Ultrasound #3 is tomorrow.  And of course the nervousness starts to set in again.  Worried that I’ll find out something has gone wrong.  Even though I stopped spotting almost 2 weeks ago, I only just took the emergency pads out of my purse just this morning (I’m still toting around a couple of pantyliners - just in case).  I can’t seem to relax into just being pregnant and healthy with nothing going wrong.  I’ve never experienced this before.  A pregnancy going well that is.  It seems to be.  But I’m still a little wary.  Tomorrow’s ultrasound will make me feel better.

I feel bad for my husband.  He hasn’t been able to come to any ultrasounds with me because the clinic only schedules them between 11am and 2:30 pm, and I have the car, and hubby works across town and can’t get off work.  My baby sister who is an RN came with me to the first one, It’s educational for her.  My mom got upset when she found out because she wanted to come to one, but I got to tell ya, I’m not comfortable with my mommy coming to the fertility clinic with me.  It’s just weird.  And anyways I would rather my husband get to see one before her.  Is that mean of me?  I don’t think so.  In any case, I think we may have to wait until I’m released to the OB before I’ll be able to have one scheduled at a good time for him.

Hubby asked last night if I knew when we would have to go to Lamaze classes.  I told him I have no clue.  He was surprised.  I’m known for over planning everything way in advance, he was shocked that had no clue about this.  I told him I can’t think much past reaching each weekly milestone, much less what I need to be doing 4 or 5 months from now.  I have to admit that I’ve allowed myself the luxury of going into the baby sections when I’m out grocery shopping.  Sooo many things to buy and not enough money to do it.  Sooooo many cute little winter outfits that I can’t buy because this is a summer baby.  I have to start looking around for the summer leftovers that are on sale this time of year.  And we have to get a car seat and a crib and a stroller and clothes and diapers and, well, just about everything baby.  Exciting, but scary at the same time.

Sooo.  I have a job interview today.  Over the phone.  Now.  Let me just say that usually, over the phone interviews are reserved for when I do travel nurse assignments, not “I live in your city, approximately 5 miles away” interviews.  Hmmmm.  It’s a small hospital.  Or at least, it’s a smallish unit.  I really don’t like smallish units. You work harder. But I am thinking of the ease of getting there, the BENEFITS.  MY BABY DUB NEEDS BENEFITS.  OK OK OK.  You get the point.

So at least I don’t have to fix my face to that “I am so interested in this job” look for 30 whole minutes.  Instead, just my voice.  That’s easy.  Almost too easy.  I will have to take my cough medicine before hand though.  Can’t cough my way through an interview. Not Professional at all.

Nothing new on baby dub front.  I noticed a little rounding in my lower stomach yesterday. Hmmmmmmm.  My uterus is growing!  The morning sickness still likes to sneak up on me at unpredictable times.  Like when I ‘m a Chili’s eating a steak fajita(hmmmm, sour cream, pico  de gallo,onions, green peppers……..) and I get halfway through it and have to put it down for 5 minutes until I am sure that that mouthful will stay down. Sign.  It’s such a hard life.

You know, last night, I finally had to break it down to C-Dub. 

He had been making snide little comments about the amount of time I have been sleeping.  I finally had to break it down to him that I am dead tired! Sure, I didn’t work at all this week, but hey, I am making a new human being here!  Everything I say, “It’s all in your head.”  Finally I showed him my many many books on the subject of my pregnancy and he finally seems to be getting that it is not “all in my head.” And it might have helped that  he finally saw me in action when breakfast made a reappearance. 

But anyway, I am working today.  Thankfully.  We are trying to make sure that we have lots of money in reserve, just in case.  I am worried, but trying not to show it.  C-Dub seems to be almost relaxed about the whole situation.  We had a long discussion about the what if’s.  It’s no secret that I make more.  In fact, my earning potential is almost limitless.  As a nurse, there is always a job.  Somewhere, somehow. 

