Every depression, though, has its bright spot -- and the bright spot here happens to be anti-depressants. Last year, for the sixth year in a row, anti-depressants ranked as the No. 1 therapeutic class of dispensed prescriptions in the United States. Americans filled more that 232 million prescriptions -- to the tune of nearly $12 billion in revenues, according to a March report by IMS Health.

Who knew that 16% of women ages 20-44 take antidepressants? This fact comes from a recent report by Medco Health Solutions (MHS), the pharmacy benefit manager. Medco also disclosed that, for the first time, a majority of the insured population is taking prescription drugs to treat at least one chronic health problem.

Diving deeper into anti-depressants, we asked Express Scripts (ESRX), another pharmacy benefit manager, to tell us which Fortune 500 companies represent the biggest consumers in terms of employee prescriptions. No go. Nor would Express Scripts reveal which industries account for the highest consumption. But the company does report that among its members, antidepressant use increased 33% from 2000 to 2006.

That’s a healthy market for sure. Where in the United States is the anti-depressant business most vibrant? Utah ranks No. 1., followed by Kentucky, Maine, Arkansas and Louisiana (are Utahans replacing drinks with drugs? Utah ranks at the bottom in alcohol consumption.). The lowest usage, meanwhile, is in Illinois, Nevada, California, New Jersey and New York. You might guess where antidepressant consumption spiked in the past few years. Alabama and Louisiana. Lingering damage from Hurricane Katrina? - Jessica Shambora

To read stories written by others click on "(whatever number appears) Comments" below.

Read it in 1996; was depressed, got even more depressed.

read a review by Douglas A. Smith:

As Sigmund Freud said, two of the most important aspects of anyone's life are love and work.  When Elizabeth Wurtzel did well in these areas of her life, she was happy - and with no help from psychiatry.  When her life went poorly, she was despondent or "depressed," whether or not she was taking Prozac and lithium or other psychiatric drugs or undergoing other psychiatric "therapy."  Whether she realizes it or not, her 368 page memoir illustrates that her salvation, both before and after Prozac, came from living a life she enjoyed, not from any of psychiatry's so-called therapies.

> more

now a new movie with Christina Ricci. have not watched it. dunno whether it'd be any good like Girl, Interrupted. now, this is one movie and book that i can watch and read again and again. but prozac nation? ... never mind.

Example - he went to the GP this morning for advice about his IBS-type symptoms, and came home with prescriptions for anti-depressants (for his mental state) and anti-spasmodics (for his stomach). However, he was about to set off for work leaving the prescription lying on the kitchen counter. I asked him if I should pick up the presecription for him, he said he didn't want to take the tablets, and when I asked why he didn't really have an answer.

That was when I blew up. I told him he was a fool, he needed help, and I could only push him so far along the route to receiving it. There is a point at which he will have to take an active decision himself - whether it's to take the tablets, go to counselling, change job, move house, whatever. Activity has never been his strong point, however - his default reactions in the face of adversity are always flight or freezing, rather than fighting.

To put it simplistically, I think he has internalised all his problems so much that he has become locked in a spiral whereby he feels bad, blames himself (for not being able to cope, being bad at his job or whatever), feels bad, blames himself a bit more, feels worse, and so on. Taking anti-depressants is a personal admission of defeat and failure - an external crutch for an internal problem.

However, as I said, I can only push him so far. There will come a point (and I suspect that point is not so far away right now) where I will stop pushing, because it has no effect. I want him to get better, but I cannot make him get better - at least, I cannot make him be active in his own recovery. He has to want to do that, and at the moment I don't think he does.

by Mark Thompson
Time, June 16, 2008

"While the headline-grabbing weapons in [the] war have been high-tech wonders, like unmanned drones that drop Hellfire missiles on the enemy below, troops like [Sergeant Christopher LeJeune] are going into battle with a different kind of weapon, one so stealthy that few Americans even know of its deployment.

For the first time in history, a sizable and growing number of U.S. combat troops are taking daily doses of antidepressants to calm nerves strained by repeated and lengthy tours in Iraq and Afghanistan.

The medicines are intended not only to help troops keep their cool but also to enable the already strapped Army to preserve its most precious resource: soldiers on the front lines. Data contained in the Army's fifth Mental Health Advisory Team report indicate that, according to an anonymous survey of U.S. troops taken last fall, about 12% of combat troops in Iraq and 17% of those in Afghanistan are taking prescription antidepressants or sleeping pills to help them cope.

