I've decided to take Sully to the doctor and see what our options are for kiddie meds. This makes me cry just thinking about it.... but we're now at that "red light flashing sirens going off danger point", and it's our last option.

As I've stated before in previous postings, I think that pharmaceutical aid with mood and behavior should be used when all other alternative and natural resources have failed. I think that meds are abused in our culture (especially with kids), and it should be a last resort. But with my little Asperbergers /Oppositional Defiant Disorder child, we have had him in behavioral therapy for years, he's in a therapeutic classroom at school, we've tried homeopathic aids, he's on the GFCF diet, aids and para's at school, therapists, structured environments, routine charts, every reward system that has been imagined- you name it, we've tried it and tried it and tried it and tried it. Years and years and years of working with teachers and shrinks and doctors in a desperate attempt to get through to him and teach him to help himself by behaving in a positive and constructive manner. Nothing has worked. We've seen glimmers of progress here and there.... but none of it sticks or really sets in. I've never expected miracles- but a little hope here and there would be a nice thing to feel. All his behavior issues started when he was about 3, so for the past 7 years I've been watching my little angel struggle and rage and fight and fail- and that's a heartbreaking thing for a parent to watch happen to their child.

So yesterday, my brain cracked wide open and then shattered into a million pieces. I went to pick my little fella up from school (it was only his second day of 5th grade because the schools out here just started), and I walked in to find him with that "look" on his face. That "look" that immediately tells me "Oops, sorry Mom. I fucked up my day and we're going to have to have long talks". My heart sinks to the depths of hell every time I see that "look", because it means that I have to tread VERY VERY lightly around him because his venom could come flying at me if I handle anything the wrong way. The problem is, "the wrong way" can change from moment to moment. One second he could be fine and logical and take in everything I say without incident... and the next second, complete chaos and screaming and tantrums. It's really draining to have to watch your step every second of the day, and know that an emotional explosion of nuclear proportions could go off at any moment. And once it goes off, there's no stopping it... ya just gotta ride it out.

We're leaving school, and having our calm-and-soothing-yet-firm talk about how it's only the 2nd day of school and he needs to be using the tools he's been taught to handle stress and frustration, etc etc etc.... and halfway home, Hurricane Sully hits. There's this shift in his eyes whenever he's about to go off- it's so very subtle, and is as quick as a flash... and that's all the warning he's gonna give anyone before he unleashes his terror. Then it's on. Big time. Screaming, crying, throwing sick and horrifying insults... the whole time I'm trying to remind him to take deep breaths, focus on things I know are calming to him, but firmly reminding him that he is never allowed to speak to people this way or treat them this way.

We get home, and he is sent straight to his room to calm down. He refuses to go. This is his new thing- physical defiance. He is 10 years old, 5ft 1", and weighs 90 pounds. I'm 5ft 3" and weigh 115 pounds. We're almost the same size, but thankfully because of years of yoga- I'm stronger. But not by much... and not for much longer. And since I told him he has to go to his room, I have to follow through with getting him in his room. A HUGE thing with him is consistency and follow through... so if an adult tells him to do something and he gets out of it by throwing a tantrum- that adult is forever screwed because he knows they have a breaking point and he will nail it every time. I also have to get him in his room because he is my size, and it's no longer safe for me to be around him when he's in a rage. So I have to physically get him into his room and lock his door behind him (obtaining 3 big welts from him in the process).

Once he's in there- the throwing things begins. As well as the mind games. He has the manipulation skills of a veteran serial killer. He can con and scam the pros. This is where his frightening intelligence really works it's magic. He'll pretend to calm down just long enough to get me to open his door, then he'll try to engage in another debate about his current predicament, and then I will usually have to dodge a toy that he sends flying at my head. Ya never really know when it's safe to open that door... ever. This is just one example of his tantrums. They have been much much worse. And because of his size now... it's just frightening because he could easily hurt me or himself... more than just giving me a few bruises. But the thing that tears me to shreds is that when he calms down, he is filled with so much guilt and regret and shattering sadness over how he acted. He really cannot control it.

