream.

Sleep tight my precious girls, Mummy loves you very much xo

Nurse Tara gently picked up Tanner and swaddled him in a blankie and took him to another room to be cleaned. That was our wish. I am completely blank as to what I was thinking about when Tanner was in the other room. I am not confused as to the emotion I was feeling though....EXCITED. Even though I had been told he was dead I was very excited to see him. Tanner is our first born child and created by us.

I asked my mother in law what she saw and she said he looked like a baby and that the umbilical cord was very visible. Yes very visible because it was wrapped around his tiny neck 3 times and then around his arm/shoulder area. It was apparent what killed him.

Nurse Tara came back into the room and in her angelic voice told us what to expect. Because of the lack of oxygen for some time, his lips would be a crimson color and Tanner's skin somewhat delicate with a tear by his nose and eye. Bruises on his body from the umbilical cord. This was all happening before the doctor arrived because Tanner came as such a surprise.

I am so thankful for nurse Tara to have taken so many pictures of us holding our sweet angel Tanner. Who would have thought it would be like this. Isn't he just perfect.

The Birth of My Stillborn Baby-Part 1

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

Here is a list of possible craft supplies you will need:

• A glass jar with lid
• Colored paper, stickers, and magazine pictures
• Elmers glue (dries clear)
• Paint brush
• White spray paint
• Glitter
• Decoupage
• Dried flowers
• A button
• Cotton balls
• Needle and thread
• Hot glue gun
• Ribbon and cording
• Piece of cardboard
• Small piece of fabric

First, select a glass container you would like to use as your Angel Jar. I am using an instant coffee jar.

Next, tear the colored paperand magazine pictures you have selected and adhere with elmer's glue to the jar making sure to overlap.

I used green and yellow colored craft paper and pictures of flowers from a calendar. Paint on the glue to adhere your dried flowers. The blooms can be gathered from your child's memory garden or even wildflowers on the side of roads. The smaller the better for this size project. Foliage is also used.

Butterfly stickers were placed onto the torn colored paper.

Don't worry if the flowers are sticking out a bit, the decoupage solution will seal them in later steps. I wanted to mute and soften the intense colors of the flowers so I used white spray paint. Hold the jar 2 feet away and gently shower the jar with the spray paint. It gives the Angel Jar a cloudy look.

Let the jar dry completely. Now begin designing the lid. Place the lid upside down onto a piece of cardboard and trace. I used a shoe box. 

Cut out the circle and make sure to cut a little smaller to properly fit on your lid. Poke a small hole in the center for a needle and thread later on.

Gather your cotton balls on top and you may hot glue them, but it isn't needed.

Cut your piece of material a bit larger than your circle. I have selected my grandmothers handkerchief because I just love the delicate fabric and the fact I am able to use them in crafts. Hot glue the fabric at one point and make sure it dries before moving on so you can pull it tight.

Pull tight and glue the next point directly across from the first. Keep moving around until the fabric is all secured.

You will not see this part, so do not worry about how it looks. Place the button you have chosen in the middle and sew into place. I made only one trip through with the thread and hot glued into place on the ugly side. Take your cording, ribbon or rope and glue onto the lid. This will hide any imperfections. I also glued a pink ribbon onto the lid under the cording.

When your Angel Jar is completely dry it is time for glitter and decoupage. I used my paint brush to gently apply the decoupage. This substance will seal your Angel Jar and protect the dried flowers. While still wet, white glitter was applied to the jar.

Because I have many memorial keepsakes for Tanner, I have wrapped one of his necklaces around the lid. It is a charm of a little boy with his gemstone, sapphire.

Angel Jars for Angel Pennies is another way we can create awareness of pregnancy and infant loss and remember our children. They are still a part of our families, even in their absence. Donate your angel pennies to your favorite charity on October 15th ( pregnancy and infant loss awareness day) or your child's angelversary.

