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Hello you guysss! Beautiful day today in Pennsylvania :)

Oh boy! where do I start?

Yesterday was a good day for me. It was one of those peaceful happy days that not many people have often, so I really tried not to take it for granted- and I didn't.

Relationshipwise everything was wonderful. I really mean that... BUT then came the night.

Okay where do I begin?... well I was sexually rejected. Straight to the point.

So based on everything you guys have read on my blog, you guys can tell that I am sensitive on that area of my womanhood. I really dislike being rejected. What woman doesn't?

It doesn't matter how beautiful you are, if you are rejected by the man you love, you feel UGGGLY! and you feel crushed. That's how I feel.

I have felt rejected before and it ussually lasts the whole night and then I get over it in the morning and just remember that he loves me and that he always wants me, but that it just wasn't a good night for him. Well, this time is not happening. I feel just like I felt the moment it happened... I actually feel worst. I'm not mad, I am just... hurt.

Usually when you have a great day with your partner, you have this fairytale idea of how the day is going to end. So do I, but I guess it didn't happen. Now, rejecting is bad in itself- but you have to be careful on what moment you reject.

He rejected me when I had my fucking clothes off.

I am not mad, just want to make that clear. I am swearing just because in a way I am mad at myself. I always throw myself out there to him sexually and I don't rely on these kind of moment. The more you throw yourself out there the more it hurts.

I cried so much last night over this. That is another thing that makes me mad also. I hate crying.

He tried to make it up to me, but girls come on! you know it feels like a "job" after something like that happens. It might not be that way, but it feels like they are just doing it to please you, and that is a turn off on itself.

Another thing is that he didn't "verbally" reject me, but his actions spoke for themselves. He was falling asleep, and I ... well I was LITERALLY moaning.

See what I mean about throwing myself out there? I went all the way to a place that I shouldn't have gone to. To dangerous to my ego and pride.

Then I cried and I got really angry, not at him.. just angry- period. Then you start thinking silly things about how you should make him feel the same way, but then I realized that I won't even have to. It is going to take me some time to get over this one, because every time that the sex topic comes up, I am going to remember last night and feel really bad. Horniness and hurt don't work very well together.

I am sure that he NEVER meant for any of that to happen. I believe it in my heart, but like I said to him...

It really doesn't matter if you meant it or not because in the end... it hurts just the same.  :(

But anyways...

It's summer and I'm not in college so, I'm gonna spend my time watching movies and eating... YAY! :)

Have a good week!

(Acts 7:51 KJV)  Ye stiffnecked and uncircumcised in heart and ears, ye do always resist the Holy Ghost: as your fathers did, so do ye.

(2 Tim 3:8 KJV)  Now as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, reprobate concerning the faith.

(James 4:7 KJV)  Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

I continue to get, read grossly unrespectable, unacceptable  absurd,  false Responses, and  false justifications from  people and supporters of those who have wrongfully  indulged into sins of drugs, smoking, alcohol, stealing or what ever all of my life even from even liars, professing Christians, ongoing church goers, all persons whose minds, habits  now are rather controlled by Satan clearly as well, Now supporting such bad acts, habits, persons makes you in fact an unacceptable accomplice in these matters too.

YOU ARE STILL KNOWN BY WHAT YOU DO NOW.

(Mat 7:18 KJV)  A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.

(Luke 6:43 KJV)  For a good tree bringeth not forth corrupt fruit; neither doth a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.

(Mat 7:19 KJV)  Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.

(Mat 7:20 KJV)  Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.

(Mat 7:21 KJV)  Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.

(Luke 10:17 KJV)  And the seventy returned again with joy, saying, Lord, even the devils are subject unto us through thy name.

(Rom 8:7 KJV)  Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be.

(1 Pet 5:5 KJV)  Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.

(Prov 27:5 KJV)  Open rebuke is better than secret love.

(Prov 27:6 KJV)  Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.

(Eccl 7:5 KJV)  It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, than for a man to hear the song of fools.

(Eccl 7:6 KJV)  For as the crackling of thorns under a pot, so is the laughter of the fool: this also is vanity.

Mr. Spurgeon should have practice what he preached firstly for he could not give up his sin of smoking a cigar even. And too many other pastors did not and could not give up alcohol, drunkenness, adultery, cheating, lying stealing,, and what else?  Genuine Born Again Evangelical Christians are total abstainers from smoking, drugs, alcohol, cheating, lying, stealing, tax evasions, pornography, or rather all personal vices. Reality! These days it is too hard to tell the difference between secular persons and even evangelical pastors, Christians they seem to do the same things too. Why are alcoholics always in denial? and why do they often lie,  cheat, steal also now? Because if they do admit the truth they are alcoholics, sinners too  they do have now to repent of the sin of disobeying God’s word about being drunk too.. so they take the ostrich denial approach instead too often. Alcoholism still is a sin of a deliberate, personal choice, and to be set free you have to admit your sin, confess it, renounce it, ask God for forgiveness through Jesus Christ as well.. It is not only wrong for the average person it is also especially wrong for leaders in the government, politicians. It is amazing how one can quickly spot an alcoholic, while they cannot still see their sin, and how quick they are to oppose themselves being exposed now too..
 
I admit I had lost all respect for the supposedly great preacher Spurgeon who was so ready to preach to others about their sins, but he himself now could not resist  the Temptation of a cigar.  Similar we find out that other preachers could not give up smoking too.. Look at this reference in regard to AB Simpson, the past founder of the Christian Missionary Alliance denomination now too.  “The Man, the movement, and the mission-A documentary of the C&MA”  Cut directly from their national web site. It was the custom for the ministers of the district to meet together to discuss all things common. This little reunion, in its proper sequence, was held one day at the Manse. And unaccountably strange odor of tobacco smoke began to steal upstairs. Suddenly the study door flew open and a towering figure of fury - all of four feet, one inch in its stocking feet - stood at the threshold. “SMOKING! Out of this house!” said Grannie Simpson, and in a body the ministerial association moved.  https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=15796002&postID=3424830162204895882    http://reversion-clause.com/

(Eccl 7:7 KJV)  Surely oppression maketh a wise man mad; and a gift destroyeth the heart.