We were talking about what to downsize just in case, and what we would do when the baby was born.  My wonderful husband would actually consider being a stay at home Dad!  I mean, I never even considered it!  But I really really like the idea of him staying home!  Think of the money saved for childcare!  Besides, he wouldn’t do nothing.  He is looking into starting his own business.  He keeps saying that this lay off might have been the best thing because it is pushing him to do something that he really wants to do:start is own business/work for himself.

Hmmmm.  I we will see.  I am the worrier, it’s what I do.  So I’ll let him dream and scheme.

Ladies and gentleman, we are now a fetus! And Baby Dub is the size of an olive……….how I miss my martinis……………..

A few things I wanted to catch up on:

• So far there are only 2 things I hate about being pregnant, 1) my mother calling me “preggo” like it’s supposed to be some kind of compliment, but really it sounds (to me anyways) like a not so fun jab at my condition, and it just makes me feel like she doesn’t see me anymore, just the grandchild I’m carrying.  I’m no longer the daughter, I’m now just the incubator.   And she doesn’t call me “preggo” to my face, just behind my back to everyone she speaks to (family and probably strangers too) and 2) my mother-in-law, upon seeing the ultrasound of what will be her first grandchild, immediately states that “wow doesn’t that look just like the ultrasounds we got for our dog (she breeds show dogs) last year, let me get them out and let us compare them shall we?”  I’m paraphrasing here but that’s basically how it went down.  My mother-in-law compared her grandchild to a litter of puppies.  Cute, but somehow inappropriate at the dinner table which is where we were sitting at the time, with my hubby’s grandparents as well (his grandmother looked particularly shocked and appalled at her daughter’s behaviour, but she hid it well cause she is such a nice lady).  What’s wrong with our mothers?  Will I be this much of an idiot when my grand kids are about to make an appearance?  The future’s not looking too good on this one.
• more pregnancy symptoms I forgot to list the last time.
  • My heart beats really fast now.  All the time.  Like I’ll be sitting quietly reading or watching tv and I’ll notice my heart is almost racing when it shouldn’t be.  And for the most part, I can feel my pulse throughout my body as a regular feeling now.  It’s weird, but cool.
  • Hunger vs. lack of appatite.  I have both.  For the most part, I’m often hungry, but the problem is, for the most part, I have no desire to eat much of anything.  I just don’t feel like it.  So I sit around for most of the day just thinking about what I feel like eating so that I have a head start on the situation before I actually have to go get something to eat.
  • I really have a craving for lunch meat sandwiches, but because of the threat of listeriosis(wow, I can’t believe it actually got it’s own wikipedia page) - a very real threat in my city as we had a bad outbreak of infection just a few weeks ago -  I haven’t yet given in to this urge.  But I do feel myself weakening.
  • Superhuman sense of smell - i has it.  Not that smelling things makes me nauseous, but smelling the strawberry bubble gum of the girl waking 15 feet in front of me (even though it smells yummy) just isn’t cool.  Wondering if your husband is trying to kill you with his coffee breath isn’t cool.  And knowing exactly what each individual person in your office is having for lunch as you are walking down the office hallway, just is not cool.
• I was very happy to see the heart beating yesterday.  This ultrasound tech was 10x better than the one I had last week.  I practically had so shed a few fake tears the last time to convince her to a) let me see the screen and b) give me a picture to take home.  The tech yesterday was totally awesome!  She walked me through what she was doing and what she was seeing, reassuring me that everything looked great.  She zoomed in on the image so that I could see it better, and even pointed out what was what on the screen.  She was amazing.  I hope I get her again.  I go back for a 3rd ultrasound next week.
• 37dpo, is the day that my first pregnancy began to fail.  I started spotting while I was on my honeymoon (another story for another day).  Yesterday I was 37dpo, and I saw my baby’s heart beat for the second time.  A major milestone if there ever was one.  Every day from here on out is a miracle.

Well.  There’s good news and bad news.

Good News:

Tina Tuner was awesome!!!!! That woman is my SHERO!!!! I want to be just like her when I am 68.  I want to be able to move just like that.  Hell, I want that much energy now!