Escalating violence in Afghanistan and the more isolated mission have driven troops to rely more on medication there than in Iraq, military officials say...The increase in the use of medication among U.S. troops suggests the heavy mental and psychological price being paid by soldiers fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Pentagon surveys show that while all soldiers deployed to a war zone will feel stressed, 70% will manage to bounce back to normalcy. But about 20% will suffer from what the military calls 'temporary stress injuries,' and 10% will be afflicted with 'stress illnesses'...The mental trauma has become so common that the Pentagon may expand the list of 'qualifying wounds' for a Purple Heart -- historically limited to those physically injured on the battlefield -- to include posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD)."....read rest of stroy here

Popular drugs on the market may not have worked for you or maybe you have heard the horror stories associated with all the possible side effects.  Herbal supplements such as St Johns Wort are a more natural alternative to pharmaceuticals with fewer side effects (dry mouth, dizziness, fatigue, increased sensitivity to sunlight).  It is one of the most thoroughly researched medicinal herbs on the market today and has been proven to be safe by studies in Germany and other European countries. 

There has also never been a recorded human death related to this yellow, wild growing plant.  It has been known to help mildly depressed people regain overall normal mental balance and mood.  It is not suggested for severely depressed people who may need multiple forms of treatment such as talk therapy, exercise and medicine combined.  Herbal anti-depressant supplements often work just as well as their prescription counterparts but cost a little less.

Leading prescription anti-depressants don’t always relieve symptoms and they come with a laundry list of side effects.  Advertisements may make it seem like these “happy pills” work like magic on everyone, but they are only successful for about 70% of people.  They don’t treat the actual cause of depression, but rather raise the serotonin levels in your brain.  Prescription drugs can lead to a whole new set of problems including anxiety, irritability, restlessness, and insomnia.  Many people have also reported suicidal thoughts when they stop taking the pills. 

It is important to communicate with your health care providers about your overall well being maintenance routine so they can advise you on the best treatment for your depression.

1. I'm tired of having insomnia. (Irony intended.)
2. I miss writing my thoughts on this blog.
3. I don't know the difference between being compulsive and being disciplined. The things I want to do somehow I'm too "lazy" or "undisciplined" to do. Yet compulsive behaviors in opposite directions come easy. Why can't I take my devotion to something negative and aim it at something positive?
4. I'm tired of taking anti-depressants and blood pressure meds because I'm so anxious all the time. I want off the meds.
5. I admire Hooved Shaman immensely. Most people will never understand what a courageous thing he's trying to do.
6. I miss dancing the Lindy Hop with my husband.
7. I miss riding my bike.
8. I miss swimming.
9. I miss seeing sunrises and sunsets.
10. I miss the wind blowing through my hair.
11. I miss wearing short skirts.
12. I miss connecting with my friends and family.
13. I think TJ is one of the funniest things on the internet. She has also introduced me to some of the coolest things on the internet.
14. I'm bored with WoW. I'm not sure if I care to get over the boredom. I'm not sure Wrath will cure it. I think it is broken inside me.
15. I'm sick of my computers, the web, politicians, religious pushers of all stripes, politics, pundits, jerkfaces, phenoms, trolls, critics, asswipes, corporate lifestyles, humidity, materialism, advertising, the worship of sex, people who make sweeping generalizations, people who make lists, and television news people.
16. I need more hugs and kisses from people.
17. If I can learn how to be optimistic, anyone can. I wish more people would try.
18. I want to dedicate my life to something bigger than myself. How do you narrow it down to just one thing? And how do you eat & pay rent while you're doing it?
19. I don't believe in mid-life crises, except from a hormonal point of view. Everything else is just an excuse to avoid reality.
20. I wish I could adequately explain the difference between acceptance and giving up.
21. I want to wear a short, cute, fun hairstyle, even if it's not right for my face.
22. I want to know why compassion is less valued than competition.
23. I think people are tribal animals. Emphasis on tribal. Emphasis on animals. Until we get that through our thick, "civilized" heads, we're always going to fall short of anything resembling world peace.
24. Can you write for a blog about a game you're falling out of love with -- especially if they're not all that interested in you writing about what interests you -- just to get the experience to put on your resume for bigger things in the future? Should you even try?
25. I think atheism is not a lack of belief; it is a belief in something different.
26. I think science is as much a mythology as any religion. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But to think it is higher than other mythologies is to make an arbitrary exception.
27. Sometimes, when thinking about my gramma's death hurts so bad that my chest hurts and my teeth grind, I try to remember that time is not necessarily linear just because we perceive it that way. When a wave crashes to the shore, does it cease to exist or does it just go back into the ocean? I try to remember that gramma and I are both in the ocean and we are waves, seeming to come and go but still part of the same thing.