(Eccl 7:8 KJV)  Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof: and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.

(Eccl 7:9 KJV)  Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.

Genuine Born Again even Evangelical Christians are total abstainers from smoking, drugs, alcohol, cheating, lying, stealing, tax evasions, pornography, or rather all personal vices. And if you took 2 martinis or 2 beers a day you are an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a crime and not a disease, it is a crime, it is just as lethal, bad, and it is really unacceptable as selling or taking bad drugs too. Canada’s  bad drug problem, drunk driving, alcoholism is increasing not just amongst the teens, but also in the work place, in the government now as well even amongst the civil and public servants. Most major home violence, car or truck accidents are still associated with alcohol now too and not speeding. It’s a fact that  drinking alcohol can seriously damage one’s health and cause permanent brain damage as well .Alcohol may lead to liver problems, a variety of cancers as well as forms of osteoporosis and depression, and studies are showing, too, that women are more susceptible to the ill effects of alcohol than are men. . Not one cent of taxpayer’s money should be ever used in the governments, civil  and public servants, expense accounts  to buy alcohol, wine  or beer.
 
Reality! These days it is too hard to tell the difference between secular persons and even evangelical pastors, Christians they seem to do the same things too. Why are alcoholics and smokers now too, sinners, always in denial? and why do they often lie,  cheat, steal also now? Because if they do admit the truth they are alcoholics, sinners too  they do have now to repent of the sin of disobeying God’s word about being drunk too.. so they take the ostrich denial approach instead too often. Alcoholism still is a sin of a deliberate, personal choice, and to be set free you have to admit your sin, confess it, renounce it, ask God for forgiveness through Jesus Christ as well.. It is not only wrong for the average person it is also especially wrong for leaders in the government, politicians. It is amazing how one can quickly spot an alcoholic, while they cannot still see their sin, and how quick they are to oppose themselves being exposed now too..

and what other pastoral, supposedly acceptable Christian  vices now are now being PERMITTED falsely today,  the handing out of beer, wine, alcoholic beverages, playboy, pornography, acts of cheating, lying, stealing, STEALING THE TITHES, adultery, tax evasions still? WE ALL DO NEED to have a right attitudes, WALK WITH JESUS CHRIST  EVEN  all of leaders, pastors, elders too, and they have to lead by a good personal example too.
 
Even the most anointed man or woman, preacher  of God clearly still can be wrong, biased, have a hidden agenda, limited, (or just shallow) in their understanding or interpretation of certain Bible topics, subjects. Do not believe any man or women, rather solely Take God’s word for it.
 
We all should by now know that alcoholism is a terrible sin  that now damages the person’s brain, affects their ability  to work, to drive a car, and negatively affects their own behavior and affects many others too. The same reality is true of one taking now bad drugs as well. So I was also similarly shocked, surprised to discover the the falsely professing evangelical Christian Stephen Harper our Prime Minister likes to consume wine, alcohol, and he buys it for others as well. Beyond a Biblical doubt the Genuine Born Again Evangelicals are total abstainers, like me, I never drink or touch wine or alcohol, at any time, nor do I give playboy, pornography, wine or wine glasses to anyone.
 
““Dr. Daniel Akin, President of Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary has written an article in favor of the famous Resolution #5 (Resolution calling for total opposition to alcohol). Alcohol is the number one drug problem among teenagers. (1 Cor. 8:13; 9:19-22; 10:32-33). Because I am an example to others, I will make certain no one ever walks the road of sorrow called alcoholism because they saw me take a drink and assumed, “if it is alright for him it is alright for me.” No, I will choose to set an uncompromising example of abstinence because I love them.  I will seek my joy and filling in the Spirit not in alcohol. I love the Phillips translation of Ephesians 5:18 which reads, “Don’t get your stimulus from wine (for there is always the danger of excessive drinking), but let the Spirit stimulate your souls.” Psalm 4:7-8 adds, “You [O Lord] have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound. In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.”  There is no record that Jesus drank strong drink,  As a pastor or church leader, would I demand abstinence for  leadership? Absolutely! The principle of Proverbs 31:4-5 is appropriately applied here, “It is not for Kings, O Lemuel, it is not for kings to drink wine, or for rulers to take strong drink, lest they drink and forget what has been decreed and pervert the rights of all the afflicted.” “
 
(1 Cor 11:28 KJV)  But let a man examine himself, and so let him eat of that bread, and drink of that cup. 29  For he that eateth and drinketh unworthily, eateth and drinketh damnation to himself, not discerning the Lord’s body. 30   For this cause many are weak and sickly among you, and many sleep. 31  For if we would judge ourselves, we should not be judged. (Prov 3:33 KJV)  The curse of the LORD is in the house of the wicked: but he blesseth the habitation of the just.

 
Jesus himself had said that professing to be a Christian is not enough,  one rather can  tell what a person is really like by what he does,  a True Christian is one who evidently is controlled by the Spirit of God and not by  self, sin, a real Christian is one where thus anyone can clearly see by the evidence of the fruit of the Holy Spirit, including even self control.

Matt 3:8 Bring forth fruit that is consistent with repentance [let your lives prove your change of heart];

Gal 5:23 Gentleness (meekness, humility), self-control (self-restraint, continence). Against such things there is no law [that can bring a charge].