My second appointment was today, classified as the “official” initial OB workup.  A lot of questions, a pap smear(yuck!) lots of blood work, I gave some pee.  But NO ULTRASOUND!!!  It was a big disappointment.  It’s all about insurance and what they would pay for.  But, she tried to hear the HR with a Doppler.  We heard it very briefly at 160.  She(my midwife) was happy.  Hmmmmmmm.   She said my uterus is measuring right on target(I guess that ’s something).  But that was kind of a let down. I am trying to be positive.  I heard a heartbeat.  My Baby Dub raspberry is there!

Now, the BAD.

C-Dub is being laid off!!!! They are giving him plenty of notice.  His last day is 12/31.  So he has 7 weeks to find another job.  And I have 7 weeks to find insurance!  This means that I have to go back to work full time!!! I really really didn’t want to , but I guess I have no choice now.  I am trying to look at the bright side of this.   We have over 6 weeks to get it together.  Surely we can get it together by then?

  measures 6w6d

 136 bpm

So, my time here is almost up.  I have returned the rental car, made my shuttle reservations to the airport.  Now, if only I could finish packing.  I have way too much shit. 

I can’t explain it, but I am feeling beyond nervous about my appointment next Tuesday.  As you know, I didn’t see the heartbeat the last time.  By dates, I was 6 weeks, by measurement I was 5 weeks and 3 days.  Hmmmm.  It coincides because I could have only gotten pregnant in that 7 day period we went on the cruise.  But anyway, I keep hearing of people who have seen the heartbeat at 6 weeks!  We saw the sac! But I wanted to see the bean and a HR.  I am scared out of my mind.  I am trying not to let it get to me, but every once and a while.  I really just need to stay off of those message boards. 

But I did take yet another pregnancy test.  Positive of course.  That helped. 

I am just ready to go home.

Def: The breakfast you have an hour after you’ve had first breakfast and 2 hours before you break for lunch.

I’m hungry.

I just needed a visual.

Fatigue – check

I’m pretty good during the morning and most afternoons, but most days I’m exhausted by 7pm and ready for bed.  I try to get to bed by 9pm every day, but there are days like today when I wish I could take a nap in my office.

Bladder in overdrive – check

Actually it’s not that bad really.  I can pretty much go an hour or 2 between pee breaks.  Last time around I was peeing up to 3 times an hour, don’t think I’m looking forward to that this time.

Morning sickness – nope

Thank goodness.  While I’m happy for any pregnancy symptom, this one is not sexy at all.  I have vague bouts of nausea once in a while. I’ll be eating something and all of a sudden my stomach will be like “no, I think we’re done with that”.  But that’s about it.

Bloating – check and check!

I’ll be honest with you I’m pretty gassy normally, but these days, it’s almost out of control.  And the progesterone suppositories make it even worse.  I’ll be on them until I’m about 10 weeks, but I may ask to stay on them a week or two longer.

Sore boobs – oh man, check.

I’m a stomach sleeper and they’re now too sore to sleep on.  If I wake up in the middle of the night on my front I immediately regret it when I roll over to my side.  Taking off my bra at the end of the day is a whole other experience.  In the bra the ladies are fine.  But when I take it off at the end of the day, they feel like they’ve swollen to 3x their normal size.  Which is not good because they’re big enough to begin with thank you very much.

That just about covers it.

I have to go pee now.