Long story short (too late)... yesterday I snapped. I'm tired of him feeling like he's failed every day. That's no way for a child to feel. And he's now at the point where it's going to start destroying his self-esteem. And I can't live in fear of my child, and he has no concept of just how much harm he could possibly do, because he is only 10. So in tears I called a doctor, and set up an appointment for today. We're going to try out some sort of meds to maybe control the anger and impulsive behavior. Maybe if we can get a handle on these things, it will allow us to work on the rest until he's got a bit of maturity and self control under his belt... and then we lose the meds. I talked to his teacher on the phone last night, and she has totally backed me until this point about not using meds... but just what she's seen in the past couple days, she agrees with me (she's the same lady who worked with him all last year, so she knows him really well).

But I found this doctors group that deals with adolescents, and the beautiful thing is that all the doctors are women, and they are moms. All the nurses are women, and they are moms. That's comforting to me. The intake nurse I talked to has a child just like Sully, and when I started to tell her what was going on, she immediately put me in with one of their doctors who is great with kids like Sully, and knew exactly what to do and what I was going through. And she got me an appointment today... no waiting because she knew I was about to jump off a bridge.

So this is where we're at. I don't know what the doc is going to say or do. I don't know if anything they prescribe will work... but I figure that if I'm going to try everything- that means EVERYTHING. And if the meds don't work, then at least we'll know and can be done with it. The whole thing makes me very uneasy and upset..... but we're now up against a wall. Big sadness. I'll keep everyone posted on what happens.

Rob has been taking private driving lessons, and of course we are letting him drive us around. He is actually doing pretty well. I wasn't sure how he would do at driving. My twin brother, who is high-functioning, didn't manage to pass a driver's test until he was thirty years old. But when he finally did, it was because he worked extensively with a private driving instructor. Rob actually seems to drive very well. He has passed the driving test given by the private instructor, so he could officially get his license any day. But we are taking it slowly. He is saving for a car. We will pay his insurance, and he will pay for his gas. When he starts driving his own car without us, I'm sure I will be a nervous wreck. But I was with my daughter, too. It's part of being a mom.

Treating Asbergers - Key Steps to the Treatment of Asbergers Disease
Whilst there is not a 'cure' for Aspergers syndrom in the sense of an instantaneous solution, the good news is that there are ways of treating asbergers. Successful Asperger treatment focuses on addressing the three core symptoms of the disease, namely: - Poor linguistic and communication skills - Fixated or obsessive compulsions - Physical ineptitude. Most physicians advocate adapting a regime of treatment to the specific needs of each child rather than applying a static method of ... [June 12, 2008 09:05:27 am]

Aspergers and Discipline - Real Strategies to Deal With Aspergers Behavior
Disciplining children displaying asperger characteristic behavior will often require an approach which is somewhat unique to that of other children. Finding the balance between understanding the needs of a child with aspergers and discipline which is age appropriate and situationally necessary is achievable when applying some simple but effective strategies. [June 06, 2008 07:56:41 am]

How to Tell If a Child Has Aspergers Disorder - Real Life Examples in Focus
If you have spent even a brief amount of time researching Aspergers syndrome you will no doubt have come to appreciate what constitutes some of the 'classic' symptoms of Aspergers disorder. For example, children with Aspergers are said to experience impaired social functioning, difficulty forming relationships with peers, a lack of spontaneous engagement and social reciprocity, exhibit speech and linguistic irregularities, engage in stereotyped or repetative mannerisms, and have fixations on subject matter. That's all very well, but as a parent with the lingering concern that our child might have Aspergers syndrome, how do we move from ... [May 29, 2008 02:53:21 pm]

Coping With Aspergers Syndrome - Top 5 Factors to Safeguard Your Child's Welfare
Asperger's syndrome can constitute a challenging, and at times lonesome disorder for both children and their parents. Inherent in the disorders nature are difficulties associated with socializing and communicating with your toddler. Problems children have with peer communication and associated social behavior can also entail less play dates and birthday invitations. [March 26, 2008 04:20:22 pm]

My Child Has Aspergers - Now What?
For many parents, finding out that your child has aspergers syndrome can be a mixed blessing. On one hand, a positive diagnosis gives rise to the prospect of management and greater certainty as to the factors at play in your child's life. On the other, most parents are unprepared for the changes having a child with aspergers invariably brings. [March 25, 2008 03:48:58 pm]