Matt 7:16 You will fully recognize them by their fruits. Do people pick grapes from thorns, or figs from thistles?17 Even so, every healthy (sound) tree bears good fruit [worthy of admiration], but the sickly (decaying, worthless) tree bears bad (worthless) fruit. 18 A good (healthy) tree cannot bear bad (worthless) fruit, nor can a bad (diseased) tree bear excellent fruit [worthy of admiration].  19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and cast into the fire. 20 Therefore, you will fully know them by their fruits.  1 Tim 3:2 Now a bishop (superintendent, overseer) must give no grounds for accusation {but} must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, circumspect {and} temperate {and} self-controlled; [he must be] sensible {and} well behaved {and} dignified and lead an orderly (disciplined) life; [he must be] hospitable [showing love for and being a friend to the believers, especially strangers or foreigners, and be] a capable {and} qualified teacher,

Alcoholics, wine drinkers, smokers, drug users, cheaters, liars, slandereres, absuers, liars, tax evaders  too they all  tend to have evidentially lost their self control..

I have often rightfully said to many preachers I would rather see them first by example live the life of Christ instead of merely preaching it others.  Preaching the Gospel is not an valid alternative to living it.  I even do know People who profess to be Christians and they are Alcoholics too.. but they are not Christians… They fool themselves only as to who they still really are too.

By their own fruits Jesus said to us all you can tell what they are really like still.

..(Prov 16:25 KJV)  There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.

(Mat 7:20 KJV)  Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them. 21  Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. 22  Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? 23  And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity. 24  Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock: 25  And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock. 26  And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand:
 
 > I did not know that smoking is a sin?

Every single guy I've been with has been the use them and lose them type thing. And "been with" doesn't mean fucked, more of the "chosen one for the night" type thing. Sounds way better. But even my drunken self has limits, so I'm a good person like that.... sometimes. Go figure that because I'm female I try really hard to make it last after that. My mind thinks "well, you hooked them drunk, maybe a little extra effort can get something started!", and every fucking time we have this period where we have that left over connection, but nobody gets forward and nothing happens. Ever. I've never had a real boyfriend. God knows I have some fun attachment issues, but I'd like to work that out.

More so I'd like to find a good way to work over my potential real problem: being in love with "Mark". Mark being my best friend and all.... it's not going to happen. No matter who my flavor of the week is, when I think of the future I think of us together. He doesn't. He makes me laugh more than anyone else ever could, he makes me cry more than he could possibly know, and he makes me angrier than I knew I could be, but fuck it I love him. Being friends with someone for 12 years can do that I guess. I know him better than anyone and I know he hates that. I'm fairly sure he's not that big of a fan of me being the one there for him, but he should have picked better way back when I guess. I don't even know how this happened. We talked a while ago, constantly on AIM. I guess when you find out more about someone than they want you to know you get forced into a trust.

Being replaced so openly is rough. Knowing he doesn't care is worse. After he moves.... I don't know. I told him "you know, this is the last summer like this. When we can just drive around and watch our dumb shit every night and see each other every day." and his answer was "it happens.".

That boy is so good at tearing me down and its worse because he fucking knows it.

I took care of both of my parents, my mother was sick, died of cancer, my father was had Parkinsons and was cantankerous.  During that time I married and raised two children.  Worked full-time for Fedex and worked full time at home taking care of my children and the house.  I divorced, remarried, became a grandmother, divorced again.  Helped my children through divorces.  Helped raise grandsons.  All the while trying to do all the things a woman does, cleaning, cooking, groceries, spending "quality" time with the kids and all the time pretty much overwhelmed and exhausted. 

During my life I have been an observer.  I have watched the relationships of the people around me.  I have watched women become "liberated".  By the way, I am now 52 (just, my birthday was June 5th).  I was against being a "liberated" woman.  I never wanted to give up my superior position as a woman to be "equal" with men! 

I have watched women try to do it all.  I am hoping to help this newest generation of prospective wives and mothers understand what they are going to be going through so that they don't end up angry and bitter like so many middle age women are.  Boy, am I going to get the emails from this!  Yes, there are a ton of angry BITTER middle-age women out there. 

When you are young, and have the optimism of youth on your side, you have a picture of how things will be. How your marriage will be, how your kids will be, then reality hits and hits hard.  Usually within two years the disillusionment sets in.  I feel it is my destiny in life to help young women in particular, but all women in general, understand the difficulties in marriage and relationships.  I want young women to know what is ahead of them.  If you know what is ahead you can work on solutions before it becomes a crisis.

This all started because I read an article about a woman that heated up two quarts of cooking oil to the boiling point and threw it on her husband.  What drives a woman to that point?  At times I will write about other women that have come to their breaking point.  The most famous case being Lorena Bobbit.  A hero to some! Cut her husband penis off with a knife, took it with her in the car and threw it out the window.  Now that is a woman that has been pushed too far! (cheating husband, abuse, forcing her to have an abortion, etc) In case anyone doesn't know the outcome, the police searched for said missing penis, found it!, and doctors sewed it back on.  Mr. Bobbit went on to become a porn star and then repented and became a preacher.  There is actually a picture of the severed penis on the internet if you want to look it up.  Lorena was deemed not guilty of malicious wounding but deported to her native country, Venezuela.

My point being that women need an outlet other than maiming or killing the husband.   So come back and get a laugh, cry a little, or just get mad, but know, you are not alone!