There are many different ways to create Angel Jars. Tear family photographs, gemstone colored papers, family fingerprints, sentimental pictures, pictures of the season your angel passed and others.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

Occasionally, Birth would rear her mysterious and mythological head and the birth that had been planned would unfold much differently: perhaps in a hospital instead of at home. Perhaps with an epidural asked for during the spirit-compressing moments of transition. Or perhaps with a baby removed from a cut in the belly instead of slipping through the yielding folds of a yoni. In those such instances, I understood the mamas who mourned a different rite of passage, one they had not anticipated or maybe had not been emotionally prepared for. Grateful to hold my healthy baby, I was one of those mamas.

I walked my healing journey knowing all along that the light at the end of the tunnel was actually the baby in front of my face. Indigo functioned as a safety net for my grief, a tangible being I could kiss and embrace even in the shivering depths of any mourning. I didn’t need to walk far on this healing path, nor alone, for I had her at my side. But the shell kept me safe, expanding even to make room for this new life in my arms.

But the world I lived in was rocked on May 5, 2007 when a radiant friend of mine experienced the too-early birth of her twins.

On June 15^th, just six weeks later, it was shaken again to its core when her Liam’s heart stopped beating and he joined the light that filters through the trees. Ripe with my own child, my Indigo was to greet me - covered in blood and my grateful breathe and joyous tears - only 8 days later. Some of the tears I wept would fall just for Liam and for his baby-lost mama.

But then on July 29^th, as I lay in bed nursing Indigo, I could barely hold the shell of my home up as I learned of another mama-friend who welcomed her sleeping baby into the world with a river of grief. Ferdinand had already begun his star travels, as his mama wailed for her only son, the one she’d never nurse.

I still live in a remnant of that shell, only it’s been cracked and broken and battered with the raw words and mourning of these mamas. I cling to the pieces still intact. Sometimes, Liam’s light pours through those holes, snaking its way into my heart like heat from the sun. Other times, the glowing dust from Ferdinand’s star sprinkles down onto the top and covers my home with magic and projected longing.

Holding a living baby in one arm, and the weary heart of a childless mama in another, is like being the fulcrum of a balance scale. Constant attempts to meet equilibrium are fought by the forces upon each end of the scale: do I grab on tighter to my baby or surrender some of that attachment in order to be fully present for my friends? And yet I realize that the childless mama must feel the same; having to carry the weight of a never-known baby on one side and a desire to function in a world without solid answers on the other. And I think, is equilibrium even a reality or a possibility?

I feel twinges of guilt and confused conviction over my now-quieter – but still deeply impressed - belief in the power of our birth experiences. The riveting births I bear witness to keep my conviction from falling to pieces, but how long until another devastating loss sends me questioning my inherent belief for good? I hold the space at this precise moment for a mama walking her own labyrinth of healing, fresh from the twisted fate of a birth experience that left her with a healthy baby yet a tangled heart. Guilt washes over me when I breathe a sigh of relief over the long straw I drew to birth a healthy baby. And yet I will choose this guilt every day – every moment – over the indescribable heaviness of baby loss that I can only glimpse between the words my friends have written. The point is, I recognize that I even have a choice.

For those mamas who don’t have this choice, I honor them tonight with the flame of a single candle on the eve of the launch of this tender web-space: Glow in the Woods.

For Liam, Ferdinand, Finn, little A., Maddy, Niobe’s twin spirit-babies. For all mamas who wander this earth hoping to sneak a peek of their lost babies around a corner, or in the sky, or in the eyes of their subsequent – or surviving – children.

For all of humanity, that their words link us together in the monochromatic canopy of grief and the technicolor glimmer of hope.

We are moths to the flames of their Glow.

“It was still quite light out of doors, but inside with the curtains drawn and the smouldering fire sending out a dim, uncertain glow, the room was full of deep shadows.” - Kate Chopin

I think it was just seeing their name??  As the time goes by sometimes it almost seems like I dreamed them and maybe they never were here??  Then seeing someone write their names and refer to them just hit my heart for a six. 

I hate that this pain never goes away, yet I'm afraid that one day it might.