Managing Aspergers Syndrome Behavior
For many, the proper diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome may give rise to the larger problem of how to manage Aspergers syndrome behavior. There are guidelines which can be of assistance in establishing practices designed to help those with aspergers syndrome develop skills which can lessen the impact of the disorder. [February 27, 2008 09:27:19 am]

What is Aspergers Disorder? Understanding the Nature of Aspbergers Syndrome
The question 'What is Aspergers?' can be answered expediently by way of definition: Aspergers disorder, also known as Aspergers Syndrome or autistic psychopathy, is a neurobiological condition which falls within the group of childhood disorders classified as pervasive development disorders. The namesake of Aspergers disorder is Hans Asperger, a Viennese physician who in 1944 published a description of behavioral patters in male youths who displayed normal intellect and linguistic capacity but compromised social functioning and communication skills. [February 27, 2008 09:26:00 am]

Symptoms of Asbergers Syndrome - an Answer to the Question "Does My Child Have Aspergers?"
Aspergers Syndrome is a neurological condition which is categorized by virtue of it's qualitative impairment in social and behavioral functioning. The symptoms of Aspergers Syndrome, whilst varied, are frequently encapsulated by a distinct, severe and prolonged impairment in social interaction, peculiarities in communication, and an emphasis on repetitive routines or ritualized patterns of behavior. [February 18, 2008 04:31:06 pm]

High Functioning Asbergers Syndrome (HFA) is a much milder and more treatable form of AS, which may actually confer some intellectual advantages. Both forms of Asbergers is more prevalent in boys than girls.

The primary symptoms of Asbergers disorder are as follows:

1. Severe impairment of social reasoning & interaction including:

-A reduced appreciation of non-verbal communication, such as eye contact, body language, and facial expressions.

-A latency in developing age appropriate peer relationships.

-A lack of reciprocity, and spontaneity in engaging in shared interests with others, coupled with a notable lack of empathetic emotion.

2. Repetative patterns of behavior including:

-A pre-occupation with an interest or activity, often singular objects or parts of objects, which is extenuated by abnormal focus and intensity.

-Rigid adherence to routines or rituals.

-Repetative motor activities such as finger tapping, head motion, or more complex body movements.

In addition to the Asberger's syndrome symptoms above, many professionals will include other behavior as part of their Aspergers diagnostic criterea. A hightened response to sensory stimuli, latent gross motor skills, sleep disturbances and high pain tolerance are just some of the additional factors which may be attributable to a positive Asbergers diagnosis.

Being able to recognize Asbergers syndrome symptoms can be an important factor in early diagnosis, treatment and behavior management. Unlike the subjective withdrawal characteristically associated with autism, people with aspergers syndrome are vulnerable to becoming isolated as a consequence of their underdeveloped social skills. This is notwithstanding any desire they may in fact have for continued interaction with their peers.

Want more information? Before spending thousands in consultancy fees, be 'in the know' by discovering insider tips about the Characteristics of Asbergers Syndrome Here

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For the first time in print, Blessed with Autism, the Workbook, author Christina Peck shares her tools for success in receiving monetary reimbursement for therapy from private insurance companies.

AGE OF AUTISM: A of A Contest: Win "Blessed with Autism"

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The Transporters - a unique Government-backed DVD to help children with Autism recognise emotions to go on sale world-wide

A groundbreaking teaching resource to help children with autism make sense of the world around them is to be marketed internationally, following great success in the UK.

The Transporters, a DVD that uses a unique combination of real actors' faces and 3D computer-generated settings, was originally available to parents in the UK free as part of the DCMS funded Culture Online programme.

But its runaway success, with 40,000 copies already distributed, means it can now go on sale across the English-speaking world, with the prospect of translation into other languages in the future. Many families in the UK and living abroad were unable to get the DVD first time round and this, along with pressure from parents of recently diagnosed children who are desperate for help, created a demand which the makers are keen to address. A substantial share of profits from sales will go to autism charities and to research other scientifically validated ways to help children with autism spectrum conditions.

The DVD pack, together with information about the underlying research is available from a special website launched this week: http://www.thetransporters.com.

eGov monitor - A Policy Dialogue Platform | Promoting Better Governance

On tonight's show, you looked at a theory that suggests that Aspergers Syndrome is the manifestation of an extreme male brain. This theory has been aired before and is now generally considered to be incorrect, largely because it completely ignores the way that Aspergers manifests in women, and because it fails to take into account some of the more disabling deficits common to this disorder.