Until next time.  Boni

I didn't mean to get into my whole psyche problems in this thing. I just meant to say that I'm not happy right now, and that I finished reading the blog of that one person.
Oh, and "that one person"?  If you did read this....I'm not like this all the time.  Just sometimes.  And by sometimes I mean times like now,  and the other times I go into a rage on here.  I'm sorry.  And, yes, I am one of those crazy freaky peoples I said I didn't want you to turn out to be.  I can't put up with me, so you see, the theory is, I couldn't put up with someone else like me.  And, by the way, I loved your blog.  You had me laughing out loud - which hardly ever happens when I'm on the computer.  And, of course, just most of the extremeness of it all was interesting too.  Thanks for writing it all.  And, ummm.....Once you get back from your trip across the country.....Eh, I'll just email you when I'm back, or your on messenger or something...I am so not getting into this right now as well.

But, that's it.
I'm out fools.
Expect me back in, oh, two weeks.
Hopefully I'll have a new outlook on life, will be happy all the time, and won't have flown into some psychotic episode - and I won't be in one of them straight jacket things.
I hope......

Today I received a letter in the post from the Orthopaedic department. I have seen the consultant there on one occasion and my initial appointment with him lasted approximately 4 minutes – I felt after the appointment it was a waste of my time attending and the consultant’s attitude was rude. I was of course referred for a Nerve Conduction Test which took place last week and was done by a technician who was extremely nice. She advised me the results would go back to the consultant and more than likely I would need a scan to see if I had a trapped nerve somewhere in my neck causing the endless pins and needles and cramp I get in my hands.

The letter I have received today says:-

Dear

We have received the provisional report of the nerve conduction study of the upper extremity. There is no significant entrapment neuropathy detected. Your symptoms therefore are most probably related to a diabetic peripheral neuropathy and you are unlikely to benefit from orthopaedic treatment.

Fine.

I only wish I’d had this letter in hand this morning before I attended my podiatry appointment at my local surgery. This is something that happens for most diabetics once a year along with routine retinal eye screening. Although the last appointment I had with podiatry was in fact two years ago. I have good feet I take care of them and always have and today’s appointment went well and my feet passed with flying colours. I can feel all the sensations and my pulses in my feet are excellent, in fact the lady doing it said I had nice ankles because they where tiny! A nice compliment!

So in fact I show no signs of Diabetic Neuropathy in my feet so it’s therefore highly unlikely I would have it in my hands. My diabetes is perfectly controlled as I reported last month here my HABC1 was 6.2 (I did put 6.5 I was wrong as I found out today and a whole .3 makes a big difference!) 6.2 equals fantastic diabetes control as the target figure is to aim under 8.

I am a good diabetic, in the last twelve months I have got my high blood sugars under control and my diet has never been better. I wake up most mornings and my blood sugars register under 5 and I barely ever eat between meals. I am aware the weight loss of 50lbs+ has helped and I am still aiming for more weight loss but at a more healthily achievable way rather than obsessing over dieting.

The way I see it is the consultant took one look at the young overweight girl with diabetes and automatically decided if I didn’t have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome then we would blame it on Diabetic Neuropathy – he practically said as much in the first appointment. He didn’t even enquire if my diabetes was under control or what my last HABC1 was and whether or not I had problems with my feet.

I feel fobbed off and frankly I am annoyed. If I’d been normal weight I have no doubt I would have been treated different if I’d presented with the symptoms I have.

Now I don't want to get into the long list of insane things that Watson has said in the past, which include statements about killing off all stupid people to remove them from the gene pool and that a women should be allowed to abort if she knew her child was going to be born a homosexual, I simply want to express my opinion that his current statement is not only important enough to be worth mentioning, but also completely pointless to be angry about.  

Most of the anger about Watson's point of view seems to stem from the simple fact that he is a scientist and therefore (I think anyway) assumes that when he comes to a conclusion, other people will look at his findings with an open mind and be at the very least intrigued.  However most people are far more prone to illogical and irrational reactions then to open debate of scientific study.  So by stating that African's are not as intelligent as other ethnic groups, which considering his past problems with social interactions, he more then likely also stated this information in a cold scientific way which came across as hateful bigotry.

He apologized for offending anyone unintentionally, though I still feel he has nothing to apologize for, so for a moment I'm going to hypothetically assume that what he stated is in fact 100 percent true.  

One of his points was that it is simply illogical to assume that various ethnic groups' intelligence would evolve in exactly the same way despite being geologically separated for long periods of history.  Our body structures differ greatly, so why wouldn't our brains also differ when compared to one another?  This being true would certainly make one think about everyone on earth being equal in a new light, but most people already know that the idea of everyone having an equal chance at excelling is a fairy tale.  Most of our future capability is decided at conception by the genetic code given to us by our parents, and nothing aside from genetic tinkering can change that.  

Another important thing that Watson stated was that while he found this to be the norm, there were still lots of African people that greatly excel in intelligence.  He was trying to talk about genetic predisposition, not make a sweeping statement that all Africans are the dumbest people on earth.  

My biggest complaint about being be made about this isn't even that they just simply shouldn't be made at a scientist for simply being a scientist and stating something that could be fact.  My complaint is that is statement, be it true or false, does not alter or change a single IQ of anyone on earth.  Finding out that a certain ethnic group might now be as gifted in the brain as another doesn't make any member of that group less intelligent then they were prior just as it doesn't make any other ethnic group more intelligent then they were previously.  

It's so petty to be angry at something that you have no control over and ultimately does not affect your life. I feel as though we should know everything we can about the human mind, about every humans mind.  We set up rules in society under the assumption that everyone basically understands and thinks on the same exact level when ultimately that might just be an oversized pipe dream.  

Hopefully one day we can get over ourselves and begin to accept and work with our various differences instead of bicker over them.

And no, all guys that talk to me don't get this treatment.
Only the ones who ask me to be their live-in cum-swallower (in joking or not).

Yours truly is back from the hell hole they call Haifa Air Force Base =].

Since I experienced a lot this week, I have a very important lesson for you my friends!

Appreciate Every Little Thing You Have In Your Life!!