I hate that we lost our babies, but I thank the lord that they existed at all...

I hate that my son says he'd like a sister, when he already has two, he just can't see them, play with them or hug them.

Right now I have that terrible ache that goes right up your throat and feels like it might choke me.  Its so weird how out of know where these feelings can come to the surface when you least expect them...

Come to me in my dreams tonight my sweet girls, let me hold you in my arms again xo

In the weeks after the loss of your friend's baby, precious memories will be created for her to remember a child forever loved.

The suggestions are that of my own after loosing my stillborn son Tanner and hearing other stories of bereaved mothers at support groups, church functions and other experiences.

You already know your friend on an intimate level and the loss of her baby will allow you to grow even closer. It is frightening to imagine the loss of your own child, but your pain and your strength can comfort your girlfriend who needs you.

Some Suggestions to Help:

• Call her on the phone and listen to her story over and over again
• Visit her in the home
• Offer to accompany her to a support group for pregnancy and infant loss
• Have a mass or service said in honor of her child and invite her family
• Let her grieve in her way unless it is hurtful to others or herself
• Don't be afraid to say her child's name fearing that she may cry
• Let her and her family withdraw from baby showers, birthday parties and other festive events given by others for a length of time
• Purchase a Bible or other inspirational book to comfort her
• Purchase angel mementos or other gifts reminiscent of her baby
• Purchase scented candles, perfume or other fragrances reminiscent of the season her baby passed
• Purchase a soothing music cd
• Don't give advice because this can be interpreted in a negative way
• Take her for a walk in the park to breath in nature and photograph the beautiful sky while remembering her sweet child
• Send a "Thinking of You" card on the baby's angelversary or birthday
• Offer to babysit her other children so she can may time alone to grieve
• Bring meals for the family
• Light a candle on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day
• Create a handmade pregnancy and infant loss ribbonfor her refrigerator
• Help her create memorial scrapbook pages for her angel baby
• Help her create a memory garden at her home or church
• Write a special poem
• Help her with the funeral or memorial service arrangements
• Help her create a shadow box for mementos
• Purchase a journal for special words to her baby
• Create care packages for the homeless honoring her infant
• Here are additional ideas you to help your friend create memorials for her baby forever in her heart

 I hope these suggestions help to comfort your girlfriend in one of the most tragic events of her life. If she is taking prescription medication for her grief, do not take what she says to heart. Grieving is hard work and bereaved parents may not understand what is happening in their worlds. Be Understanding, Be There and Be Her Friend.

If you are a bereaved mommy or daddy and would like to share the words or actions that gave you some comfort during the time of your child's passing, you are welcome to do so in the comment box below.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

Soon afterwards the anesthesiologist inserted the needle into my back to numb my lower extremities. All this activity was performed quietly while my supportive family stood in the room by my side. I did not want the television on or any other distractions for fear of missing something.

The nurse was to be relieved by another and I felt panicked about the change. I truthfully did not want her to leave because we had been through so much in this short amount of time. Nurse Tara  would be the angel to put the first hands upon my son.

I was immediately comforted by her presence. She was kind, spoke softly and made sure my family was comfortable by offering the room next door as sleeping quarters for my in-laws. She informed me that the white rose taped to the door was to let other staff members know what was happening in our room. I think my father-in-law used it because we were all very tired being up all night.

The hours dragged by with great anticipation of the pitocin to take effect helping Tanner on his way. I asked Nurse Tara how long this will take and what do I do. She couldn't answer how long we would have to wait but kindly brought a green satin box for me. Inside this box were things I never thought I would ever have to touch.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

• The Birth of My Stillborn Baby- Part 1
• The Birth of My Stillborn Baby- Part 2
• The Birth of My Stillborn Baby- Part 3
• The Birth of My Stillborn Baby- Part 4
• The Birth of My Stillborn Baby- Part 5
• The Birth of My Stillborn Baby- Part 6

A poem may seem like something you could not possibly accomplish for your bereaved friend, but you can. Poems can come straight from your heart embracing all the love you and your friend has for her baby so sadly missed.