I'm a twenty year old woman who was diagnosed with Aspergers when I was seven or eight years old. Aspergers in males is quite well-documented now, however most people don't realise that the symptoms manifest differently in men and women, or that the socially-inept and uninterested man skilled in mathematics is a stereotype that is not always accurate.

Because no one realised this at first, only females who met the Asperger-male stereotype were diagnosed. Experts now suspect that Aspergers  is much more common in girls than originally thought, however because it manifest differently, and because girls antisocial behaviour is less extreme - for example, Asperger girls are less likely to be aggressive - it goes unnoticed.

In my case, I was diagnosed because it was obvious something was abnormal; I was completely ostracised by the other children, engaged in antisocial behaviour such as biting, etc. In most Aspergers girls however it is less obvious and they go undiagnosed.

Like a lot of Aspergers girls, though, I don't fit the Asperger-male stereotype; while I have difficulty interpreting and expressing body language and facial expressions I have learnt over time to mimic others behaviour and responses, and to form a rough checklist for interpreting other people's behaviour. While I have good spatial abilities, and do better than non-Aspergers girls in some areas of maths, I never had a gift for mathematics; instead, it was for language, as it is for some other Asperger girls. By the time I was eight years old I had the reading comprehension and speed of a fifteen-year-old; by the time I was thirteen I could read faster than any adult I knew, including my English teacher, and I was reading volumes of philosophy, and books on science, history, and psychology. I received a distinction in a national English skills competition that year. In my final year at school my ancient history teacher observed that the level of analysis and complexity in my essays, as well as the general quality of my writing, was at university level.

This theory that people with Aspergers have an extreme male brain is sexually-discriminatory, as it is based on studies of Aspergers males and people who fit the Asperger-male sterotype. It completely ignores the way Aspergers manifests in women, which is part of the reason it is seen as controversial.

Another thing I want to complain about in regards to what you showed on this program is that it suggests that all Aspergers people are extremely gifted in some way. This is not necessarily the case. A lot of Aspergers people are merely average – and even if they are highly intelligent or gifted, their deficits in other areas drag them down. For example, in my case I am highly intelligent, and have excellent language skills. Yet I have great difficulty finding employment; my social skills, or rather the lack of them, inevitably lead to conflict with employers and co-workers. I cannot work many hours, because of the sensory overload I experience. I tried to study at university, yet certain aspects of the way my disability manifests – difficulty dealing with people when I needed to attend lectures or seek help, and inflexibility in the way I think, and difficulties in problem-solving, anxiety disorder, etc –  meant that I failed. If I could, would I get rid of my Aspergers? Like a shot. For the young man shown in your program, Aspergers does not manifest in a fashion that impairs his basic ability to function, and his phenomenal abilities are enough to outweigh any problems he has. That’s not always the case.

I’m quite disappointed that your show only bought into the usual stereotypes and didn’t bother to investigate Aspergers enough to find out more about what it actually is, and that you aired a segment that plainly demonstrated that fact. You aired a segment on a sexually-discriminatory theory that is now considered incorrect, and portrayed Aspergers as some kind of  ‘genius syndrome’, rather than as a genuine disability.

When E was born, she was pretty high needs so I stopped closing the bathroom door because I needed to hear her breathing to know she was okay and she needed to hear me too or she had a massive screaming jag.  As my kids have gotten older, this has been a non-issue although I kept the door open for a few years anyway in case of any crashing or banging that might be urgent to the point of necessitating a run to check first and flush later approach.

Now the only things that interrupt me in there fall into the category of obnoxious but age appropriate stuff that really can wait until I am done.  Like petty sibling squabbles and asking me where is whatever piece of clothing, toy paraphenelia or whatever they have lost most recently.  (answer:  Did you look under your bed?  Go look again.)

So I have been trying to teach both kids the value of leaving me alone in there.  Which means frequently shouting, "F, I am in the bathroom.  You may tell me later."  Or it's variation which is, "Is it important enough to drag me out right this minute?  Because I warn you, if I have to run out there in a towel right now, I am not going to be very happy, so if it can wait, you'd much better leave me alone!"  It is a lot of yelling, but thankfully I am not followed in there unless it is an actual emergency anymore so it seems like we have got that one mostly down.