The study is by Jay C. Fournier, Robert J. DeRubeis, Richard C. Shelton,
Robert Gallop, Jay D. Amsterdam, & Steven D. Hollon

Here's the abstract:

Background

There is conflicting evidence about comorbid personality pathology in
depression treatments.

Aims

To test the effects of antidepressant drugs and cognitive therapy in
people with depression distinguished by the presence or absence of
personality disorder.

Method

Random assignment of 180 out-patients with depression to 16 weeks of
antidepressant medication or cognitive therapy. Random assignment of
medication responders to continued medication or placebo, and comparison
with cognitive therapy responders over a 12-month period.

Results

Personality disorder status led to differential response at 16 weeks;
66% v. 44% (antidepressants v. cognitive therapy respectively) for
people with personality disorder, and 49% v. 70% (antidepressants v.
cognitive therapy respectively) for people without personality disorder.
For people with personality disorder, sustained response rates over the
12-month follow-up were nearly identical (38%) in the prior cognitive
therapy and continuation-medication treatment arms. People with
personality disorder withdrawn from medication evidenced the lowest
sustained response rate (6%). Despite the poor response of people with
personality disorder to cognitive therapy, nearly all those who did
respond sustained their response.

Conclusions

Comorbid personality disorder was associated with differential initial
response rates and sustained response rates for two well-validated
treatments for depression.

So, lots has been going on, you guys are up for one hell of an update. I kind of want to avoid talking about my weight, let alone thinking of it in any way, but, i can't push it away any longer...I'm going crazy..I've gained -way- too much, although i'm at a healthy BMI..That's not what i want to hear..Nobody understands this shit. It's not fair. When you try to explain it, you get seen as somebody who should be in a fucken pshyc ward..Well..Been there done that. Anyway, i went to my doctors last week, and we've gotta get loads of bloodtests done this week sometime, and next week i've got a physical. Then, she's gonna send the in formation to my nutritionnist, where we'll then start my Bulimia treatement... I'm shaking..I'm terrified, and it's all i can think about...I catch myself wondering sometimes how the hell i can smile, i try to convince myself it's not fake..but i know it is...I'm disgusted by myself, mirrors are hell...130lbs might not be much to you, but it's a fucken ton to me..It's too much to handle..It won't last, i don't care if i'm expected to get better, i want this weight OFF, and it'll come OFF!!

Ugh, anyway. Found out that my mom and my stepdad are getting married. Honestly, what the hell do you want me to say? ''Congratulations,even tho i'm not supposed to know?'' ...FUCK... You know, i don't even care anymore. If she wants to marry a fucken abusive man, then she can go for it. But don't fucken drag your kids into hell with you...It's not fair, i could leave if i want to..But i've got my little sister and my little brother here to take care of..It's not that simple, my dad wants me to moove in with him, my friends tell me to just leave..But it's not that fucken simple..It's hard as fuck, and i don't know what the hell to do anymore..

Not to mention, i havn't been taking my Meds recently, so, i'm kind of fucked in the head right now. All this damn stress, exams, weight, family, man, it's driving me insane. It's not that i don't want to take them, it's just, well, i've been forgetting to latelly..Plus, i don't think i should take them if i'm smoking pot..There, another thing i'm disspointed in myself for. Sure, pot might not be such a big deal, but when you're me, when you've faught so that you're parents don't get high infrontof you, yes, it's a big god damn deal.

Frig. I really hate myself right now.

Gonna go study, i would go shower, but the friggen fridge busted and w had to shut off the water for a bit..ew, i feel so dirty, even tho i showered like this morning!

To reassure you, I'm not all too bad. I've hit the bottom and now am using all my resources to get back up and on my feet. I'm quite optimistic for a depressed person (too early for jokes?!)! As you probably know, I'm quite resilient and far braver than perhaps I knew. To keep you informed, I'm going to ask for anti-depressants, and lets take it from there.

On a completely different note, I saw THE most beautiful rhododendron yesterday. Whilst travelling around the Midlands for various job interviews (valuable for experience if nothing else!) the train when past this mighty bush, covered from head to toe in the most vibrant purple flowers. It made me think of the famous book, "The Colour Purple" - as Shug says, "I think it pisses God off when you walk by the color purple in a field and don't notice it". It's not actually a line talking about religion - as you all know I'm not a believer at all. But there is something about those colours that are so bright, so vibrant, that we have to stop and take notice. For them to exist by pure chance in the world is worth recognition alone.