I wrote a very simple poem just days after the stillbirth of my son,"Proud Father and Stillborn Son Share Birthday's". This poem consists of short words or phrases lined down the page capturing the feelings I had at that time.

My girlfriend wrote a poem or short story about our stillborn son, Tanner. Receiving this "Love Memorial™" from her absolutely touched me beyond words. She loves him too. "If He Could Tell You...".

Journaling is such a healing activity. It provides an outlet to express your emotions that sometimes are difficult to say in words. If you wrote in your journal about the loss of your friend's baby, go back and read it again. Now read an entry about your bereaved friend weeks, days or months later. Did the two of you have coffee at your favorite restaurant? Did you take a walk in the park? Did you provide her a shoulder to lean on? Did you think about what your friend's baby is doing in heaven? Was there a song or soothing music cd you purchased for her? Now think about how your relationship with your girlfriend has changed for the better. Maybe it's the closeness you feel towards her and the loss of her child.

These are all things to embrace when you are composing a poem for your grieving friend. Don't think this is an overwhelming task. Gather all the information about the deceased infant and your friend before beginning your poem. Start by selecting the important words describing your feelings for her baby, her wonderful and nurturing characteristic and how her baby may have touched your heart if the child was here. This heartfelt poem will be a "Love Memorial™" treasured for life.

To help you even further, you may want to view, "The Season Your Baby Died and Became an Angel", "Photographs Remembering Angels-Sky Journals", and "Zodiac Signs for Miscarried Babies".

Your beautiful words can be added to the child's scrapbooks or shadowboxes as a tribute to your friend and her beloved angel baby.

A poem of hope to my baby Tanner

While we were dreaming of your baby ways

God was planning your heavenly days

While we wept when we were alone

God rejoiced because you were home

Loving you always my little Tanner Nanner

Love Mommy

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

Statuary, Garden Fountains, Monuments, and other pieces for your angel's memory garden should be properly placed within your landscapes to add beauty and serenity. There is a correct way to install your angel babies' statuary to avoid a cluttered and detached garden. I hate to be a stickler, but you really don't want your child's statue leaning to one side or placed in the garden without being complimented by beautiful plants.

Without getting too technical, garden statues, monuments and art pieces should adhere to some principals and elements of good design. Most pieces are focal points or accents within the gardens. In other words, your eye is drawn to the most unique element of a garden first. This is called the focal point. An accent piece is the secondary visual to compliment the focal statuary or fountain. In a relatively small area there should be only one focal point and possibly 2 or 3 accents. The cross in Tanner's garden is our focal point and other smaller statues are the accents.

For a better understanding, think about focal points within residential homes. Fireplaces, tabletop centerpieces or a painting on a wall could be focal points. These focal points do not stand alone, or shouldn't and are usually complimented with accessories. The accessories used in the landscape and gardens are plants. The objective is to soften the art pieces, fountains and statuary by using plants to create a beautiful unity to the earth. This will give your garden a more natural scenario. Creeping Jenny is a plant used here to create a bed of soft green leaves for the angel baby statue to lie upon.

Plants are also used to draw your eye into the piece called an allee. Many people create an allee to highlight their homes by lining the drive with many trees of the same variety. An allee of lavender brings your eye to the angel statue at the end of the walk.

It won't matter if you paid $1000 for your babies' water feature, memorial statue, or monument if it is installed incorrectly by standing crooked. A good solid base is needed for your babies' art piece. We in Greensboro, NC are prone to drought-like conditions where the ground dries up and shrinks the soil structure. This will cause garden art to sink and become cockeyed. Think about a concrete slab, compacted stone gravel or another hard material that will not give way to the weight of your child's focal point.