More troubling are certain hygiene issues.  I cannot get an explanation out of the offender on why it is acceptable to wash the hair on top but not in back, but there it is.  Multiple return trips to rewash hair have been happening lately and I have begged for an explanation of why at the offender's age this is an issue, because if it is sensory or whatever, we can come up with an alternate approach, and there are lots of effective ways of reducing scalp greasiness but although the offender will happily brush hair for ages and will not leave the house without some attempt at hair styling, I am making no progress on the washing the back of hair issue.  And short hair has already been rejected as a solution.

And then there is the flushing issue.  We got mostly potty trained within a few years of the normal ages but are terrified to flush and forget to wipe (I know about that because of the non-flushing) and prefer not to wash hands either.  I do not know what to do.  I think that the sound of the flushing is the biggest part of the problem though so maybe if I try to drill them in washing hands and then flushing and running away, we can improve.

When I was around the same age, I had a ritual that involved swinging my feet against the base of the toilet and counting and required the same number of swings to each foot because I have a tactile symmetry thing.  It never would have been noticed (and was never actually understood for what it was) except that I couldn't tell left from right and tried to alternate which foot went first.  Sometimes I forgot which foot had had the first turn and got stuck in there for hours, panicking, and trying to remember which foot needed to get the last turn.  I tried to teach myself to go standing up so I could avoid the issue altogether but failed for obvious reasons and was punished heartily and with a ruler for making a mess.

I also had to scrub out the tub rigorously before each bath and if a speck of dirt or stray hair managed to float to the surface anyway, I would be so terrified that it would touch and thus contaminate me that I could not  move and once again would monopolize the bathroom for hours and be punished with great fervor on finally escaping the torture chamber.  Granted, I came out clean or not at all, but again, I understand having special difficulties.

So yeah, I get bathroom issues.  My kids come by them honestly.  It is only in the past year that I have realized that we are maybe a bit unique in this, which has maybe been good for everyone involved.  They are mostly just sent back to redo whatever was neglected and not hit with a ruler.  They seem much less ashamed of their quirks than I was.  WIll this make it harder for them to outgrow them?  I don't know.  But since no one who has not lived with us (or read this blog) would ever know about these things, I cannot see how obsessing over getting them to be like other kids in this area would be in any way productive.

I talked with a special ed teacher this week in a waiting room.  She told me about her difficulties getting one student to go to the bathroom.  He does not have accidents but holds it the whole day at school.  I did the same thing.  I am in awe of her patience but I have to wonder, wouldn't her time be just as well spent teaching him to read?  My kids may not have mastered the hygienic and sanitary arts as well as other kids their ages, but they can outread any six and ten year old we know.  And yeah, every kid is different, but in a way, I feel pretty lucky that being undiagnosed meant my time at school was spent doing school stuff.  Because ultimately I did catch on the the whole lather rinse repeat and wipe flush wash thing.  But I had already read Jane Eyre at the time.

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We had noticed a conspicuous lack of pointing when Rob was young. But it took a while for me to realize that he didn't get it when we pointed at things for him to see. This first became really apparent when we would be in the car, playing spelling games.  We played a game where we looked for letters of the alphabet  on street signs. I spy an A. I spy a B.... By then, Rob knew all the letters. But when we would say, there's an A, he would say I see it - but he would be looking in a different direction than the rest of us.

The technical term for this is lack of joint attention or referencing. Joint attention is the ability to follow someone else's  finger point or eye gaze, and look at an object, and be aware that the other person is looking at it also, and be aware of the shared experience. Part of pointing out objects is the joy of that shared experience, but appreciation of shared experiences requires the ability to imagine what the other person is seeing, thinking, and feeling.  This is of course a problem for persons lacking theory of mind skills.