So keep your eyes peeled guys - and if you see something worth seeing, make sure to notice it.

Comment, if you want to, sharing what medication you're currently on, or have been on, (doesn't have to be anti-depressants) and the effects it's having/had on your life and mood.

Basically, I don't think people talk about this enough! So, yes, Prozac has been... great. Unexpectedly so. The awful recurring thoughts of badness have pretty much disappeared, and when they come are much MUCH less persistent and less potent. I've also generally been feeling pretty ok a lot more of the time - actually contented.

So far, side effects have been minimal, although I am feeling tired in the afternoons more. At the moment that's ok - I can either have a caffeine overload on the days I'm at work, or have a nap (yay for being a student...), but that's not really going to be possible when I'm (hopefully) working full time in about 2 months. Apparently Prozac side effects do decrease with time as your body gets used to it, so I'm well willing to give mine the next two months to find out, but if it doesn't get any better I know I'll have to make some hard choices.

It's made me think about quite a few different things, too. I had a brief email conversation with Dr Ben Goldacre (of Guardian Bad Science column fame) about SSRIs, of which Prozac is one, which have been in the news recently. Studies have shown that for people with mild to moderate depression (I would class mine as moderate, as it's not totally debilitating, but without drugs I am depressed, anxious and suffer upsetting thoughts every day for significant amounts of time) SSRIs were about as effective as placebos.

Obviously, this was shocking news for a lot of people, and various people on here talked about it. To put a different perspective on the issue, a friend of mine who is a psychology student at Sussex University rubbished the revelations, saying they'd only looked at surveys of patients up to one month after they started taking the drug, and that it normally takes longer than that for some people to feel the benefits.

Which, of course, led me to wonder - is Prozac having a real effect on me, or is it a placebo, and I'm effecting the change on myself? I suppose it's unknowable. Medication for depression is often likened to using a sledgehammer to crack a nut, so delicate is the brain's internal chemistry and so primitive is our knowledge of it. Yet I do feel better, even though I'm consciously aware of the findings of that study, so I think that's really the only important thing to consider.

The other thing I've been struggling with is my personal history. I've been on anti-depressants before, during 2003-2004, in my first few terms at university. At the time, I made lots of new friends and was feeling happy and confident in my life. I remember that time as beautiful - full of drunken nights out, laughing endlessly with new mates and being amazingly, intellectually challenged. Up until now I've always thought of that time as a result of the circumstances of my life, not the citalopram, then escitalopram that I was on. But I'm being forced to reconsider, now, with the clear, obvious effects Prozac has had on me. It's patent that my cynicism was, in some ways, unfounded, and that much of my general enjoyment of that time where I felt unanxious, free, fun loving and happy was down to the drugs. I'm not discounting the experience as helping - I'm sure being at uni for the first time had a big effect on my mood. But I'm also fairly certain the drugs had a big effect too.

I've recently started to realise, too, that I've been depressed, anxious and prone to upsetting thoughts for most of my life. I remember having them, and compulsively overeating, as young as five or six. They've never really stopped, or gone away, but have just been influenced by different things, such as grief or love. As such, I'm starting to wonder how long I will need to be on medication. For the rest of my life, perhaps? I'm still reeling from how much Prozac has helped me in what is really a very short time, and wondering how this year, last year, all the other years of upset and sadness and anxiety would have been different if I'd just been put on it sooner. I guess it's unknowable, too.

Conclusions from all this soul searching aren't easy to come by, except that I'm going to be far more tolerant of side effects this time. The escitalopram and citalopram I was on before made me drowsy every afternoon, so I was napping a lot and ending up sleeping for twelve to thirteen hours every day. At the time, unsure as to whether the drugs were really having any effect, I gave them up, reasoning that I needed to be awake more of the time so I could work better on my essays and reading. I spent my second year in a haze of extreme anxiety, deep depression and self harmed a lot. I also often got work in late and didn't read enough, which, I am sure, contributed hugely to me getting a 2:1 instead of a 1st. I don't want something like that to happen to me again, so I'm going to stick with these a bit longer, and see how it goes. I'll report back, anyway.

So, what are your experiences?

Photo by Scott Feinstein

Together, we flushed the Paxil down the toilet.