Remember these suggestions for your babies' garden statue:

• Provide a strong base
• Use plants to visually connect your piece to the earth
• Use plants to soften your monument at the base or cascading down its sides
• Use plants to draw your eye by creating an allee
• Provide year-round color by incorporating annuals with your child's art piece (In the Greensboro, NC area we have pansies in the winter and whatever our hearts desire for summer annuals)

There are more suggestions on remembering your baby that has passed from miscarriage, SIDS, stillbirth and other tragic pregnancy and infant losses at "The Season your Baby Died and Became and Angel", "Zodiac Signs and Gemstones for Miscarriage and Pregnancy Losses", and "Planting Helleborus in Gardens Remembering Babies".

"Pregnancy Loss Memory Gardens Blooming White" provides many plant varieties to use in a babies' garden. There is nothing purer than a sweet little baby.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above http://www.justacloudaway.com/

Diana

If you have lost a baby or early pregnancy loss, spreading awareness is recognized by displaying pink and blue ribbons. I will show you how to create magnetic handmade ribbons, honoring your precious baby.

This craft is not difficult and could  be given to grieving parents as a remembrance tribute or Love Memorial™ for their baby.

Materials needed:

• Cardboard
• Trace paper or thin paper
• Soft pencil
• Something to cut on
• Exacto blade
• Scissors
• Glue
• White, Pink or Blue yarn
• Stickers (blue and pink)
• White paint
• Paint Brush
• Glitter (blue and pink)
• Decoupage

You will find that other materials will work just as well. These are just suggestions. This craft project will take no more than 2 hours, not including drying time.

On your piece of trace paper, sketch out a ribbon. You may even find one to actually trace, being the desired size. It doesn't have to be perfect, we can adjust later.

Now darken the ribbon, outlining the shape.

Flip the trace paper over onto your piece of cardboard or another sturdy board. Go over the ribbon with your pencil so the image is now on the cardboard.

Lay the cardboard on a cutting surface. Gently take your exacto or razor blade to cut out your babies ribbon. Don't worry about rough edges.

Take a nail file to smooth the edges. It won't really matter because we will cover it later. I am just a perfectionist at times.

This is where we personalize the ribbons for our children. Yes, the colors should be pink and blue pastels, but doesn't need to be a solid color. The season your child passed, their zodiac sign or gemstone, the nursery color, and other elements can help you choose stickers reminiscent of your precious baby. Make sure half is blue and the other pink. Let the stickers hang over the sides, we'll fix it. Turn the ribbon over and take your exacto blade or scissors to trim off any excess sticker.

Place your ribbon on a paper plate of your choice. I favor the elephant style plates. This is done to catch any excess glitter, not to waste an ounce. You may want to place a small amount of glue on the plate and mix in a drop of water. This consistency is easier to work. Any areas not covered with a sticker, paint with glue. Only do one color glitter at a time so they won't mix. Both the glitters I have used are mostly white with hints of blue or pink. Sprinkle the glitter and gently tap off into the plate and return to glitter container. Now do the same for the other side.

Now choose a yarn that is thick enough to completely cover the edges of the cardboard. You want to start this process when you have uninterrupted time. Begin the yarn at an intersection, shown above. Carefully glue and push the yarn onto the glue. This will take a few minutes.

If you want to seal the ribbon for protection, paint on the decoupage substance and let dry for a few  hours. Turn your beautiful ribbon onto the reverse side to glue on magnets.

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, with the 15th being the actual day. If creating this craft is not possible, ribbons are available for purchase on the Internet.

Enjoy making your angel baby's ribbon. We are  creating the awareness our children deserve.

For other simple crafts visit Easy Scrapbooking Ideas for Memorial Pages.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana 

If a child died early in pregnancy or as an infant, think about planting a Star Magnolia Tree in their Memory Gardens. Some bereaved parents may have chosen the star as the theme, symbolizing their precious baby. Even if a memory garden is not considered, this memorial tree to honor a little angel can be planted alone.

Star Magnolias (scientific name-Magnolia Stellata) are small deciduous (loose their foliage in the winter) trees growing 10-15 feet in height and 7-10 feet in width.

This dainty and open tree has white, strap-like petals forming star-shaped blooms in early spring. There are other varieties being developed in order to escape early frosts like "Royal Star", also having fragrant flowers.