Here’s what’s going on with me now:

• I go back for a second u/s next week Tuesday so that my Dr. can follow up on me because of the spotting.  At first she wanted to see me in 2 weeks, but when I told her that the spotting hadn’t completely stopped she told me to come in next week instead.  The spotting seems to have stopped again (for the most part) and they didn’t see any reason for it on yesterday’s ultrasound.  Some ‘free fluid’ in there but nothing that concerned them.  Still, I’ve been instructed to take it really easy from now on.  No heavy lifting, no excessive moving around including long walks.  Basically pelvic rest until things are more stable.  I’ll probably have a third ultrasound with my clinic for a final follow-up.  My Dr. is already talking about turning me over to an OB!  I feel like I’m on the verge of graduating after months and months of flunking out!  This is awesome!
• My Dr (Dr#1 with the great shoes) has predicted that I’m having a boy.  Declared it in fact.  Says she has a pretty good record predicting these things.  I didn’t have the heart to tell her that we breed girls in my family at a rate of about 4 to 1, but still, it will be interesting if she’s right.

Hope - I has it.

• After seeing the  beat yesterday I’m finally beginning to feel hopeful instead of scared all the time.  Don’t get me wrong, I know there’s still a huge uphill battle, but at least I know that there is something alive in there.  And that’s the best news I could have ever hoped for.    A little baby growing and changing inside me.  With me all the time.  This kid is the reason why I smile every day.  My husband too.  He’s the best husband ever.  My rock.

So, here I am, 8 weeks and counting!!! I am excited.  My little chickpea is growing!  Next Tuesday, I go back for my “official” ultrasound and official first appointment.  The one where they draw all the blood and take all of the history.  I am more excited about the ultrasound.  I really really really really want to see a heartbeat.  Really really really!!!

So I go home day after tomorrow! YEAH!!! I cannot wait to sleep in my own damn bed next to my husband!!!!!!!!

And My wonderful wonderful sister in law is taking me to see Tina Turner Monday night. 

I have a confession……I snuck into Babies R Us on Tuesday.  It was……..enlightening.  Let’s just say I had no idea.  No clue.  THERE IS SO MUCH STUFF!!!!!! HOW DO YOU CHOOSE?  What do you really need? OMG!  I walked around in a daze for about 2 hours.  Finally, I got a book called The Baby Gizmo Buying guide.  I hope that helps a little.  Hmmmmm.  I am still slightly dazed from that trip

Our

4.7mm crl

Measuring 6w2d

Heartbeat 115 bpm

Official EDD June 30, 2009

Today’s beta = 10,332

+76.48%

 Still spotting - I suspect it is a placenta issue - or just my defective body messin with me.

 Tomorrow - my first ultrasound - 1:30pm, then a meeting with Dr#1

Nervous?  You bet!

Every day I’m still pregnant is a major milestone.

One more beta to go, then the moment of truth, the Ultrasound.

My second blood draw was this morning.  It was just a tech who drew the blood, so I couldn’t really ask questions.  He said I should have results by this afternoon.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

Spotting sucks.  It makes you question everything.  “Am I really pregnant?”  “Did something happen?”  “Is this normal?”

I’d been having some brown and pink spotting, and really didn’t think anything of it.  Every site says that some spotting is normal, and not to panic unless it’s red, or it’s tissue.  I had a tiny spot of red tissue yesterday just before I left work.  Seeing that on the toilet paper was like a punch in the gut.  Then I questioned whether or not I should go to the doctor.  I ended up waiting until Saturday, when I had some more pinkish spotting.

Bad news: I’m “oozing” as the doctor called it.  Good news: My cervix is closed.  Apparently there is some sort of irritation on the outside of my cervix causing the oozing.  They took my blood and told me to come in again on Monday.  I haven’t had any more spotting today, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

I hope I’m still pregnant.  Otherwise I’m going to feel awful silly for craving and eating a half jar of baby dill pickles.

My beta is up to 5855.  It’s up 79.66% which isn’t great but still good.

My progesterone is up to 51.9 which is fantastic, but hasn’t apparently, hasn’t stopped me from spotting completely.  Oh well.

One more beta to go on Tuesday, then if that beta continues to go up, they’ll schedule me for an ultrasound and I’ll be done with the betas.

I am soooo sick.  I think I have the flu.  I’ve been out of it since friday.  Hope Baby Dub feels better than me and is ok in there.