Now, if you google "getting off paxil," you'll find a wealth of information telling you to ease off the medication gradually, under your doctor's supervision. But when I was on the drug 8 years ago, and I had no warning from my doctor about the need to taper down. Instead, I went cold turkey.

Ooh, what I've learned since then. Ooh, what I learned in the first 8 weeks. That's how long I suffered from the side effects - I mean "Discontinuation Syndrome" - that's the term the pharmaceutical industry uses for the headaches, nausea, crazy dreams, skin crawlies, and night sweats that I had for the next 2+ months. The symptoms coming off the drug were way worse than the deadened personality and lack of libido that caused me to quit it in the first place.

photo by Richard ZA

The worst was the night sweats. Bed soaking night sweats. Get up in the middle of the night to towel dry your sopping hair kind of night sweats. Wake up your partner with your shivering night sweats. (Bad night sweats is all I'm saying.) They continued off and on for OVER A YEAR after the other symptoms had disappeared.

My very short experiment with anti-depressants was over. And although I could hardly call it a success, my decision to quite the Paxil reminded me that I had choices, and it gave me back some of my strength. I still woke up some mornings crying, but I was determined I to find my old happy self. I was just a little uncertain about the path. Until Hubaloo suggested something really radical.

According to a story posted May 5th, 2008 by Mudassir Rizwan, Muslim Ulema from Oman, Sudan, Egypt, Indonesia, Pakistan, Lebanon, Kuwait, Germany, the US, Tunisia, Syria, Saudi Arabia, France, Morocco, India, Algeria, Hong Kong, Qatar, Britain, Denmark, Iraq, Turkey, Gambia, Afghanistan, Uzbekistan, and the United Arab Emirates are participating; over a hundred articles from foreign and domestic authors have been received by the secretariat of the conference of which 70 articles have been selected for presentation, he said.
"Preparing grounds for unity and solidarity of the Muslim World and bringing closer various cultural and scientific views are major goals of the conference. The participants are also to promote coexistence and find way out of current obstacles including the enemies' plots and secular thoughts. The Islamic unity charter which has so far been signed by over 2,000 Muslim thinkers and scholars will be studied by the delegates."

Here, find the Umah in action.

From waging heroic struggle against the onsalught of sleep

-
To a continued resistance against it;

From hiding faces

-

To Giving in;

From going overboard,

-

To blissfulness,

To an invitation to an open slumber party.

No wonder, people in North America are inquiring about the materials those chairs and tables are made of; about the general environment of that place in Tehran; about the sounds heard by the participants; and, indeed the ideas discussed by the presenters. Their quest is to adopt or improvise the methods used in this Conference to bring sleep to millions of sleepless North American. This can be a breakthrough for consumers who are spending fortunes on sleep-inducing and anti-depressant drugs, on special mattresses and beds, pillows and pillow covers, and on slumber music and videos.

Keep our fingers crossed.

Information sent to Uddari by Shahid Mirza of Lahore Chitrkar.

More on Islamic Unity
I need my sleep!

What Is Depression (And What It Is Not)?

"People who don't know, who say it's self-indulgence, sound callous, but it's not callousness born of indifference; I think it's callousness born of ignorance. That kind of ignorance we've got to get rid of, and little by little I suppose, we will. You say to them, 'It's a pity you don't know. I'm sure that if you knew, I'm sure that if you knew, not only wouldn't you say that, you'd try to help in one way or another.'" - Mike Wallace, On the Edge of Darkness

What Depression Is:

• Depression is an illness, in the same way that diabetes or heart disease are illnesses.
• Depression is an illness that affects the entire body, not just the mind.
• Depression is an illness that one in five people will suffer during their lifetime.

• Depression is the leading cause of alcoholism, drug abuse and other addictions.
• Depression is an illness that can be successfully treated in more than eighty percent of the people who have it.
• Depression is an equal-opportunity illness - it affects all ages, all races, all economic groups and both genders. Women, however, suffer from depression almost twice as much as men do.
• At least half of the people suffering from depression do not get proper treatment.
• Untreated depression is the number one cause of suicide.
• Depression is second only to heart disease in causing lost work days in America.
• Unipolar major depression is the leading cause of disability.