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In Rob's case, it was clear when he finally got it, because he suddenly started pointing and saying "Look!" When we would look where he was pointing, he would laugh and say, "made ya look!"  He obviously learned this from a younger child at school - but when he realized he could make people look, that seemed to spark an understanding that he lacked. Now we noticed that when we played car games, he looked where we looked, and pointed when he "saw" the letter. It is important to remember that autism is a developmental disorder, which means these abilities are delayed, but they eventually do develop. Although Rob is very smart, he seemed to be about four years behind in developing these sorts of skills, but there are exercises and games you can do to help your child develop these skills. For example, RDI therapy begins with exercises designed to encourage the development of joint attention and referencing, because joint attention is a primary foundation for other, more advanced social skills. I think Rob might have gotten it earlier if we had given him specific instruction about pointing earlier. But it didn't occur to us - we didn't have to teach Joy to point, or to follow our gaze; she came by it naturally. We practiced, of course, by playing games; but the point of the game was to recognize letters; it already depended upon joint attention skills learned in infancy. Once Rob "got it" his social skills improved, and so did his school work.

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As a funny side note, I had told this story for years without my husband noticing that BRAIN was mis-spelled. He finally realized that a few years ago, and said, "I never understood why that story was so funny until now"!

"Most Asperger difficulties centre around social competencies. A characteristic of young children is egocentrism. People with Asperger's remain in this egocentric state, unable to interpret the thoughts and emotions of others, just like people with Autism."  — Autistic Society Organization

Isn't it just lovely the way that the Autistic Society organization describes Asperger's Syndrome in their encyclopedia? I'd love to ask them, "What the *#@% does egocentrism have to do with neurology?!"¹

It's been awhile since I've posted about Aspie myths and I'd probably quit doing so if I could avoid seeing any more degrading remarks said about Aspies. To make my point on this myth, I'll just throw the matching shoe onto the other foot for better balance:

"Most neurotypical difficulties centre around social competencies. A characteristic of young children is egocentrism. People with neurotypical brains remain in this egocentric state, unable to interpret the thoughts and emotions of others, just like unregenerate people."  — Neurotypical Society Organization

Let me ask those ignorant NTs who act like they know it all (as found in many of the Autistic Society Organizations) this question:

If NTs grow up to be so free from egocentrism, then why the *#@% do they need seminars, textbooks, training, etc. if they are able to interpret the thoughts and emotions of others (like Aspies and Auties)?! That would be like a person telling cats to shut up (assuming cats had a way to communicate with people on their level) so he can write a book explaining how cats think!

¹egocentric — noun; a self-centered person with little regard for others. — adjective; limited to or caring only about yourself and your own needs.

Tuesday 8-26-8

I also learned early on that when other people's feelings were in question, it was best to be as polite and deferential as possible in an attempt not to give further offense and it was also a good idea to apologize generally, ask if the other person was upset with me, and then be prepared to spend some time having my actions and their effect on others told to me and then to do everything in my power to imagine being that other person and feeling that way, and then maybe the misunderstanding could be cleared up peacefully but most importantly, I could know for future reference a) how I had hurt the other person and thus how to avoid it in the future, b) whether I had guessed the other person's mood correctly in the first place, and c) something about how the other person thought, which would be useful in becoming more able to sympathize with that person in the future. 

My feelings of course were not very important because they were equally inscrutable to my housemates and even when I felt I had made them clear, they were apparently so unaccountable that people thought I was being sarcastic. 

I was really confused and scared by other people's feelings growing up.  They were a source of all kinds of upheaval for me.  I honestly tried to be sensitive and did not want to hurt people but had to learn the hard way over time that I would never be particularly sensitive but that if I limited social relationships, and focused all my loyalty and generosity on one or two people with the right kind of sense of humor and a willingness to tell me when I was out of line, I could have mutually enjoyable friendships and also really satisfying online friendships.  I also learned that some people are more temperamentally prone to dramatic emotions and less likely to believe that I had no idea what was going through their heads, and that they actually enjoy being this way, and that it was best to avoid these people for both of our sakes.  A friendship with me would be as unenjoyable to them as it would be chaotic to me. 

I think I will be talking about other people's feelings in therapy for a long time. 

It turns out that whereas my assessment that emotions were dangerous and to be avoided at all costs, while flawed, was no more flawed than opposite position, that emotions are so sacred that they can be used to justify any sort of behavior.  Having basically thought for years that something horrible about me inspired irrational and even violent behavior in other people, it is really amazing to sort of sift through these past events and have a third party tell me they were not just because I was a difficult kid. 