I mean every little god given thing you have in your life. As simple as a clean toilet, where you can sit in piece and do your “business” in piece. Bed to sleep on, light to read with, friends to talk with, food to eat and water to drink.

I personally experienced the need in the last 2. I literally starved to sleep while I was thirsty as marathon runner on the 36^th kilometer of the way. I showered in a shower with no head, just a pipe coming out from the wall…

So listen when I tell you, APPRICIATE EVERY LITTLE THING IN YOUR LIFE!

I am thankful for this experience because I did have a hard time with saying thanks for everything I have and personally I think I stopped appreciating a lot of things in my life. But now I can honestly tell you I am back on track and please don’t make the same mistake as I did.

We create our contrasts in life, my friends. So next time when you get in uncomfortable satiation, don’t just curse and be angry at something or somebody, stop for a second and think why could you attract this into your life. What lesson life is trying to teach you here? Because inevitably we create those contrasts in life to serve us well, and There Are No Failures Only Lessons In Success!!

Take care!

     As Christians, we aren't exempt from being angry or upset.  God has given us emotions, but the way that we handle the emotions can be a test beyond measure.  I was reading a little story written by Richard De Haan called Inside Out that I thought did a great job in illustrating this example.

     He referred to a missionary by the name of Hudson Taylor who while giving a sermon filled a glass with water and placed it on a table in front of him.  As he was speaking, he pounded his fist hard enough to make the water splash onto the table.  He then explained, "You will come up against much trouble.  But when you do, remember, only what's in you will spill out.

     That's worth thinking about, isn't it?  When we are mistreated or misunderstood, how do we respond?  With loving words, patience, and kindness?  Or are we inclined to retaliate in anger?

     When we live under the control of the Holy Spirit, we will show it by the way we react to the jolting trials and temptations of life.  How we respond to trying, embarrassing situations, that are suddenly thrust upon us is a good test of how much we have grown in grace.

     It is possible to suppress frustration and anger, and to appear undisturbed to people around us.  But if our heart is full of the Savior's love, we will respond to the jostling of an unexpected trial with genuine patience and kindness.  Like a full glass of water, what's inside of us will spill over on the outside."

Quote of the day:  Our Daily Bread

"When trouble grows, your character shows."

Bible verse of the day:  Mark 7:20

And He said, "What comes out of a man, that defiles a man."

Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,

Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. I pray that You continue to direct my steps by Your Word and give me understanding according to Your Word.  You are my keeper and my protector.  Father, I ask that You continue to do a move throughout this nation.  I pray for the church in general that mighty men and women arise and start listening to the call that You have for each of them.  Father, we are living in a different time, and as such, I pray that through these times, You will shine through situations and Your Word is spread like wild fire so souls are saved.  Father use me as Your vessel to reach those that don't know You and continue to build in me, if it's Your Will, a zeal that will consume me all the days of my life.  Father, I love You and I thank You for this day!  Continue to guide us with our move and as we prepare for an upcoming busy week, may we stay focused on You and look a

In Jesus Name I pray,

Amen

I hope these demotivational statements help you wake up and realize that you are just as stupid and useless as the masses. That being said, it has worked for this long, so keep on trucking. You pathetic oxygen wasters.
Strow

This post could probably be one of the most insensitive ones I've written, or simply an honest one resulting from my running-out-of-patience and unwillingness to give excuses to others...

So here's another boring overdue analysis; and to facilitate the writing and dull-elaborating process I'd be using my uninteresting self as a to-be-repeated-frequently example; it's worth mentioning however that I'm not necessarily talking about myself! (huh?)

So here we go, starting off easy;

When I'm being all positive, I attract all that is good and positive to come to me. I become a happier person. It's as if the realization of what good I have, coupled with my positive attitude, makes me amplify whatever more good that comes my way and minimize whatever bad bits that I bump into.

When I'm grumpy/negative, all negative charges gather around me and stick with super glue. Bad things start to come out of nowhere to make me even grumpier. The grumpiness or depression takes no notice of whatever good that could come out of anything, and all energy is focused on the negative things that come along, no matter how tiny they could be.

When I'm happy, as radiant as I can be; all smiles and warm rays of happiness, I become highly provocative to others who are not as happy, or who have too much trouble, or who simply persist to stay unhappy and cynical. I become an outcast, an alien, as the majority is in fact depressed. I also could become a blessing, as some few individuals need that "bright sun" that is my smile to shine and push away those dark clouds.

When I'm grumpy, I surprisingly fit in just fine with others. People seem to relate to my grumpiness and "depression". I'm perceived as one of them. I become dimmed, heavier, sick, impatient and restless yet unwilling to go anywhere. However, I am also condemned for all of it; for how dare I be grumpy around others? They certainly do not need that!

Anyhow, my point is it's all about attitude. I could be SAD and still be capable of smiling to myself and others, still capable of keeping a positive attitude, no matter how drained my strength is to keep it. And it's not cause I care enough to "not trouble others with my sorrows"... hell no... I can trouble others with my "sorrows" all I want if I feel like it (hmm...really?); I mean they might think they're doing the same thing sometimes and I rarely ever have a problem with it cause I genuinely care (hmm.. depends on who they are). However, I'll keep that positive attitude for MY sake, to snap out of sadness, to feel better, to keep reassuring myself that better things will come my way, and basically out of my belief that if I expect good things to happen they will, and if I expect bad things to happen they wont disappoint me.

Of course words are so freaking easy, yeah I know! I'm not saying my so called theories are valid all the time; there are other things to be put in consideration. Nonetheless, they still make perfect sense in most cases. I personally cannot even define my current state of mind; surely I am not in distress but I... still can't define it and maybe I shouldn't bother so much with pointless definitions and futile analyses, all I know now is that if I believe in good things, the associated vibes will surely help out. And all I'm saying is that people should try that every once in a while (if they can afford it, but who's to automatically rule out that possibility?)