What Depression Is Not:

• Depression is not something to be ashamed of.
• Depression is not the same thing as feeling "blue" or "down."
• Depression is not a character flaw or the sign of a weak personality.
• Depression is not a "mood" someone can "snap out of." (Would you ask someone to "snap out of" diabetes or high blood pressure?)
• Depression is not fully recognized as an illness by most health care insurance providers. Most will only pay 50% of treatment costs for out-patient care, as well as limiting the number of visits.

from wingsofmadness.com

How Depression May Affect Your Life:

• Your place is a mess; laundry and dishes are piled up, mail is unopened, etc. (Assuming you usually stay on top of these things).
• You've been making excuses to friends why you can't get together with them, or you're telling them you're "just too tired."
• You've really let yourself go - you're wearing clothes that make you look dumpy, you've stopped exercising, you're not shaving unless it's absolutely necessary.
• You're wearing mostly dark colors.

• You're putting off things that need to be done: your car registration, taking that book back to the library, buying a birthday present for someone.
• You can't remember the last time you laughed a real laugh.
• You don't feel like you can handle your job anymore, even though nothing has changed so far as increased workload or responsibility.
• You're drinking or using drugs to escape the pain.
• You've been to the doctor a lot recently, for things like headaches, stomach aches, fatigue, but the doctor can't find anything wrong. Or you have convinced yourself you have a life-threatening illness - AIDS or cancer or a tumor.
• You wake up in the middle of the night, and can't go back to sleep. During the day you sleep a lot to escape from your life.
• It takes you a whole weekend to do chores that used to only occupy a morning.
• Since you've lost interest in things you used to enjoy doing, you try a lot of different activities in the hopes that you can find something to occupy your time.
• You have no ability to imagine or conceive of your life even a few days ahead - no plans, no hopes. You can't even be sure you'll still be here.
• You wear the same clothes a few days in a row - choosing new ones is too much effort.
• You lose things, you lose track of things and can't always remember what day it is.
• You've pretty much stopped eating, or caring what you eat and whether it tastes good.
• On the flip side, you may be eating all the time because you're bored and hope that food will somehow satisfy the vacant feeling you have.
• You've lost interest in sex or even physical affection. Hugging someone doesn't feel any different from leaning against a wall.
• You're reading escapist books (fantasy, sci-fi, romance, mystery) with little effort, but anything more demanding mentally (the classics, reading for school) is too much effort.
• You're avoiding talking to anyone to whom you have an obligation (your boss, friends who you're ignoring).
• You're watching TV constantly - lying on the couch or on/in your bed flicking the remote seems to be the most effort you can deal with.
• You hope you don't run into anyone you know while you're out. Not only is maintaining a normal conversation difficult, but you are sure they'll notice something is wrong with you.

from wingsofmadness.com

It was not really alarming at first, since the change was subtle, but I did notice that my surroundings took on a different tone at certain times: the shadows of nightfall seemed more somber, my mornings were less buoyant, walks in the woods became less zestful, and there was a moment during my working hours in the late afternoon when a kind of panic and anxiety overtook me…” - William Styron, Darkness Visible

Sometimes the Depression Self-Screening Test is just too clinical, and the symptoms don’t really “click” with you. Some of the criteria are general, and if you’re suffering from depression, specifics are easier to understand. I know that I might not have diagnosed myself with depression just on the basis of those symptoms. I had no change in appetite, and no sleep problems (waking up was what was difficult). Below are some un-clinical symptoms.

• Things just seem “off” or “wrong.”
• You don’t feel hopeful or happy about anything in your life.
• You’re crying a lot, either at nothing, or something that normally would be insignificant.
• You feel like you’re moving (and thinking) in slow motion.
• Getting up in the morning requires a lot of effort.
• Carrying on a normal conversation is a struggle. You can’t seem to express yourself.
• You’re having trouble making simple decisions.
• Your friends and family really irritate you.
• You’re not sure if you still love your spouse/significant other.
• Smiling feels stiff and awkward. It’s like your smiling muscles are frozen.
• It seems like there’s a glass wall between you and the rest of the world.
• You’re forgetful, and it’s very difficult to concentrate on anything.
• You’re anxious and worried a lot.
• Everything seems hopeless.
• You feel like you can’t do anything right.
• You have recurring thoughts of death and/or suicidal impulses. Suicide seems like a welcome relief.
• You have a feeling of impending doom - you think something bad is going to happen, although you may not be sure what.
• In your perception of the world around you, it’s always cloudy. Even on sunny days, it seems cloudy and gray.
• You feel as though you’re drowning or suffocating.
• You’re agitated, jumpy and and anxious much of the time.
• Your senses seem dulled; food tastes bland and uninteresting, music doesn’t seem to affect you, you don’t bother smelling flowers anymore.
• Incessantly and uncontrollably into your mind comes the memory of every failure, every bad or uncomfortable experience, interview or date, like a torrent of negativity.

from wingsofmadness.com

The doctor wrote me a prescription for Paxil, explaining hurriedly that it would relieve the symptoms of my depression by increasing the serotonin levels in my brain.