It is a lot of work and I am often unable to talk much or remember how to drive home afterward.  All the visual memories seem to crown my peripheral vision and I am more out of it than normal for the rest of the day.  Dinner may be grilled cheese and fruit.

But I think that having a venue to discuss other people's feelings and my misinterpretations and fear of them is so positive that it makes up for being so spacy the rest of the day.  The kids will benefit from having a better balanced if still autistic mother.  And that is the big motivator here: I may occasionally miss something with them or take a few seconds longer than other mothers to assess their mood and apply whatever maternal remedy is needed, but I will never allow my own feelings or fear of other people's to keep me from respecting my children's emotional needs.  That is very important to me.  I may not be as savvy as other mothers, but I will always do my best to compensate with everything I have to give.  And occasionally some unwanted advice.  And maybe a casserole.  (Which may make me more typical than you thought?)

But back to the bike. He just can't make the balance + coordination+ momentum thing happen. We've been trying for years. By the time he ALMOST had it with training wheels, he got too old to have them on the bike anymore. So we've been trying to have him ride it without the training wheels. But we have to go to a location far away from the neighborhood kids so they won't see him flailing and make fun of him. And after falling over full-blown-cartoon-style a dozen times, he just has no interest in trying anymore. Apparently, it's pretty common for kids with Asperger's Syndrome to have horrible coordination, so I'm not super concerned. BUT where we live, ALL the kids ride bikes everywhere. It's how they all get around, and what they all do when hanging out. He's got enough social issues, that I really don't want him to be snubbed anymore than he already is because he's different.

So this was my idea:

Isn't it a beauty? Wanna see another pic of it? Well ok! Here ya go!!....

(Oh yeah... ya see that big beautiful thing it's propped up against? That's my etching press. My dad built it for me, cuz my dad is AMAZING!!! So now that we have more room in our house, I can start making etching and linocut prints again. FUCK YEAH!!!!)

So yeah... we bought a 2-seater bike (or a "tandem" bike... I have to be sure and use it's proper name or else my friends will mock me). Thank christ for craigslist, because these things usually cost a FORTUNE, and we got it for only $150. The idea is to get him comfortable with the balance and peddling, and once he can do that without issue, then we'll start getting him back on a regular bike and see how he does. But for now, we've been taking family bike rides every night on the beach trail. Brad and I take turns on the tandem (because Sully is only 3 inches shorter than me, and right now he's kindof dead weight on the back of the bike... and I get really fucking worn out lugging an extra 90 pounds behind me), and the other follows on one of our other bikes. It's so fucking fun... and just what I need to relieve a little stress. I'm not a "beach person"... but riding a bike along a beach in the evening before it gets dark really is pretty. And the best part is that Sully LOVES it!!! So hopefully this will be just what he needs to get him on a bike of his own.

Aside from that little glimmer of happiness..... I'm in stressy hell. Just a couple weeks until the gallery show in Berlin, and I'm trying to crank out as much art as I can. AND I'm trying to ship orders to stores. AND I had to take a few days off to go back to Kansas to get Sully (which was wonderful, and WAY too short because I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to), but those few days away kindof screwed me and I'm playing a vicious and annoying game of catch-up. Right now, every second counts. Once the show is done, and all store orders are out- I can breathe. And lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling for a week. And enjoy things again. But right now... WORK WORK WORK. So off I go to do that.

Thank whoever's-in-charge for bike rides.

I'm not a 'shoe' person. I can be happy with owning only one pair of shoes, if those shoes are kind to my feet that is. My feet are so difficult to please! It's a good thing my mother has passed away and has not lived to see what I've done now! She'd have a heart attack over how ugly (in her mind) my new shoes are! Before my mother died, we often argued over the shoes I'd choose for myself. She envisioned me in: high heels; classy dress; long, painted fingernails; curled hair; make-up; perfume; jewelry; blah, blah, blah, etc. This is not what she had in mind for my feet to be displaying:

←for outdoors/for indoors→

Anyhow, it seemed to me that if crocs are popular with most people, then they're probably extra popular for highly sensitive aspies! Low and behold... they are! Visit crocs online and read all about them.

Monday 8-25-8