This is a perfect plant to place alongside of a patio, providing dabbled shade and one of the first blooms for your enjoyment.

Overall care for Star Magnolia trees are minimal. The tree is  slow growing, prefers sunny areas, requires little to no pruning, and a moderate supply of water. When this plant has all of its foliage, it is considered a very course textured because the individual leaves are 3-4 inches in length. The foliage also turns a yellow/brown color in the fall.

I personally love the short period of time the flowers start to emerge from the bud. A soft and fuzzy casing gently opens to reveal the pinkish colored flower petals shown below.

This beautiful process occurs early in spring and is a taste of other transformations just days away, like warmer temperatures.

If spring is a significant time reminiscent of your angel, install other plant material with early blooms beneath the tree. Since the Star Magnolia has such a course textured leaf, think about planting something with a fine texture for contrast. some f my suggestions are; crocus and daffodil bulbs, creeping phlox, or pansies (depending on your plant zone). Other plant with evergreen foliage that would work are; candytuft, dianthus or lemon thyme.

If you are thinking about buying a Star Magnolia tree for greiving parents of pregnancy or baby loss make sure they have a place to plant the tree, soil and mulch. This remembrance gift will be located at your local nurseries but before purchasing make sure the plant can be lifted out of the container with ease. It should not have roots sticking out and the soil should not fall apart when lifted. The limbs should not have any injuries and leaves should not have black spots. I love this plant for its ease and what it offers.

Plant a Star for your Angel.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above   www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

I never wanted to put anything away after the stillbirth of our son Tanner. He has changed my life beyond words and the thought of his keepsakes and special mementos not being displayed was not an option. His beautiful shadowbox hangs in our family room for all to see, designed by me and built by my husband.

My husband is my handyman and I have the creative brain that never takes a break. The style of our family room is more relaxed and casual where Tanner's box is displayed. It is the shabby chic ambiance, in other words, placing affordable findings using the principals and elements of good design.

Some fathers of pregnancy and infant loss may find comfort in building a special box for their angels. Grieving between men and woman are so different and participation in one activity honoring a deceased child could give a platform for open communication. Your baby's box will have a piece of mommy and daddy in its creation.

The materials used were; a window, odd lumber, screws, new hinges, malted milkshake paint and bead-board. We found these treasures on the curbside or in my husband's uncle's barn. The tools used were; a level, tape measure, paint brush, skill saw, power drill and open fire. Yes, an open fire was used to burn the hinges. Being new, they were a bit on the shiny side and did not have the desired patina. We threw them into the fire to singe and they turned out nicely.

This shadowbox is a very sacred piece of art. It contains, one of a kind memorials, his small amount of ashes, the clothes he wore (with a little blood stain) and all of the things only for my little baby Tanner.

The grief of losing Tanner was also the energy provided to create many memorials for him, including a memory garden.

Part of our healing journey was to "do" things honoring him. If you do not feel this is an activity to be accomplished with ease, ask a friend or family member to help design and construct the shadowbox. Maybe mommy and daddy could shop for just the right color paint for your baby's box. Other suggestions are embellishments to adhere to the exterior of the box like flat wood cutouts available at craft stores. Stars, fish, moons, rattles, flowers, letters and many others can be painted and attached to the outside of the shadowbox to personalize for your baby. Here is a shadowbox smaller in size.

If your baby died early in pregnancy as miscarriage, ectopic or molar pregnancy or other tragic losses you can still provide a place for their things. Please visit other articles to help you, "Sky Journals" and "Zodiac Signs for Pregnancy Loss".

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

Not only is the date of a baby or child's death an emotional time for bereaved parents, also the season. Anxiety is usually present long before the tragic angelversary. The colors, the temperature, the amount of daylight, the landscape and possibly the holiday (songs and music playing on the radio) that are associated with the infants passing. Early pregnancy losses may even be overlooked by those surrounding greiving families.