At the time, I was so anxious for help, that I would have done almost anything the doctor told me. I started the pills that evening without a second thought. Now that I know more about Paxil, and have a healthy distrust of the pharmaceutical industry, I would do a lot of independent research before filling the prescription. Experience is the ultimate teacher. Back then, I just wanted the pain to go away.

photo by wickedrugger

It took three days for the pills to kick in. For the first couple of weeks, the release of the sadness was inspiring. I got up in the morning and went off to work without weeping. I managed the stress at work more easily that I had been before. I started talking to my friends again. If I could have been happy, I would have been ecstatic. But that's the thing. I didn't couldn't feel anything. No highs, no lows. Nothing. The best description I've come up with is permanently stunned. H thinks zombified is more accurate...

Soon, the side effects kicked in. I became borderline narcoleptic, falling asleep on the couch every night right after work. Hubby would gather me up and take me to bed. Being carried to bed sounds romantic doesn't it? Except that my already reduced libido got even worse. To the point of not wanting to be touched. No. Really. DON'T TOUCH ME.

Then I made a monumental discovery. After a glass of wine, I could feel - happy and giddy. Two glasses were even better. Pour me another one, will you? Oh, might as well finish off the bottle...aaah...

That discovery got me through the next month and a half - almost every night. I went from a girl who had a couple drinks once or twice a week to someone who stopped at the liquor store every night on the way home. All the time telling myself that I was just taking the edge off. Just getting happy. Right? But still, don't touch me. SERIOUSLY.

I can't remember what stopped it. I'm sure Hubaloo had a talk with me, and I know that I knew that it wasn't right, and that it couldn't go on forever. And so one day, I didn't stop for wine on the way home. And I went back to the side effects. Not fun. Still better than the full on depression of three months ago, but certainly not much for either H or I.

And then, one day, I didn't like Paxil at all anymore. It had to go. Hubba Bubba agreed. We flushed the remainder of the bottle down the toilet. A ceremony reminiscent of the funeral service my mom and I had for my first goldfish. Liberated and getting stronger.

For the next year and a half, I lived with the consequences of my decision to go cold turkey.

Did you know about the patient dumping in Chicago? Well, we read all about it over at www.Obamatruth.org and so can you. Watch the videos. You need to know.

Oh, my. Those Lobbyists. They are just so ultra non-green, aren't they? Have a read over here at The National Review.

Then, the smartest blog I read has a whole new section called "Ammo" over at SavagePolitics.com

Maybe the Democratic Party does need ammo right now. Don't swallow the kool aid, or the big pharma pills. Be informed instead. This article off the Associated Press asks "what Obama might be hiding?"

http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jHRK0yklUyqHcCuhZqQgVVuxWwdQD90Q9TEG0

Democrats wonder that too. So, we are going to find out. Because that is the Democratic Way.

Ethics, the most important issue in this election. In a word? ETHICS. I can appreciate only Hillary Clinton and John McCain on those. You might want to ask Obama about the FEC. Or why it's closed right now. And, you might want to ask him about Alice Palmer too.

I have the urge, to cut..to scab my arms, my legs, my stomach my thighs..I need to be able to feel that, to release it.. It's reliable isin't it? When everyone walks out on you, those blades are still there, just a step away, shiny..and sharp..releiving..simply perfect.

I've been doing horrible lately..I've gained weight while i was in the hostpital, 10 pounds really (even tho, B said you can't even tell, and if anything it looks like i lost some), lies, all lies, i know it shows.. i can feel it..The jiggling of my fat while i'm doing my workout, my bones no longer cringing together when i sleep on my side, the gaps in my arms..filled.. It's excrutiating looking in the mirror. And it seems, that whatever i do, the scale just won't go down..I've been out of hostpital for 2 weeks now, and i've lost 2POUNDS!! THATS IT!! ..No matter how much i starve, how much i purge, or how many hours a day i workout, it just seems like it's going up and up and up..I don't understand it..