I know it's cruel and insensitive to just say that but I'm seriously sick of sulky grouchy faces with closed up spirits and very very little faith! I know I'm in no place to sit back and judge (and btw sweety I swear I don't mean you, umm.. assuming you know who you are :/ ), but hey... it's not like I'm all jumping up and down goofily happy and shit... I understand alright... I just hate it when people refuse to try to feel good, I hate it when they give up so freakin easily, and I hate it when they have no faith, I hate it when they don't work for it, and I hate it when they don't notice the goodness they're blessed with! I hate it when people are ungrateful and I hate it when they act like they're the only desperately unhappy people on the face of the planet (even if they do so unconsciously). ALL of it is okay and even allowed sometimes just as long as it's not a permanent state of being, but when it exceeds a certain time limit, it becomes absurd.

Yes, I'm judging them! I dislike this sort of attitude and I believe that they can control a huge part of it if they want to! I'm not saying people can change their misfortunes, I'm saying they should have a little faith that things COULD change for the better, and if they cannot have that faith... then I suggest they go ahead and end their lives - less talk, more action - cause there's no point in living when you have absolutely no hope for a better way to live, ONLY when I reached that state it crossed my mind to end my life... and ONLY cause I realized that this is so easy - such an easy way out with unpleasant consequences - and that I owe it to myself and to others to do some damn effort did I change my mind though I had little faith at the time.

So just cause most of you people out there are drowned in sad shit, it doesn't mean you HAVE to walk around like zombies all the time... ALL THE TIME! And just cause some people are NOT walking like zombies and who try to look at the Brightside of things, it doesn't mean THEY are trouble free! It's not like that alright! Nothing is easy; you work for it, so freaking work for it and believe in what you're working for.

Damn it, I'm not saying people should force themselves to be happy, I'm just saying try and smile every once in a while, maybe JUST MAYBE that seemingly ugly face of the world will smile right back at you!

Now I'm just pissed!

Mostly though it's because there is just something... missing.

I'm feeling very disconnected from this sport that I love. Like the step-child, forced into a new family, who just doesn't quite fit in. I spent so many months trying to convince everyone else to give this thing a shot, but as my spirit begins to fade, no one has taken on that role for me. So here I sit, mid season, disillusioned, disappointed, disapproving and slightly disheveled. ( that last one's the new job taking it's toll on me)

It's the Thursday of race week. My race week. The week I lose sleep over every year. The week my non-gearhead friends know not to expect a return phone call. I should be beside myself, giddy with anticipation of friends and coworkers descending upon my fair city for a week of auto racing splendor. I should be grinning like a cheshire cat each time I see a commercial or hear a newscastor mention the Grand Prix of Toronto. I should be sitting at a downtown bar having a heated discussion with my racing buddies about the in's and out's of the series and teams and drivers.

Only my racing buddies aren't here. The bars are ghost towns. There is nary a checkered banner or poster of a race car anywhere. The start/finish line is faded and scuffed, yet still there, taunting... a painful reminder of all that we've lost. Oh sure, there will be a race here next year... but it will never be same.

I'm sangry. I'm Angrad. I'm the perfect combination of angry and sad. Instead of the cosmopolitan, fast paced, action packed, world class event I'm used to, I'm instead driving into the middle of upper New York cottage country in some desperate attempt to fill the void. Now I'm sure it's a perfectly lovely place. And a perfectly lovely track. But... *sigh*

I have such mixed feelings going into the weekend. On the one hand I'm so looking forward to catching up with my chums. *waves to my soon to be roomie from Australia!* On the other hand, I feel like I'm being lead to the firing squad. (dramatic much??) But seriously, for the first time, ever, I am "without team" or driver. My weekends consist of interviews, writing and mostly standing in PT's pits whenever he's on track. Well, he's not on track... anywhere! (don't even get me started again...) A fact that hits' me in little waves as I prepare for my weekend. Every piece of racing gear I own is either Champ Car or Forsythe or covered in Monster logos. So this weekend, I'm going with basic black. Kind of fitting as I feel as though I'm in mourning.

I HATE THIS! I hate feeling this way! I hate the disparity. I hate the car. I hate the bullshit, media hyped "danicamania". I hate that I really couldn't give a shit who is in the chase for the championship because I have zero connection with anyone in the hunt. I hate the blank, despondent faces of the transitioning drivers staring at me from my television every week, because they're mirroring mine. I hate that the fall out has all but destroyed the Atlantic series. I hate that I'm filled with so much... hate.  *exhale*

Ok... that's out of my system... figured I better purge all of that from my brain before I walk into the media centre on Friday.

I'm going to try to keep an open mind. Bear with me though as I am about to attend my first ever IRL event. Just typing that made my skin crawl a bit. See it's one thing to sit and write about it as "media". I detach myself from it in those cases. I've a job to do, and I do it. But underneath the media credential is a fan. A CART/Champ Car fan.  A fan who fought for and supported and stood up for and was ultimately let down by not just a "racing series" but an ideal. A dream, a hope, a philosophy.

Believe me, I want to be excited again. I want to be giddy with anticipation. I want to get chills when the cars fire up and peel out of the pits. I want to cheer on and support a team and a driver. I want to believe that there is a real future to look forward too and not just some smoke and mirrors version of open wheel. I look forward to the day when I can look at this series and American open wheel as more than the consolation prize that was behind door number 2.

I want to hear her voice.
I want to argue with her.
I want to scream at her.
I want to cry.

But she wouldn't care enough to:
Argue back.
scream.
or even cry over me..