Christmas is reminiscent of my girlfriends miscarried baby, Valentine's Day is reminiscent of my girlfriend's stillborn son, summer is the season of my girlfriend's ectopic pregnancy, springtime is reminiscent of my girlfriend's aborted baby of 15 years ago and autumn is reminiscent of my stillborn son's death.

It is never expected for others to know the intense grief of loosing a baby or the altered vision as a family together, just acknowledgement of pain and their sweet child.  Maybe you thought about your child playing with mine, maybe you thought about sharing toys and clothes, maybe you thought about another grandchild attending church with you, maybe you thought about hanging another stocking for them, maybe you thought about having another niece or nephew to buy presents for, maybe you thought about just loving another child within the circle of your life. Ignoring death can lead to hostile feelings because in a way, the choice has been made to minimize their baby. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness is gaining momentum, but we have a long way to go. The month of October is not only for us, but also Cancer Awareness, sometimes overshadowing our babies. Many pink ribbons are distributed, but when you see a pink and blue ribbon, babies are remembered too.

Our seasons are just as important for remembering our children no longer with us. Every autumn is bittersweet for me. I was pregnant soon after the death of my son with another boy. My living son and my deceased son's birthday's(also my husband's birthday) are 2 weeks apart. I grieve first for my angel, I then must prepare for my living child's birthday party and hayride.

I am not looking for closure and I am not looking for sympathy, I am looking for acknowledgement of my deceased child that has blessed me beyond words. Don't be afraid to mention his name. Yes, a tear may fall, but it would mean so much. If you don't have the strength to do so, include his name in the cards you send me, please.

If you send a sympathy card or "Love Memorial™", think about the child's season too. Beautiful seasonal images can be incorporated into scrapbooks and memory gardens for babies gone too soon.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

Daffodil bulbs could be included in a sympathy basket for families grieving the loss of their angel or even given on their babies angelversary. They are easy to grow, not bothered by squirrels, can be placed indoors or in outside containers, and can be planted in almost every plant zone. The best reason to plant a daffodil bulb for your baby in heaven is for its first blooms that break ground giving a ray of much needed sunshine from a long, gloomy winter. Because I drool over any plant, the moment I see the foliage peeking through the mulch is when my spirits are lifted, knowing spring is but a breath away.

Daffodils come in different sizes, flower color and shape, fragrance and bloom times. If the correct bulbs are selected, your daffodils may start blooming in February (February Gold) on through until the beginning of May.

One great feature of a daffodil or narcissus is the property to naturalize, meaning it multiplies. More and more plants will come up year after year. This magnificent display can be photographed for your babies scrapbook. Make sure you love this plant before purchasing because you will have a difficult time removing them once established.

The one thing that bothers me about this plant is how sad it looks after the blooms have faded. The foliage then turns brown and flops over. When this happens I rake back the mulch around the plants and step on the leaves so they bend over. The foliage is now parallel to the ground and I cover them back up with the mulch (and maybe add a little more). You want to leave the foliage in tact for an amazing display of flowers the following year.

For me, there is a connection between the first emerging flower of the new year and the feelings I have for my stillborn son. In a way, Tanner is letting me know that there is hope and joy for us. Winter and feelings associated with the cold and dark days need to exist for us to truly appreciate what we are blessed with. There is a time to sleep and there is a time to live. I see the foliage today:)

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

Plants

Plants have more to offer than just the flowers. Candytuft is small in size with a mounded shape, feathery and soft appearance throughtout the year, has no insect or disease problems and is evergreen. It is exceptional in spring when the blooms emerge. 3 to 5 Candytuft plants in a group will create a beautiful display to be enjoyed from a distance. White daffodils 1 foot or greater in height can even be planted under the Candytuft plant creatinig a more dramatic display for you and your angel.

We planted several Candytuft plants around the perimeter of Tanner's garden to create a soft edge between his garden and the grassy areas. This is a very affordable plant to purchase as a sympathy gift for families grieving pregnancy or baby loss. It can also be placed into a clay or concrete pot. For ideas on how to personalize outdoor containers please visit "Zodiac Signs  for Miscarriage and Pregnancy Losses" on this blog

Additional Memory Gardens ideas are found throughtout the blog and http://justacloudaway.com/kits/index.html. These suggestions are to help you and family members create memorial tributes honoring little angels gone too soon.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

Your baby is not joining us here and became a precious angel.