Theres 2 specific people in my life, that i would take a bullet for. One of them i've already mentionned, B, and the other, L. I feel like, lately, they are resenting me..My guess is because i've been hiding my feelings towards them, faking happy, telling them i can't talk about stuff for privacy issues, but really, i just don't want to break down and cry infront of them.. I feel like i should go and open up to them, really let them know what's going on..But, see, if i tell them i still think about suicide..cutting..they -will- report it, and theres no avoiding that once everything is said..So, you see, theres somethings that have to be left out, and i feel overly guilty leaving things out from them..I owe them my life, they diserve to know.. I love them.. Well, i won't see them until next week anyway, even if that. I hope they call me, or text me, or email me sometime in the next few days, just to see how i'm doing..I'll really need that to get through this bullshit right now...

I feel the urge to just go on and on about my, very very disfunctionnal and disturbed family. But, this is where the Anti-Depressants kick in, and just don't let me asses myself correctly..I guess, a part of me really does want to avoid thinking about it completely, but, i'd rather blame the medication, because, another part of me, wishes i could think about it...But then, i'd fall into a horrifying depression, and next time that happends...I won't be here the next day..And that's a promise. I'm sick and tired of dealing with myself. Not liking yourself is one thing, but having complete and utter hate for yourself, shuttering everytime you speak, cringing at every reflection, grunting when you wake in the morning..that..that's something completely different, something completely excrutiating...something that, if i fall again, i will NOT want to deal with.

Right now, i'm strong enough to deal with myself. But, i fear that, soon enough, i won't be able to handle who i am again/...

Life is depressing. Here come another wave of fears.

Life is crazy. I'm basicly just, lossing my mind today..

i can't write anymore, i can't concentrate..

But, maybe later, till then..bye

Anyway, so, my dad decided to leave my step-mom again, (like second time in a week frigg). And i've been on the phone with her all week until 3 in the morning..I'm absoloutely exhausted. Thing is, she's into a relapse right now, back on crack..depressed..she had 2 suicide attempts this week, i -have- to stay on the phone with her, cause it might be the last time i talk to her. Anyway, so she called me yesterday, and said that my dad is brining her to rehab..Like okay, what the hell happend? I mean, congrats on rehab, but wtf, you guys are talking now? You're all cool? All smiles and laughter??? What the hell!! None of them told me they were okay now. Wich is, ofcourse not expected from my father, cause he completely avoided me and shut me out all week, but my step-mom, i mean, i'm exhausted cause i was there for her..But doesn't bother telling me when things are alright?? You can't just -use- me like that. You can't just come to me when shit hits the fan, then just completly push me away when things are good again. Fucken right i'm insulted. Fucken family, they always only think abou themselves. Do they think this isin't getting to me? I -just- got out of the phsychiatric hostpital for suicide and self-harm..Do you think i'm stable?? OF COURSE I'M NOT!!!!!

URGH. Moving on. So, the anti-depressants are completely stealing me from myself. Understand it if you will, but it's horrifying. I'm not who i am anymore..Theres no more sparkle in my eyes..I can't feel anything..Not even hapiness..Atleast, when i wasn't on medication, i could have those rare moments where i'd catch myself smilling..But now?? It's more fake than ever. Oh my gosh,  once i start ranting, i never stop.

Anyway, i'm sick and home from school, so i guess i better go for a snooze or something relaxing.

'Till the next rant,

I just finished reading "Manic: A Memoir" a few days ago, so I thought I'd share my opinion with you. The book is the memoir of this high-powered female attorney from Los Angeles who has bipolar disorder. I'm usually really interested in most books related to mental illness issues, so of course I was excited to read this book. First I should say that overall I thought it was a pretty good read. It kept a fast pace and it kept me from drifting off. Sometimes I can't pay much attention to things when I am reading, so it was nice to just leisurely read this book without much effort. The author's story was compelling and the writing was okay, but there seemed to be something missing. I felt like the author was still very detached from her illness and couldn't describe her emotions very well. It seems like she talked about what was happening at particular moments, but didn't extensively get into her inner struggle. And, it was kind of strange, but I didn't really empathize with the "character/woman" in the memoir. Maybe she didn't want us to empathize with her or maybe she didn't care one  way or the other. On a scale of zero to five, I would probably give this 3.5 stars and I would say if you are at all interested in mental illness memoirs, do pick up a copy, but you might want to wait for the paperback edition. Also, if you are interested in a book that seems to be written in a more compelling way, check out Elyn R. Saks' "The Center Cannot Hold." It is her memoir of her life with schizophrenia. Also enjoyable is "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jamison who is pretty much considered an expert in the field of mental health. She writes about it, she has problems of her own, and she is a psychiatrist herself!! Anyway, a lot of good reads out there this year. It is good to see mental illness getting some shelf space!