Game one 9s
Red vs. white
I on bases and newbie [not my son] on plate.
No one on
Screamer up third base line
I pivot but I peek at the ball as it passes third (it is foul but I hear no indication)
[I now that if I do not hear foul I am going to have a shit storm on my hands]
I watch the runner cross first and go to second I hear the shit storm thunder "what's the call blue?.....you have to make a call blue!" now there is no way to convey the anger and rage that is in this voice but trust me when I turned I expected to see this coach holding my 16 year old partner by the throat.
Runner stops I turn to handle the shit storm and there is my partner doe eyed and in full panic mode. The coach is screaming and he is not telling the coach a thing. I call time and the coach starts to come out to me. I hold the umpire hand out to him and tell him to stay there he keeps coming "No coach you will go to the dug out right now!" he stops. I offer the umpire a chance to come talk to me.
"What’s the call?"
I do not know
It is either fair or foul
What do you think?
First, I was not supposed to look, I should not make that call from first base line. You had the angle it was your ball.
Yeah I know but I do not know what to call it.
Well in this case ... what is the count?
Two Two
OK if you call it foul everybody gets to go back and the batters count does not change.
I peeked at the drive and I can say that it was foul but do not plan on that rather help all the time be ready to make a call.
OK I will call it foul.
He calls it foul and not a soul complains not one chirp.
Later in the same, there is contact and although I did not see it as I watched my play, I know it was malicious. The world is screaming at the kid the pitcher is 8 feet from the plate and the runner is trotting back to the dug out. I call time the coach again wants to yell at me I hold him at bay and I talk to my partner.
The runner is out
No pitcher dropped the ball
No the runner is out for contact
You have to decide was the contact malicious.
No, it was not
Are you sure, because my back was turned on another potential play.
Yes, it was not malicious.
Turn around and call the runner out for contact he did not exercise one of his four options.
He turns, calls the runner, the coach comes out to me you cannot turn his call over.
No, I cannot
However, you just did
No, I did not
He changed his call
However, you told him to
no I did not we discussed the rule and clearly your player failed to slide, your player failed to stop, your player failed to go around, and he clearly failed to go back, so the only discussion we had was to eject him and you or just call him out.
Is he ejected?
Are you still in this game talking to me?
He turns and goes back to the dug out.
I explain the conditions to the other coach. He wants malicious contact I tell him I cannot give him that because I did not see the play.
Why not?
Because you might have wanted that out at second too.
We did not get one at second but you might have and I would have missed it if I were watching the play at home.
OK you are right.
Thanks coach.

Game 3 nine
Me on bases
Newbie [not my son] on plate (you have to do it at some point)
He gets a fucked up convoluted play at the plate and I would have made the same call as him but the coach wants to yell and intimidate the young man. He yells, "That is horrible that is terrible that is totally UN acceptable"
I call time and I make the coach walk all the way to me at first base. I tell him that his attitude is horrible that it is a terrible example and that it is unacceptable and if he is to lose his cool one more time, I do not care the reason and how much time is left on the clock I will send him to the parking lot and then my report will ensure that he is out for the rest of the tournament.
He says that I am right and that he is sorry
I tell him that he needs to apologize to the players not me.

Game 13
White vs. blue nine
98ºF 88%H
High shoulder pitch for the third ball in a row at the top of the first half (third pitch of the game) white moans and says something.
I turn and say We Will Not Go There Today. No, we will not. Am I clear?
Five heads nod yes
An out later runner steals third catcher throws and beats the runner but the fielder is too slow to swipe a proper tag my son calls the runner safe.
A coach screams BULLSHIT!
I did not hear it
My son did and he turned and in three steps crossed from third to first base line and says to the white team "there will be no profanity on the fields at any time". The five coaches all look like whip lash victims. Here is a 16-year-old telling 30-year-old gansta/MS13 looking men to stop swearing and he does so with all the authority of a grown man. I tell you I was never so proud at that moment.
Not a word fro the rest of the inning.
At the half-blue coach comes down to warm the pitcher. “I am going to call you the no nonsense umpires"
It is too hot to deal with anything other than just baseball.
He agrees.
My son arrives at the plate
I say to him "a warning for profanity?" man that coach owes you a steak dinner." he has no idea that he should be in his car right now.
My son says he did not know which coach said it.
I said if you had tossed the manger, he would have ponies the man up right quick
Yeah you are right
Wow, he is lucky I did not hear the profanity.
The white coach walks up, apologizes, and says that he has the situation under control.
My son says I hope so because it will not be tolerated around these young men.
You are right blue I am sorry
((You know what? My son fucking rocks!))(At 16 he gets it, he has the maturity to do the things it takes to be a man. I did not I was still trying to live and stay alive)

Game 16
Green vs. Blue 13s
me at the dish
3 minutes left of playtime losing team at the plate
Coach complains about a narrow escape at home.
I hear something from his side about picking sides
In addition, he has just said, "you have to call that pitch for both sides blue"
I stop the game.
"Coach, I know that there is 3 minutes left to play and I do not care if there is 30 seconds left to play if I hear one more remark that questions my integrity of my sportsmanship I will toss you to the parking lot and then call ball game.
Do not ever question my honesty I am not here to pick a winner I am here to make the decisions the two coaches cannot.
Yes blue I am sorry.