Then you no longer look pregnant and you do not have the extra baggage of a baby in a carrier to lug around. It is just you. The first visit to the grocery store without your baby and a deflated belly and the cashier looks at me with no words being spoken and tears fill her eyes because she can see a very sad and lonely mother. A mother who very much wanted to have her baby here.

When I no longer looked pregnant I tried everything to let the world know that just because I no longer look pregnant and didn't have to carry my baby that I DID HAVE A BABY AND HIS NAME IS TANNER. I am a mother and he is my child.

My mother purchased perfume viles where I placed some of Tanner's ashes. They are blue glass and beautiful, image of the vile here http://justacloudaway.com/nav-sidebar-ideas/additional_ideas.html. People asked about the viles and if I felt like it I would tell them the story of my son and if I didn't I would say thank you and happily be on me way knowing they indirectly asked about my baby.

My girlfriend had a similar experience after a miscarriage at 18 weeks. Even though she carried her angel for a shorter amount of time, she radiated a beautiful glow like no other pregnant mommy.

It hurts and it will get better because your angel babies will never leave you. They lived and died in us. I know there is a tiny particle of each angel somewhere in my body helping me get through life.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

As much as I love my OB, I still feel he should have tried somethings to save our babies.  Why didn't he try?  Was it because of lack of experience with TTTS?, Did he think there was no chance?

Why did I stick my head in the sand and not research TTTS when I could have, so that I would have known what I know now.  Then I would have told them I wanted them to do an amnioreduction, attempt to do another rescue cerclage...  Why couldn't they have arranged for me to be scanned on the Saturday instead of waiting till the Monday morning?  Couldn't I have been sent to the hospital Karla is attending (we live in the same city) where there are TTTS specialists??

Maybe you can see now what I meant when I said I've had all this stuff going around in my head...

I know I'll never know the answers to these questions and I guess if I'm to beleive that everything turns out how it is supposed to then it makes no difference, but I can't help to want to turn the clock back somehow and just try...

Due to our girls being identical I am quite up on the different types of twinning etc, hence I find myself wanting to respond to the questions people ask.

Of course I don't dare, some people there 'know me and my story' but others would probably think I was just a loopy for hanging out there.

Its so hard being a twin mummy, but not having your twins.  I read people talking about how with twins you are a 'mini celebrity' due to peoples fascination with twins.  I can remember when I was pg, I told anyone who gave me an in that I was pg with twins.  I carried the scan pics to show anyone who I thought wasn't a total weirdo for showing them to anyone and everyone.  I pictured myself walking along with our gorgeous identical babies and people stopping to coo over them :)  I can still see it now, so clearly... *tear*

I wanted twins so badly, and I was blessed with them. 

I am a twin mummy, but my babies are only in my heart, not in my arms...

 Ever since we lost our girls I've tried to figure out 'why?'  I know that I may never know the answer in this life time, but I still mull it over and over in my head.

My latest theory is that maybe I wouldn't have been able to cope with twins...  Maybe I would have been unable to deal with the demands of two babies as once.  Maybe this in turn would have affected my marriage and my DS - ME.   Some days the demands of one baby at a time is almost more than enough and maybe I wouldn't have been a good enough mother to two babies together...

 I know I'm raving on, but this is what goes on in my head. 

Is it possible that I fell pg with twins cause I had dreamt and hoped for it since I was a little girl?  And then maybe I wasn't meant to have twins so the powers that be had to 'fix' things??

On a more positive note, maybe DS2 - JP is really meant to be here for some reason.  If our girls had survived I don't think we would have had any more children.  Another weird senario :)

I guess this looks like a very weird post, but I had to put it down.  Its been going around and around my head lately, and now maybe I can put it to rest...