I feel like crap.  What I thought was a sinus infection, has turned into a full fledged cold, I am tired, sleepy, achy and on my 4th 12 hour night shift in a row.  I just want to get back in the bed and pull the covers over my head.  I am so tired.

Beta is 3259.

That’s up 92.1%  That’s good news!  That’s Great News!

The clinic nurse told me that I’d probably only have to do 2 more betas (Sunday and Tuesday) and then they will schedule me for my first ultrasound!  Me - I’m just livin 48 hours at a time, so let’s just get me to Sunday with no major incidences.  The spotting has basically slowed right down which is great news, just a little brown spotting on the tp when I wipe.  Hopefully this is due to a fantastically growing baby and the extra progesterone I’m taking each day.

I’m pregnant today.

Today I’m happy!

So here I am, smack dab in the middle of another 48 hour wait between Betas.  I’m still spotting, but I’ve noticed a pattern.  It’s rather heavy and dark red in the morning when I first wake up (likely due to blood pooling overnight), then it tapers off throughout the day and ends up as scant and light brown.  I’m not sure what this means, but it is different than my first miscarriage.  Then, the spotting would start heavy on day 1, then taper off by the fourth day.  I’d have one day where there was no spotting, then it would start up again in another 5 day cycle.  This cycle happened 3 times over 15 days before I was diagnosed with a miscarriage, and given medication to end the pregnancy.  I know that every pregnancy is different, and I’m hoping that the difference in my spotting pattern this time around means that my outcome will be better.

I have 3 sisters.  I told my two younger sisters about this pregnancy last week, I told my older sister last night.  She was so happy for me that she actually squealed into the phone, and if you knew her, you’d know that she doesn’t squeal.  And while she’s extremely happy for me, she did tell me that she recently suffered a miscarriage.  Last week in fact.  At 10 Weeks.  I’m devastated for her.  She already has 3 beautiful daughters, and she’s with a new man now who (apparently) is much better for her.  I’m the only one who knows aside from the father.  She is devastated.  And I’m sad because it would have been amazing to be pregnant with her at the same time.  This loss came as a complete surprise to her.  She had no previous symptoms that would have indicated things weren’t going well.  Since she’s considered low risk, having had 3 successful pregnancies and (I think) only one other loss, she wasn’t being monitored as closely as I have been.  It goes to show you that no matter what you are experiencing, spotting or not, miscarriage can happen to anyone.  We’re not as close as we used to be when we were younger, but I think that having our babies 1 month apart would have been the best thing ever.  Instead, if I make it to the end of this pregnancy, it will always remind the both of us of the one she lost.  It’s all very sad, but I guess that’s how life goes.

Oh yeah, now I have Carpel Tunnel!!!  I didn’t know that was a pregnancy induced thing!!!  My left hand and wrist has been killing me for about a week now, and I finally broke down and asked a doc at work about it and he was instantly like, “carpel tunnel.”  Then, doing a Tag surf this morning, I found this post about Carpel Tunnel Syndrome in Pregnancy.  Amazing!

So……Morning sickness has hit.  I think.  It started yesterday, after breakfast.  I felt like it was going to come up not 10 minutes after I had finished my Kashi go lean Crunch cereal with bananas.  It lasted 30 minutes, but I managed to keep the food down.  Lots of deep breathing.  So I thought, hey, just a one time thing.  Also, my throat started hurting, allergies really bad.  So I reasoned it could be the post nasal drip.  But noooooooooo.  When I woke up and ate dinner, I had to literally force each spoonful down. My stomach was like, aw hell no!  But after an hour, that food got down.  So this lasted on and off all night at work.  I just really had to take my time with my meals.  Hell, I feel nauseated right now…..

But on the other hand, am I a sick sick girl for being happy to feel like shit?  It’s a REAL pregnancy symptom!!!!!!!!

Sad.  So sad.

Also, I want to give a shot out to Brown Eyed Girl for those Beta results!!!!!! WOOOOO WHOOOO!!!!!! Today You Are Pregnant!!!!!! YOU GO GIRL!!!