Game 18
Championship 12s
Yellow vs. white
This game was a tightly played well-pitched game that resembled two boxers in the ring trading punches. Honest to god the first two innings had no more than 13 pitches thrown.
No runner advanced past third base, we played for 3 hours something like 8 innings, and the game ended 7-0.
How you might asked.
White’s #12 was on the mound and the coach told me he was going to sub him in this half as he only had one out left in his allowable count for the tournament, but he was going to let him pitch while his number 2 boys was warming up.
Are you?
Yes.
Yellow coach says hey coach you now he has only one out right.
Yeah I am going to leave him in for it. Thanks for reminding me.
No problem.
I start the game. The pitcher clearly walks the first batter to burn sometime.
I look to white coach to see if he wants time.
I let the yellow batter in the box and he sees three balls and then the pitcher lets one drop into the zone just enough and the batter hits it to third. Third scoops and throws to second. OUT! In addition, the second turns and throws to first for a banger. OUT!
The play could have gone the other excessively. The white coach drops to his knees. The yellow coach is calmly walking up to me. The players and the parents have no clue what just happened except a double play was made and on a bang bang. The umpire on the field has no idea either because he is going back to his position.
Yellow coach goes to me and says the pitcher has pitched too many outs. Yes, I think you may be right, get the tourney director.
The white coach is now explaining to his side what just happened. My partner hears and he just smiles.
The tourney director confirms that the double was too many outs and the white has to forfeit the game.
I told my partner that this is the first time in history that a defensive coach is pissed that an umpire called a double play.

Like A Monkey With A Handgun
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

Also reading

With A Mouthful Of Razorblades
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

You can buy this image online.

i guess the only person (tutor) that i trust and believe is simon ( my current counselor) or even NO ONE.

darn fuck. i hated school. this is how much i hatred.

even mark, i also don't like. sickening bastard. =/

couldn't bother. explain, email also no use. WASTE MY FUCKING TIME CAN?

BITCH. darn it can?

sick of school so much.

i hatred school. that's it!

i jolly well skipped ALL the class i liked. WHY BOTHER?

as long got MC to cover myself, i can skip as many classes as i wanted. since i'm earning extra moolahss home, why scared of tiny winy WARNING LETTERS?

MC? chao keng lo. so easy.

anyway it's not my 1st semester being like this. NO MATTER that tutor is good to me or not, it doesn't matter isn't it?

just finished this school fast and quicker, i can't wait. darn. =/

I JUST DISLIKES SCHOOL SO MUCH NOW! CAN?

-Nicole

-----------------------------------------
If you wonder why I’m indifferent
to your attempts at kindness or love,
then I’ll be glad to give you a reason –

you disconnected.

You went off into your own little world,
leaving me to fend for myself in a house
where I was:

one more burden,
one more mouth to feed,
one more expense, and
one more worry.

I learned to live in the shadows,
and I still retreat there sometimes,
wrapping them like a cloak around me

so that no one will see me,
no one will notice me, and
no one will hurt me.

I can become invisible instantly now,
a fraction of myself reduced down
to just the common denominator of being human –

but I’m afraid that one day I will become so
invisible that I will never reappear in flesh
to rejoin this vibrant, mad world.

I leave
behind these leaves,
these poems,
these raven feathers
to make sure that just in
case I do disappear, that I have left
something worthwhile behind,
something to let the world know that I was here.

Do you think that I can just forget how
I was asked to disappear, how I was broken
apart, melted, and then poured into
the mold of a perfect young girl with:
gleaming white teeth that always lined a smile,
rivers of straight-A only report cards,
and a blank clean slate of innocence
with never a dirty thought or deed?

And then you – you try to pour me
into the mold
of a woman without tragedy, trauma, or drama.

You can’t handle my darkness.
You can’t handle the reminder
of how I am now forever scarred.
You should be thankful that
I wear these scars in my heart and that
I didn’t decide to carve them into my
caramel skin in the language of desperation and pain –
screams of wordless bloody slashes that
the whole world could see.

I scream in poetry, and
I scream in art,
because I was once forbidden
to scream.

You will never understand my screams;

so f*** off
and go find the
fragrant, flower, fairy fantasies
you desire without me.

Written 7/2/08
© 2008 Nicole Nicholson. All Rights Reserved.

Stumble It!

Sẵn tiện đang bực mình kể tiếp chuyện điện lực. Hôm Chủ Nhật vừa rồi mình lại là nạn nhân của tệ cúp điện :(( Cúp từ 8h sáng, vào thời điểm đang ngon giấc, và cứ thế nó kéo dài đến 7h tối. Hôm đó mình long nhong ngoài đường từ 9h => 16h chiều để tránh nóng. Cứ mỗi lần cúp điện là bực mình, mà nghe mấy câu "hồi đó đâu có điện cũng có chết ai" là muốn cãi liền. Hồi đó là hồi đó, hồi đó với bây jờ nó khác xa nhau 1 trời 1 vực mà cứ đem ra so sánh. Hồi đó ko có xe, người ta đi bộ từ Bắc vô Nam, bây jờ có xe, có thằng điên nào đi bộ từ Bắc vào Nam nữa ko.

Cuối cùng là việc hãng điện lực thông báo công suất sử dụng điện năm nay cao hơn năm trước 10% và cho đó là điều ko tốt. Nói mà nực cười, một đất nước đang trong đà tăng trưởng, việc sử dụng điện năng tăng thêm chứng tỏ nó đang cần nhiều năng lượng để phát triển hơn nữa, mà lại đi cấm nó. Bắt buộc giảm lượng điện cung cấp cho các bảng quảng cáo và đèn đường buổi tối xuống, hình như điện mình xài được phát free hay sao ấy mà cứ muốn cúp, cắt, giảm lúc nào thì tùy thích. Còn đến khi thu tiền... ôi thôi tính từng giờ chứ đừng nói từng ngày.

Bao nhiêu stress mấy ngày nay tích tụ, bây jờ xả ra 1 lần luôn :D Quên mất, sắp tới ngày 7/7 nữa rồi, năm nào mình cũng nhắn tin, mà hên xui mới nhận lại được tin trả lời, nhưng mình vẫn không quên được ngày này. Happy birthday to you :D